AIBU to expect DH to do screen-free mornings with toddler?

[Waheymum]

I'm 8-9 months pregnant. This morning our toddler woke up at five and I went to her. I tried to settle her, then read her stories and sang songs before getting her up to have breakfast and play with her toys and do sticker books. DH (who worked late last night and is working over the weekend) only got up because I'm on a medication that means I have to fast before and after taking it so my energy runs low really quickly if I'm up playing with our toddler (I explained everything we'd done thus far so he could follow my lead), and he put Sesame Street on so he could swap with me but also not have to interact or do anything with DD (so basically got on with his morning routine).

AIBU to think that A) he should be continuing my (screen-free) morning routine, B) he could fit his caffeine, toileting, and shower routine into the hour plus I'm looking after our child so he isn't just leaving her in the care of a screen when he 'takes over', and C) he has absolutely no idea how tiring growing another human is (tips for how to explain this to him would be helpful; I've tried showing him articles and he queries whether anyone has scientific evidence for my claim).

Someone else must have been in my position. Please give me tips for how to change this, I don't know how I'm going to manage to continue fun, educational activities from 5am with DD1 when I have a (breastfed) newborn who will need me.

Routine needs a re jig too, 5am is too early to be starting the day, shorten the nap would be my suggestion

Top tip op and you will hate this but you need to do nothing at 5am with her or her brain will keep on thinking it's awake time. Keep it dark, keep it quiet, no screens, no toys, no stimulating activities. If she is a real nightmare, put a calm audiobook on & lie in bed (in the dark) with her. No lights at all until at least 6am. Ideally you wouldn't go into her at all for a bit.

Your biggest issue here is your toddler waking too early. I've been there, i know its the hardest nut to crack but if you keep it dark & quiet etc you will eventually get it where she doesn't wake til 6 & that extra hour is key.

I think there's too much unspoken assumption happening and not enough actual communication.

You say "I explained everything we'd done thus far so he could follow my lead" but you are assuming that he took that as instructions to carry on with the same kind of thing rather than making his own decision, you are assuming he sees you as "leader/manager/in charge", and you say "he could fit his caffeine, toileting, and shower routine into the hour plus I'm looking after our child so he isn't just leaving her in the care of a screen when he 'takes over'" but have you actually had a conversation with him about the benefits of screen free time and is this a decision you made together or did you read up on it and decide solo?

What should have happened is that he has had as much opportunity to understand why it's a good idea to likit toddler screen time and agrees, and that when you get up you say out loud "are you ok to be showered and coffed by 6:30 to take over as I don't think I can last much longer than that" because you seem to be seething in resentment tharhe didn't deduce that this was your expectation when his head is fuzzy with insufficient sleep. .... OR ... that you discuss the options like grownups and agree that it's ok fir both of you to be a little kinder to yourselves and use the electronic babysitter a little more.

I don’t know. If all the DH does when he’s in charge of the toddler is stick the TV on, then I can see why she’s annoyed. It means she can’t do the same when it’s her turn because it’ll add up to a lot of hours.

Plus if it goes on at 5am and they’re not ready to start the day until something like 8 or 9am, that’s 3-4 hours of TV. He needs to have something else in his parenting repertoire.

Yes YABVU

Sticker books, singing and no tv at 5am makes you sound a little unhinged.

I was very pfb. I actually was a better mum you know 🤣 but then I had an early riser and 2 under 2. We didn't even have tv available then (cbeebies didn't used to start till 6.30 or something) so I used dvds. I used to have a pillow and blanket and tuck us up on the sofa and I would be able to snooze for a bit longer. Button Moon is really quite trippy when you're already out of your mind with tiredness.

Your DH is also really tired. He is working and getting up early too. He isn't and can't be pregnancy tired. He literally can't do that for you. You dont need him to understand the science, you just need him (and you) to know that you are both working really hard and both feel exhausted. This feels really hard because it is really hard. You need your goal to shift to surviving it as best you can and supporting each other to get through it. Not scoring points, not blaming each each other, not playing 'who has it worst'.

2 under 2 nearly killed us, and our marriage. The only way we made it through was to relax standards and pull together.

FWIW, my dc are teens now. Have never had an ipad, delayed phones and limited apps still. I'm still a bit pfb! But I do not feel bad at all about the probably hours of early morning tv we used at all. They're high achieving all rounders and lovely teens and early hours Button Moon has had no ill effects. In fact it was a tool to get us through that bit and survive.

Don't make life any harder than it already is!

The thing I hate about fathers chucking their kids on screens is that it means it's a tool less available to mothers for a break. Mothers are the ones usually trying to manage the screen time and the ones that are judged for it. A lot of fathers take the easy option with screens, do fuck all parenting, and minimise the use mothers can make of them. So YANBU to expect him to take a more balanced approach with his OWN child.

I love that you’re aiming for reduced screen time - but to spend all morning doing screen-free activities and then want more - you need to be a little more realistic if he’s working late and about to go to work.
as long as it’s not his constant go to - plus Sesame Street is quite educational - it’s not like you DC is on that vile YT app!

Screen time is the devil - unless it's a poor wee dad that needs to make use of it. Mumsnet eh.

Nah. A cheerful sing along and craft session before dawn is the work of the devil whatever sex you are.

Some children just don't sleep later despite all your efforts though. We considered we'd turned a corner when DS slept to 5.30am, and another when he was old enough to amuse himself without an adult
He didn't start waking later until he was 12 and hormones kicked in.

But I agree they don't get "rewarded" for waking early.

But if OP has a child like mine, then she has years of this to come and needs to be adopting management techniques.

This. It’s like takeaway- sure it’s ok sometimes but if it’s daddy’s go to when he has to cook then he is loading all the responsibility for healthy meals onto the mums because he only keeps his child alive while it’s mums job to keep them healthy and nurture their development. But we don’t know if the ops dh falls in this basket, although the not understanding how tiring pregnancy is makes me want to chop him up with a rusty spoon.

Im sorry you’re having a rough time. My kids have always been early risers too - though it’s taken a massive shift this year as my daughter is a teenager! I think you sound exhausted, as does he. It will be exhausting for a while yet so I agree with most here to suggest you try to give both of you some grace here. You can’t possibly be fun and educational for 12 hours ever - certainly not while hugely pregnant or working late or with a newborn in the house. I remember that time well. I had lots of feelings about screen time until about your time and then I just focussed on choosing screen time that worked for me. There’s plenty of lovely, calm and educational television out there - octonauts comes to mind but there’s lots. And you’ll need some peace when you can find it.

Your husband should understand growing a person is hard work, but it sounds like he’s working hard too and you don’t sound particularly kind about it. You have to be a team. And find ways to work on this early morning wake up - keep things super boring and quiet until 7, maybe stop naps, look at bedtime, etc.

It’s really not as easy as ‘just make them go back to sleep’ at 5am for some kids. That’s like the people who say ‘just make them eat what you eat and if they don’t want it they’ll have it later when hungry’. That’s great if you don’t have a child who would just starve themselves.

i was very pregnant with my 2 year old and they used to come into my bed and watch Charlie and Lola and Hey Duggie when they were up very early.

It's great that you are wary of screens, but I think there is a difference bewteen hand held and TV screens.

Educational TV designed for children is amazing. If you actively watch together, pointing out new words, singing songs, predicting, critiqueing, it's great to do. I loved watching cbeebies with my kids and singing and dancing along.

Maybe adjust your expectations a little to include some screen time.

Please continue to avoid the hand held stuff: work of the devil and will reduce your child's intellect, permanently.

What? There are loads and loads of posters who say they use screens wirh their children. You’d never, ever get a post from a mum asking if it’s ok to let their kids watch telly in the morning with everyone saying no.

I have a friend who was, like you, letting her child get up at ungodly hours and then providing her with continuous “fun and educational” activities from dawn until dusk. She sneered at me for letting my child watch cbeebies - her child was screen free at all times.

Her child is eight now and is a nightmare, incapable of playing alone and needing constant adult input at all times, interrupting conversations and demanding attention.

Over-parenting can be as bad as under-parenting.

This. A bit of tv in the morning is fine.

Having a second child with a man who doesn't believe being pregnant can make you tired without a published scientific paper is not fine. What an absolute pig

There's two seperate issues here. Your husband not believing how tired you are is unbelievable and especially asking for scientific claims. He should be supporting you not questioning you, especially so later on in your pregnancy!

The second issue is about the 5am waking and constant educational activities. Neither of mine have been early wakers, but 5am is always treated as the middle of the night. What your child and you certainly don't need is educational activities from 5am. It sounds completely exhausting for you and her and a one way ticket to burnout.

Of course reading, singing and playing are important and should be encouraged. But it doesn't need to be ALL the time or a constant stream of activities. I am not a fan if ipads or phones but some TV for a bit while you get on with things I don't see any problem with.

Your toddler is a toddler. She's not at school. Not every single minute of the day needs to be filled with educational activities or you entertaining her. And with a baby soon, you'll certainly not be able to do that. It all sounds very inflexible and rigid by telling your partner what you're doing so he can follow your lead like it's some sort of school schedule. Some of the best things for a child is to learn to play on their own, to use their imagination and also just to follow adults about their daily routine too.

Children don't need perfect, performance parenting with songs at 5am. There's good evidence now that "good enough" parenting is better for them. It leads to less burnout to you and allows them to build independence coping skills. They benefit more from being nurtued and connection rather than being constantly over stimulated.

I really do see where you’re coming from OP and I sympathise, in a perfect world I would parent similarly but I just don’t have the energy or discipline. My 3 year old probably watches 2-3 hours of TV on days when we’re at home and I feel this is way too much, but on the other hand he is not behind, will also spend hours running around at the park or in the garden, etc.. Our rule is that we don’t encourage TV watching, he only watches it when he asks, I have had to have a word with my partner about not initiating TV watching on days when our child is enjoying more play.

I agree with other posters 5am is too early. We have a clock that changes colour when it’s an appropriate time to get up. If he’s up before then I just lye in his bed with him, even if neither of us get back to sleep it’s far more relaxing than playing and sticker books! Some days I nod off and I don’t think he does, as he informs me the minute the clock changes colour! We’ve done this since he was a baby (and I mean newborn) and he’s never argued it or pushed to get up because it’s just so ingrained.

It’s ridiculous that your partner doesn’t believe that pregnancy is tiring, does he generally think the majority of women are liars?!? But I think you’re possibly expecting too much from him on days when he’s worked late, (depending on what late means to you, shift work finishing at 10 or 11 is a bit different to staying late in the office until 7).

I might be wrong, but I really think a lot of the negativity about screens refers to phones and tablets. A kid scrolling through YouTube or playing games designed to be addictive is so different to a bit of Sesame Street or similar. I’m very lax on tv, but my child will not use a phone or tablet.

Ok you need to relax about screens for a start!
Your main problem is a DH who doesn't believe it is exhausting being heavily pregnant! This surely hasnt came out of the blue?

I do agree that 5am is not for stimulating activities like singing and stories. This is the definition of making a rod for your own back.

I'm not a fan of screens for young children but an hour between 5 and 7 is definitely the time to do it.

I think you need to keep it really low key and boring at 5 and 6. Or they'll continue to be early risers.

This! If my child woke this early which he did ALL the time… it was tv whilst I dozed on the sofa. I am not doing sticker books at 5am!!

(I explained everything we'd done thus far so he could follow my lead), There is no way my DH who is an excellent father would have taken that from me when DC was small. You're too controlling.

YABU; he is equally entitled to decide how to parent his child as you are.

I was going to say this too. My friend’s little girl is like this, absolutely incapable of amusing herself, when I go round we have to get involved in whatever make believe game she’s got going on as she can’t play solo or without being entertained by adults, she’s used to getting up at 5am and being instantly catered to and entertained all morning. It would drive me batty. My 3yo will listen to her Toniebox and play in her room until the sun is up on her clock as she knows at 5am she’s not getting anything out of us!