AIBU to expect DH to do screen-free mornings with toddler?

[Waheymum]

I'm 8-9 months pregnant. This morning our toddler woke up at five and I went to her. I tried to settle her, then read her stories and sang songs before getting her up to have breakfast and play with her toys and do sticker books. DH (who worked late last night and is working over the weekend) only got up because I'm on a medication that means I have to fast before and after taking it so my energy runs low really quickly if I'm up playing with our toddler (I explained everything we'd done thus far so he could follow my lead), and he put Sesame Street on so he could swap with me but also not have to interact or do anything with DD (so basically got on with his morning routine).

AIBU to think that A) he should be continuing my (screen-free) morning routine, B) he could fit his caffeine, toileting, and shower routine into the hour plus I'm looking after our child so he isn't just leaving her in the care of a screen when he 'takes over', and C) he has absolutely no idea how tiring growing another human is (tips for how to explain this to him would be helpful; I've tried showing him articles and he queries whether anyone has scientific evidence for my claim).

Someone else must have been in my position. Please give me tips for how to change this, I don't know how I'm going to manage to continue fun, educational activities from 5am with DD1 when I have a (breastfed) newborn who will need me.

OP you need to massively adjust your expectations.
When does your toddler nap etc first id try and change the 5am wake up. Playing toys and singing songs will only reinforce the early wake up.
Screens are not all the same, he's not shoving an ipad under her nose and leaving her for hours.

He is "querying" how tired you are at 8 months pregnant? Is he a fucking moron or just a selfish prick? Ask him that. Ask him is he thick or just a cunt

We dont do screentime in the morning, but If my kid was waking at 5am, they're getting screen time, no doubt about it!

Well first up you both need to stop letting your toddler get up at 5am!!!
Its not morning. 6am at the earliest - if she wakes at 5am you need to say to her it's still night time, it's not time to get up yet. Try getting a gro clock and point out that Mrs sunshine isn't up yet so she needs to snuggle down in bed and rest quietly.
Second up you have to accept you can't always impose ultra high parenting standards on everyone. When you have a new baby I can guarantee you there are going to be some times you just bung on the TV for your toddler to buy you some peace and quiet, and you can't insist your husband never does that.

Getting up at 5am to read books, sing songs, play with toys and sticker books is a bit much. It’s just not possible to play with toddlers and do educational activities all day every day and certainly not starting at 5am.
A bit of telly is not going to harm her. My children are grown up in their 20s and i didn’t restrict screens, ok iPads and phones didn’t exist but they watched plenty of tv and had other gadgets as the became available and they all grew into intelligent, well rounded adults all at university and interested in socialising and sports.

I’m sorry, but good luck permanently entertaining a toddler without screens when the baby is here. Speaking as a mum of a toddler and a 6 month old.

I think some screen time is fine but I think it’s a bit rubbish for the parent who is NOT growing a human inside them to use it all up.

And this is really shitty re disputing that growing another human, particularly at the end of pregnancy, is exhausting. How can he possibly imagine it wouldn’t be? (Probably because not in his selfish interests to believe it)

I just read an interesting summary that suggested various ways to simulate pregnancy... Some of the take aways were to consider wearing a weighted jacket to the average weight of a pregnancy (it didn't mention it but here's where I think you should probably figure out how much extra you weigh and calculate that percentage as a proportion of his bodyweight?!), get him to wear that and a "snug band" (to limit lung capacity like the growing uterus does) and get him to do lots of cardio to raise heart rate because pregnant mums have to live with that all the time regardless of exercise (you can't really mimic the amount of extra blood you need to pump) and also to get him out of breath because apparently in the third trimester there a a 50% increase in air inhaled and exhaled compared to non pregnant women. Worth a shot?

I call screen time on ipads and phones nothing wrong with programs like sesame Street on TV.

I don't know how I'm going to manage to continue fun, educational activities from 5am with DD1 when I have a (breastfed) newborn who will need me.

You are not going to be able to. TV time will be with you and then DH will have to be interacting with DD1.

Toilet/shower you’re both going to have to take turns with DD1 to accomplish this. We switched to evening showers for everyone to make the mornings easier.

He should be giving you more chances to rest. It is tough being pregnant and with a toddler. I remember it well.

Sorry op but you’re probably both exhausted- you even said he worked last night and is on over the weekend- he can’t get up extra early after that to shower etc then be bright and bushy tailed for a toddler! Yes he should do some screen free time but I would have had peppa pig on by a certain time myself because it’s all so exhausting!!! You both have it difficult!!

He worked late, is working the weekend, he got up early and he deals with her a bit differently than you do.

You're micromanaging him when he's really putting himself out here.

I think you're overstimulating your kid at 5 AM. Fun, educational activities starting then, you are making the rod for your own back and it's unreasonable to expect a working parent trying to get ready for work to do that while getting ready for work.

It's Sesame Street. Chill.

(tips for how to explain this to him would be helpful; I've tried showing him articles and he queries whether anyone has scientific evidence for my claim). @Waheymum

Do I understand this correctly that he won't take YOUR word for how tiring pregnancy is, he needs scientific evidence?
If that's the case, I would be questioning the relationship.
You should be able to say "hey this pregnancy is exhausting, can you do xyz" without needing to back it up with scientific papers.

Dh would have got very short shrift from me if he tried telling me what to do with my time with dd. You're both equally parents and as long as he's not doing anything harmful you need to let him find his own way.

Genuine question, how do people that have constant activities for their children not run out of ideas?! I think screen time is good for some ‘downtime’
I hear all the time that kids that don’t have screen time have lots of other activities to occupy them, do people really do that for 12ish hours?
A sticker book or educational activities when they’ve first woken up (at 5am) seems way too much.

I wouldn’t have been singing songs and crafting at 5am either and would absolutely resort to the tv at that time.

screen free activities in the house are difficult enough with toddlers. Because it’s either role play, baking, crafting, singing and who the fuck wants to do that first thing!? (Or at any time really but that’s besides the point)

Have you both agreed your toddler should be screen free? If so, YANBU. My husband and I agreed no screen time and I'd be annoyed if he therefore did it, as would he with me.

Who appointed you as the arbiter of what your child can and cannot do. Is your H not an equal parent with an equal right to decide how to care for his child? Why does he need to follow the standards and the approach that you have determined rather than doing what feels right to him?

Oh OP, I feel for you - I was the same with my babies. Very strict on no screen time, especially first thing in the morning, no sugar, endless books, wooden toys, the whole thing! And actually I do reject the idea it is impossible with two, as I did it (17 months apart).

But what I did have to realise was that I could have all those high intensity goals, and I could curate this lovely wholesome day structure - but what I couldn't do was impose that same level of expectation on someone else. Because it is very intense and it is not really necessary. I'm not saying give it up, I was very stubborn about it myself! But anyone else who looks after your child, even your husband, may not have the same parenting goals

I think you need to relax a little with the ‘perfect parenting’

educational activities at 5am is just bizarre (sorry)

sometimes you just have to make life easier for yourself, those times are days like today when you are heavily pregnant & don’t have the energy & when hubby also is tired from working.

have you had your parents take your daughter because he won’t parent your way or you don’t trust him too? Thats massively controlling & is a huge issue, esp given you are having another child with a man you don’t trust.

relax, not everything needs to be perfect & teaching child to keep self happy in bed for an hr or two would be more helpful than educational activities at 5am

Eek maybe I’m a terrible mom but when I’m up with my toddler early (partner and I alternate between the toddler and baby), I LOVE snuggling up on the sofa with him and watching CBeebies! We chatter about the shows and typically find the same bits funny 😂 sorry OP but absolutely no way would I be singing and sticker-booking with him first thing in the morning, all that waits until after breakfast!

This. Honestly you need to adjust your expectations. I would be providing no activities or entertainment at 5am. This is sleeping time..not playtime. All this will be so unsustainable with a newborn. You need to find an agreement on how all this will work. Cbeebies is great for when u need some tv.

My solution to this would be first to suggest audiobooks, a cardboard box and a crayon (to listen to and to sit in and scribble).

And then if you really want to change his parenting then you're going to have to whisper near his phone things that will change his algorithm to show him parenting tips.

Here what seems reasonable:

• asking your DH to get up earlier so that he is ready to take over childcare when you need a break, not sod off to the shower etc at that time
• discussing with him and agreeing that you both want your child to have X amount of screen time but then making clear that he doesn’t just get to use it all! had this very same discussion with my husband - it’s not fair if you agree the little one should have eg half an hour a day but he then uses all of that so you can’t put any on. (I understand many aren’t strict about time but many are esp when children are very small.)

Here’s what you can’t do - unilaterally decide something about parenting your child if your husband doesn’t agree to it.

My one parenting rule has been that anything before 6.30am earliest is night time, and we are in bed lying down.
Don't make life hard for yourself.