AIBU to expect DH to do screen-free mornings with toddler?

[Waheymum]

I'm 8-9 months pregnant. This morning our toddler woke up at five and I went to her. I tried to settle her, then read her stories and sang songs before getting her up to have breakfast and play with her toys and do sticker books. DH (who worked late last night and is working over the weekend) only got up because I'm on a medication that means I have to fast before and after taking it so my energy runs low really quickly if I'm up playing with our toddler (I explained everything we'd done thus far so he could follow my lead), and he put Sesame Street on so he could swap with me but also not have to interact or do anything with DD (so basically got on with his morning routine).

AIBU to think that A) he should be continuing my (screen-free) morning routine, B) he could fit his caffeine, toileting, and shower routine into the hour plus I'm looking after our child so he isn't just leaving her in the care of a screen when he 'takes over', and C) he has absolutely no idea how tiring growing another human is (tips for how to explain this to him would be helpful; I've tried showing him articles and he queries whether anyone has scientific evidence for my claim).

Someone else must have been in my position. Please give me tips for how to change this, I don't know how I'm going to manage to continue fun, educational activities from 5am with DD1 when I have a (breastfed) newborn who will need me.

My parents have taken my DD to their house so I can rest!

Why do you think you should be able to dictate how he spends his time, I assume you wouldn't like him to do the same to you? Kids don't need constant entertaining

Why couldn't you rest while you're DH was downstairs with your child? I'm confused

Screen time ALL the time is bad parenting, screen time when one of you is heavily pregnant and the other is trying to hold down a job around limited sleep is when it should be embraced.

Children do not need educational activities at 5am.
I think you are just making yourself stressed.

He worked late last night, is working this weekend and you’re heavily pregnant and both up at 5am?! Screen time is your friend!

You can’t dictate how he parents, honestly it sounds like screen time is absolutely okay in that situation - it’s lovely you were doing sticker books etc but he doesn’t need to do exactly as directed.

Literally nothing wrong with screen time, especially in circumstances such as yours

I'm generally in favour of no screens, but if you have toddler who wakes at 5am and you've been working late the night before you do whatever it takes to get through the day!

I wouldn’t be bothered about screen time. I would be VERY bothered by this:

C) he has absolutely no idea how tiring growing another human is (tips for how to explain this to him would be helpful; I've tried showing him articles and he queries whether anyone has scientific evidence for my claim).

This man is disputing that being 9 months pregnant is exhausting?

I think you need to unclench a bit, and leave him to parent his way. You’ll soon be dealing with two kids and a bit of screen time will be necessary now and again! The much bigger issue is his attitude to your pregnancy, frankly.

I would not be playing and doing sticker books at 5am. Thank god for TV and screens. You need to chill out a bit. My dc are 14 and 22 now and are perfectly intelligent, nice functioning members of society and when Ds went through a stage of getting up at 4.30 every day screen time saved my sanity.

he is really lazy

Sounds like my horrible ex who shouted at me and laughed at me and told I wasn’t living in a refugee camp when I told him I was at breaking point 8 months pregnant

the what to expect when you’re expecting book has little grey paragraphs for dads to read quickly throughout the book but if he doesn’t care about your wellbeing he won’t read them just like my ex didn’t

This is a case of pick your battles. It’s fine for your toddler to watch Sesame Street, you will need some flexibility and don’t try to hard to be perfect parents- it’s impossible and leads to stress and resentment.
However, it does sound like your dh is not as supportive or understanding as he could/should be. Disbelieving that it’s tiring to be pregnant is a bit of an alarm bell. I would be concerned about the communication and not hearing each other, especially as it will be harder when dc2 arrives.
If you complain about him letting dc watch telly, when he thinks that’s fine your having a ‘battle’ about something inconsequential bit this leads to defensiveNess or dismissivness about the more important things.
It would be good if he was more supportive but if he feels that your criticising his parenting choices then that often leads to the man pulling back and doing less to avoid being told off.
Have conversations about parenting plans, ideals, etc as specific constructive chats, not in the moment when emotions can run high and people feel defensive or annoyed.
You want him to do thinks differently, but you can only adjust or change the things you do. But there is a lot of agency in this, approaching things differently will invite a different response from him. If he continues with things like not believing that it’s tiring to grow a baby 🤯, not listening to you, it might be helpful to have some couples therapy. Or read a couples self help book as therapy isn’t feasible with a new baby on the way.

As a mum of two, there is no way you'll be doing educational activities with a toddler at 5am when you've been up all night with a newborn. Why are you making it hard for yourself? Put Sesame Street on and have a snooze.

At 5 am I would either go into toddlers room to sleep, or expect DH to do so.

A mattress on the floor, telling toddler very firmly it is still night time, keep them in the room until 7am while you lie there with your eyes shut.
If they really won't stay in bed, they can play with toys or books (make sure no noisy toys are kept in the room), but you still lie there with your eyes shut.
I assume their room is totally childproof and they can't open the door (fit a small slide bolt way up high if necessary).

Teach him to recognise the number 7 on the clock. Bedtime lasts until 7.
You need to train them not to get up so early.

You sound very rigid and uptight. Your kid is absolutely fine to watch Sesame Street for a bit. It’s not going to have a detrimental effect on her development and, with the best will in the world, even a toddler doesn’t necessarily want to be singing songs and playing games and doing activities during every waking hour. A bit of down time with a pleasant (and educational!) TV programme is probably really nice for her.

Also, when you said you explained to your husband what you’d been doing so he could ‘follow your lead’ I really cringed. He’s the child’s other parent, not your apprentice. He doesn’t need training.

Why are you making things so much harder for yourself?! And trying to dictate what your husband does with his child?

You're pregnant and tired. He's working and tired.

Its ok now to have a bit of downtime every now and then, especially early morning

I have 2 with 18 months between them.

Early morning was not "fun and educational activities" it was snuggled on the settee with Disney channel on tv whilst I breastfed a newborn. The rest of the day was fun activities for the toddler...lots of toddler group, messy play, singing library time and fresh air with baby in a sling but tv also had its purpose at times.

I think my issue would be the fact a grown man doesn’t believe being heavily pregnant could be exhausting. He sounds like a moron

I think you are somewhat unrealistic and verging on insane. One, why are you allowing a child up at 5am? Two, why do they then need educational activities at this time and Three, why is your husband not allowed to parent his own child? Is this stressful weekend regime going to continue when the little one arrives?

5am?! Am I heck doing fun educational activities with either of my kids at 5am. If they are up and really won’t go back to sleep then you bet I’m sticking on the TV and snoozing on the sofa. I’d relax about it or you will be utterly burned and exhausted with a newborn trying to do educational activities at 5am. 7am is when ‘proper parenting’ starts here. Anything before that is whatever goes to get through!

There are screens and screens. Phones and iPads are totally unnecessary and harmful but Sesame Street is fine.

Why are you doing “educational activities” at 5am? Jeez if ever there was a need for quiet tv watching it’s at that godforsaken time.

I was more like your DH. Children don’t need constant parental entertainment. They need to know that they’re safe and loved, but parents need to crack on with stuff too.

YABU

In a similar position with DD3, DS6 months is breastfed and we co sleep so DH gets up with 3 year old every morning. He does give her the tablet for a while. Im not thrilled about it but I can’t exactly dictate his parenting when I’m not there, accept that it’s not actually a massive deal in the grand scheme of things and that toddlers don’t need constant entertaining from the second they wake up.

also, when you have your second you will need to unclench a bit. I’ve learned this recently. I do see where you’re coming from but you need to pick your battles.

Fuck me, singing songs at 5am. More fool you. Put your child back to sleep and go back to bed. Sheesh

He's letting her watch Sesame Street not Coronation Street.

Activities at 5am is giving the wrong message . It is not daytime or playtime yet . It is sleep time or quiet time .
Lastly you are not the boss of him.

Don't feel too bad like everyone is slagging you off . It is a confusing time and a physically difficult time . Team up with your DH instead of pulling against . You will need to rely on other people that might not do everything the way you think it should be done . It might not be your way but not necessarily the wrong way .
💐