Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

Exactly. What is the solution? He didn’t even say ‘Let’s try to find a babysitter/nanny’ it’s like i’m expected to sort that?!

Book yourself a hotel room for Wednesday evening. Pack everything you need for the job in the boot of your car. Once DD is in bed, tell DH you're popping out (for fuel or something). Go to the hotel and text him that you'll be working tomorrow (Thursday) so he'll be responsible for looking after his daughter.

There's a solution for you.

I see this too.

We have a similar arrangement re work. I have a highly paid/ad hoc role self employed. DH has a long term full time senior role. we don’t use anymore childcare that school/nursery. If something comes up he takes annual leave. It’s all fine. Work expect him to do that sometimes due to just being a parent. If a kid is sick and we’re both working we take it in turns to take the day off.

does your DH need to give a lot of notice for annual leave? Or has used it all?

we Co-parent, co-house keep. He does the shopping because I can’t stand supermarkets.

i think your DH needs some training in how to be a grown up in a marriage

Bollocks, he must get holidays. No one’s that fucking important, he’s taking the piss. He just doesn’t want to use his holidays for the good of the family.

how does he spend his annual leave?

It won't. He'll get his mum to do it then after a few months find a girlfriend and get her moved in and upduffed asap.

He's lying.

To be fair to him, he would probably pass a polygraph, because he doesn't KNOW he's lying.

Because in his head, 50:50 is, at BEST, half the nights at his house. But could just be 50:50 on weekends. I have seen this before, in real life and, even more, on here.

Man wants 50:50. BUT, he also still wants the woman to collect children and have them post school. So he will swan in at 7pm, and take them to his house for bed and overnight. In your case, it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks he can drop them at yours at 7:30 am.

But, more likely, he wants 50:50 of the "good time"

He's a neuro surgeon right? Or something like that, very important and booking a day off with not too much notice could kill people?

Because otherwise he just doesn't want to look after his child/use his holiday.

Very very few people are that important that they can't schedule a day off with a weeks notice and move meetings around.

I'm not sure I fully agree with the indignation here...

It depends on his job, which we know nothing about. Some companies indeed require quite a lot of notice for annual leave, or he might have ongoing projects that won't allow for AL right now.

He was always planned to work that day. You weren't. It's fine to ask if he is able to take leave, but since you're the one with the unpredictable timetables I do think you're the one who should sort out childcare at short notice in these situations.

You are the default childcare because you don't have established work patterns. If you don't want this to happen, you can both work out wrap-around childcare so you can work full time.

Exactly this.

It's conceivable that having a particular day off would be a problem for him. There'll be lots of places where 2 weeks notice for a day next to a BH weekend wouldn't be enough. So that part at least potentially passes the sniff test.

However, what that does mean is he needs to accept the limitations of his job also impact on you.

In my industry, annual leave needs to be requested 6 weeks in advance

You need to source childcare completely independent of him.
You need to get legal advice and get organised.
You are married to a self arsehole.
Shit husband and father.

Far better for you both to be away from him.
Get organised first though.
Send texts to him about sharing the load, get his refusal documented.

this is why the birth rate is tanking - this expectation on women to ‘do it all’ is ridiculous.
I don’t know what the answer is -( I don’t want to be a handmaiden!) but frankly the modern society set up for women does not work. There is zero support for mothers - from employers , from the state, from husbands.

I know this is a site based in the UK, but sometimes I get a bit fustrated at blatant exaggerations.

Zero support? You are having a laugh. The UK has zero copay prenatal care and childbirth, paid maternity leave for months on end, free hours of tax free childcare, flexible working rights, and parental leave rights.

Try having children in the United States. That is what zero support looks like. After insurance, I still owed around $10k per childbirth. We get zero paid maternity leave, zero free childcare, no right to Flex Time and parental leave is not a right and always unpaid.

In addition, the women in the UK who are grandmothers now would have had the current generation of mothers under a regime much like what we have here in the US. UK mothers today get a lot more than zero support even though it may not be enough. Sometimes I think people need to understand how lucky they are compared to many other mothers in equally rich countries.

It IS increasingly why MC professional women in their 30's are embracing "one and done" in their marriages.

I have several in my circle.
They love their successful careers and figure one child is doable, but two will impact THEM too much.

I think it is very wise.

@ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead

He says he can’t just ask for time off-is in a responsible position tbf and is needed

You know, most of the time they think they're much more important and necessary than they actually are and I bet if this was something he badly wanted to do for himself he'd manage to get the day off. Funny, that.

My D(ick)H was the same, when pressed to finish early - very very rarely , he would announce that he would just say that he had a GP/Dentist appointment rather than pick up his DC from nursery. His ego was the issue not his employer.

can your DH not just book a days leave? Like everyone else does?

It’s one thing to say that, but another to do that. Especially when would involve him having to flex his big man job.

I’d be very unimpressed with his response. Like you say, you’re not expecting him to take leave every day you request it, but he absolutely needs to share responsibility for enabling you to work or accepting that you won’t work as much (if that’s your preference).

Sounds like needs reminding that you’re a team and that parenthood is about sharing responsibility.

You said other rich countries, plural, and then only mentioned one. America is not the world. We get much less than is on offer in many of our nearer neighbours.

If you want to make that argument, either make it properly and use European examples too or explain why the US alone is the appropriate comparison.

You have already discussed divorcing? Did he clarify why he would parent after divorcing, but refuses to now?

Absolutely. The USA sets the bar low, but many other European countries set it much higher.

Regardless of that, the main issue here isn't policy, it's the twatty attitude of the H.

I had a screaming row with DH about summer holiday childcare that then resulted in me crying (which I never do!).

He is exactly like your DH - wants the money off a second income but not prepared to pull his weight with childcare. He literally booked an extra week's holiday rather than spend 3 days at home with kids, running the household.

My tactics have included:
Screaming (as above)
Crying (as above)
Calm talks (useless)
Making plans and charts (useless, he booked a holiday instead)
Buying extra leave (worked)
Threatening to quit (attracted some attention)

Good luck

In his defence I do think this is too short notice to book annual leave in a lot of jobs but his attitude stinks.

He does not appreciate how lucky he is to have had someone covering all the pickups, appts and holidays up to this point. IRL every couple I know have to juggle their A/L between them, taking it in turns to do the childcare. Im not suggesting the mental load is always equal but every single Dad in my peer group does their fair share. And I predominantly work with women but the Dads I work with also take time off when their kids are sick etc.

I agree with the pp who said that it’s not always to book leave at short notice during school holidays as it’s a popular time to have off and many teams/departments will be working at low staffing.

Welcome to the world of the two parent work-childcare juggle. Holiday clubs and advanced planning are your friends in the future and yes, he will have to get involved. You also may need to decline the occasional last minute job offer.

You are being unreasonable if he CAN'T take the day off, or if it would put his job in jeopardy should he do so (unless you're ok about him not working, obviously).
If he can book it off with no consequences, then you're completely reasonable, as just because you work fewer hours doesn't mean all the childcare is on you.

Hire a babysitter you both pay for