AIBU to say no when my nearly 6-year-old wants ballet flats?

[HannahW2768]

Hello dont know if chose correct topic but am I wrong/unreasonable for this?
My son who is almost 6 years old was with me when I went into clarks to buy myself some work shoes the other day and he really really liked the pair of ballet flats I got and said he wants a pair like them for himself
I told him no as these are for girls and people may not like him wearing them but was that wrong to do and should I have said yes and got him similar pair in his size?

For fucks sake they're shoes.

Its got nothing to do with 'exploring his gender'🙄 he probably doesn't know what gender is!

(Leaving aside the issue of them being bad for feet), this is why I would not let a boy wear obviously girly things - some people will make stupid comments about his gender which would be confusing for a 6 year old.

Let kids be kids without giving them silly ideas.

I can understand where you're coming from. it's how those fetishists get away with womanface and gimp gear in public. but i'm glad we don't need to wear suits/proper dresses everyday like they used to in the 60's. and kids wearing normal clothes in public/a bday party is not exactly the same as an adult wearing indecent clothes a formal setting. a kilt can look very good on a man at a wedding, but a man in a sexy maid dress is very wrong.

YABU to not come back to your thread

Is there anything wrong with it? No
Is it a good look for a boy,or a man unless they are genuinely trans or a drag queen? NO

This is my opinion. Thankfully there is a movement towards change in this respect. Allow boys to be boys and girls to be girls & embrace their differences, including the way they dress.

Why discourage it? Why not let them wear it? Most boys have a phase for dressing in princess dresses etc. They grow out of it. I wouldn't make a fuss about it.

Yes, if my 6 year old son wanted to wear a tutu I would let him. I’m sorry you think that would make him less somehow, but that’s a you issue.

Yeah. This. Prepubescent children's bodies are virtually identical bar the genitals? Kids feet are just feet. I remember Clarks had a girly shoe and a 'boys' style of trainer with space things on it. And I had both.

Perhaps so & nothing wrong with that but would you be happy for a boy to attend school in a princess dress on non uniform days.Ridiculous.

I would try to ask him where the interest came from. He might just like the look really, or he might like that it’s ballet related, which then is worth exploring.

It's be a no from me on wearing them from a foot health POV. However from a social POV it's just bits of material you're covering your body with. If you can't be free to express yourself and experiment with gender and social conformity when you're 6 then when the heck can you?! Childhood and adolescence is exactly the age when children should be learning about and finding their place within social norms. If he goes to school and is teased then he will have to make a decision as to whether his fashion preferences are worth being teased about. If they aren't he'll conform, if it's important to him then some of the most interesting pop artists as just one example are none-conforming with lots of things including gender stereotypes (David Bowie, Annie Lennox, Pink... you get my point) I think it's perfectly reasonable to warn him that most people see certain items as 'for girls' and warn him that he may get teased but if he thinks they'll make him feel good then you will support him to wear them. I think a blanket 'absolutely not they're for girls' is more likely to have the opposite effect as what you intend and blur the lines even more between gender stereotypes and clinical gender/sexuality.

@Labelledelune He’s never asked other than for costumes - so no, I haven’t. He’s 5yo and able to read so is very aware of the girls/boys division that usually signed in shops. He will often ask for T-shirts or trousers from the girls section because he likes the colours better or the design on the graphic t-shirts etc. He did ask for a nightie once for bed which I bought for him as we were shopping for pyjamas anyway. He wore it once and decided he didn’t like it as it kept riding up in bed and he didn’t like that it didn’t have “bottoms”. He asked to give it to his friend (female) who he knows likes wearing dresses and decided it wasn’t something he liked wearing himself 🤷🏻‍♀️

What doesn’t need to be encouraged?

I would say that children don’t need to be pushed into gender stereotypes at a young age or indeed any age.

Societal norms still exist as much as you may not want them to. I’d never let my son wear girl’s clothing as culturally, he’d be bullied which is a worse outcome for him than being told no with the explanation.

Also, kids are fickle and will switch to something else if guided carefully.

I would say no regardless of sex . Poor support and protection.

I would have just said no, because they’re rubbish shoes for any little feet and also if you don’t need to buy something, it’s perfectly acceptable to say no. In fact I think it’s essential that kids don’t get every little thing they want.

Surely he just saw some shoes that were pretty or eye catching, boys love that as much as girls, and wanted them in the same way he might want a toy or sweets. He’s 5, it means nothing beyond a child wanting something.
You don’t need to go into gender woo at all. A simple no, we’re not buying them is fine.
DS12 loved putting on my heels playing dress up when he was small. His size 11 flippers don’t get the chance now, to be fair he’s not asked since he was about 5. He is not at all confused as to his maleness.

I agree with others that may be he simply like the look of the shoe and the ease of pulling it on or off - would something like the flat elasticated front plimsolls we all seemed to have worn, regardless of sex, in the 1980s at primary school appeal?

As a grown woman I frequently wear men's shoes. No one ever comments.

You have done the right thing.
It's just common sense that there is a boys' range and a girls' range and also a unisex range - like riding boots and runners..

However take him into the fashion shoe section for boys and let him try on some casual shoes that he likes

I'd have said no, but I'd also have said no to a DD. I'd probably have stuck with "we're not buying shoes for you today", or maybe pointed out the limited times they would use them (not suitable for playing or school, only really an option with a dress at a party)

My daughters friend had a princess party, her whole nursery class was there, 2 of the boys wore princess costumes. My son at pre school age loved dressing up. He still has the massive box of costumes, he had paw patrol, spidey characters, a fairy costume in rainbow colours with tutu and a red dress from the girl in sing who sings taylor swift songs, he also had a leather jacket of another character. He wore what he wanted. He's 8 now, he entirely wears standard 'boy' clothes these days maybe 99% of the time, he occasionally asks for 'gitlier' accessories like a care bear lunch bag, sparkly pens, gabby dollhouse water bottle and that's all fine. He had some sparkly rainbow shoes for a while from the girl range, he was a big fan of rainbows for ages so wore rainbow themed things a lot. I'd no more say no to him than I would to my daughter wanting to attend a super hero party as spidey

I saw something on socials where they called them the 'practical section' and the 'colourful section', which I thought was a nice spin! I often shop in the mens bit if I want a longer t shirt or more robust fabrics!

Yeah I agree. Ballet pumps are ok for an occasion, my wee girl had some sparkly ones for a wedding and wears to princess parties but that's it. Otherwise it's trainers or proper shoes

If I'm hit with an unexpected question from my little ones I just say something like "oh good question, let's make a note and think about it"
Then it avoids any knee jerk responses I may regret and let's us potentially discuss later (once I've played through the scenarios in my head)
For cheap things/tat from The Works my response is usually "sure have you got enough money though?"