Page 8 | AIBU to ask DH to come back from London as baby and I are unwell?

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 2026-03-19T15:23:23+00:00

Wasn’t sure where to put this as have a bit of a dilemma. DH is away for today and tonight for a work thing in London. It is a new job (end of Jan) so he is still making good impression etc and on best behaviour. All was agreed and grandma is staying tonight to help with my 8 week old and almost four year old. Baby has had her 8 week jabs today and is now very cranky - a lot of crying/ screaming and off her milk. This would be fine if I was on my own but I have a really bad eye infection. It was a stye but has now developed (as of this morning!)into a full infection and doctor has mentioned I would have to go to a and e if not improved after the antibiotics given. my right side of face is so painful and I feel really run down. Grandma is staying but she is in her 70s and I would never expect her to do the nights. im really worried that I won’t be able to cope with my screaming baby in the night who might be a lot worse and the night will be really disturbed. I’m really suffering and need some sleep (we split the nights - I do the lion’s share and he does from 4-6:30 approx). I have called him to ask him to consider coming back as I need my husband. what would you do? Aibu to ask? Please be kind in responses, this is a bit of a shit situation and I feel physically very poorly.

samspotato · 19/03/2026 23:32

Caitl995 · 19/03/2026 23:00

I think unless you’re dying then asking someone to come back from work at a new job because 2 people can’t cope for 1 night with a baby and a toddler is verging on cruel and abusive. And believe me I hate 99% of men so rarely stick up for them but come on, he’ll feel ridiculous saying he has to go home! Neck a red bull, take some pain relief and power through.

What ridiculous, dangerous advice. Have you actually read the op’s posts? She has been told by a GP that she may require hospitalisation. It’s not ideal for the dad to come back but abusive? To expect him to be there to care for his own kid while she’s in hospital? I’ve literally heard it all.

As a pp said, the op has been full of grace in her replies to posters, some of whom have been at best unsympathetic and at worst absolutely vile.

Op I really hope you feel better in the morning. I think you’ve done the right thing trying to power through with help from your mum but if you are in any doubt at all please get to a&e. I don’t think a red bull will cut it in this situation 🤦🏻‍♀️

Superscientist · 19/03/2026 23:35

Do your best lovely that's all you can do.

My partner went to the US for a meeting so was away for 5days when my second was 8 weeks and I had 5 yo. It was an annual meeting for funding and was essential he went and couldn't be moved. I had been hospitalised in pregnancy too due to liver issues and severe fatigue. Bed times were messy, 5yo wanted me, I needed sleep, baby needed me. Lots of playing hot potato with the baby and sharing the care of my eldest. They held baby whilst I got her ready for bed. Then FIL did the bed time stories, and MIL sat with her whilst she went to sleep.

They left the day my partner came home but that bedtime he had been awake for 30h and was very jetlagged. Both children were crying and as much as partner wanted to help he couldn't see straight and I had to send him to bed. 4yo went to sleep around half 10, baby and me had to hide in the dining room at one point as it was the further point from the bedrooms.

It felt like the longest week in the world but we survived. As long as everyone gets fed and some sleep that's a win. I hope you all feel better in the morning.

In hindsight it might have been a good idea to rearrange the jabs. My daughter had a reaction to her 4 month jabs and in 8h we had a phone appointment with the HV followed by 3 GP appointments and then a visit to the paeds assessment unit. I have always made sure that I arranged jabs when I have support. I was on my own with her from 5am to 1pm as my partner was in work and I couldn't contact him and it felt like lifetime.

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 19/03/2026 23:51

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/03/2026 18:24

She is 15. She can help with the chopping.

Bit harsh. Think we’re all hoping the OP survives the night.

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 19/03/2026 23:53

twentyeightfishinthepond · 19/03/2026 21:32

Pulp yourself together.

…and another. I blame video games for this spate of violence.

Thunderpants88 · 19/03/2026 23:58

@Dinosaurhearmeroar you’ve got this in the bag.

you will feel truly awful until the antibiotics kick in. Lean on Grandma. She may be 75 but she can deal with one night of broken sleep if it allows you to rest and recover.

you have made the right choice not asking DH to come home.

someone said “this too shall pass” we have 4 age 6 and under and DH worked abroad every two weeks for a week. It was tough, we had V&D, UTI’s, croup (really bad ambulance called out x3 and blue lighted) falls and trips.

I promise it is all a distant memory. We muddled through the nights with support from parents and I was shattered. But nothing a few relaxing days and lie ins could sort.

Hang in there until he is home and know you held the fort and are the strong women helping DH in the difficult early weeks of a new job

Aquarius91 · 20/03/2026 00:18

You’ve made the right call OP. Wishing you a restful night and a speedy recovery x

JMSA · 20/03/2026 03:04

You can’t ask him to come back.

Really hope you feel better soon though 💐

CrazyGoatLady · 20/03/2026 03:55

Bunny44 · 19/03/2026 22:50

I'm really surprised by the responses telling OP she's being unreasonable. Leaving a mum with a serious infection to her eye, looking after a young baby and a 4 year old on her own over night - he's not going to lose his job if he goes hone to attend a medical issue for his family. Men and women do that all the time at my work especially with very young babies.

I also believe it really enforces misogyny suggesting men aren't needed at home for situations like this and that it's bad if their wife "can't cope" alone - he shouldn't even have to explain himself other than to describe it as a medical emergency. The men I work with would absolutely go home in exactly these sorts of situations and people don't view them badly for it. In fact some of the men I know who do have frequently had to go home to tend to family issues if exactly this kind, recently won various awards and prizes for their contribution to the business.

Would you guys be telling a man to just suck it up if the roles were reversed?

Edited

As a wife who is on a senior leadership team and often goes away on business trips that may involve 1-3 nights away from home, yes I expect DH as my children's father to be able to cope with the vast majority of parenting situations and would not expect to have to come home barring a serious emergency situation. If OP had needed hospitalisation then of course that would be different. And in the OP's case, she has her mum there for support, she's not coping completely alone.

There are lots of jobs where people can't just come home because their spouse is sick. Armed forces, emergency services, disaster relief, etc. It is hard on the spouse coping alone while ill themselves, of course. But it is a reality that many people are coping with, there is no option of the spouse returning at short notice unless it's very serious.

Most employers can (and should) give grace for emergencies. But most employers will also notice if someone is having family emergencies much more frequently than others and will want to initiate a conversation about it. It really depends what someone's job is as to the impact it'll have if a staff member is frequently returning home from business trips. Missing a few internal
meetings or networking type things might not be a big deal, but if it's frequently directly impacting your business's customers, it may do. In my line of work it would have an impact, and I have had to have a few difficult conversations with staff whose home lives were not compatible with a job that requires regular travel and overnight stays and working to set timeframes for completing work on a client site. Most often this has been mums who either can't cope psychologically with being away from a sick child, even when dad/grandparents/family are there and dealing with it perfectly fine, or where dad is frankly a bit incompetent and just isn't really on board with having to parent solo for a couple of days a week.

CrazyGoatLady · 20/03/2026 03:57

@Dinosaurhearmeroar - really hope you feel better soon - it sounds very tough and sucks to be in those trenches. As others have said, it is temporary, and you will all recover. Hopefully DH can take on the lion's share with the baby when he's back and you can rest and Grandma can go off duty and recover too.

cyclonethenext · 20/03/2026 04:07

Glad you didn't hassle him to come home. Sometimes we just have to get on with it.

augustusglupe · 20/03/2026 05:47

You talk about Grandma in her 70s like she’s 90.
Leave your husband to do his job.

Iocanepowder · 20/03/2026 07:10

Morning, op, how are you doing? Hope your eye is ok x

Bunny44 · 20/03/2026 07:51

CrazyGoatLady · 20/03/2026 03:55

As a wife who is on a senior leadership team and often goes away on business trips that may involve 1-3 nights away from home, yes I expect DH as my children's father to be able to cope with the vast majority of parenting situations and would not expect to have to come home barring a serious emergency situation. If OP had needed hospitalisation then of course that would be different. And in the OP's case, she has her mum there for support, she's not coping completely alone.

There are lots of jobs where people can't just come home because their spouse is sick. Armed forces, emergency services, disaster relief, etc. It is hard on the spouse coping alone while ill themselves, of course. But it is a reality that many people are coping with, there is no option of the spouse returning at short notice unless it's very serious.

Most employers can (and should) give grace for emergencies. But most employers will also notice if someone is having family emergencies much more frequently than others and will want to initiate a conversation about it. It really depends what someone's job is as to the impact it'll have if a staff member is frequently returning home from business trips. Missing a few internal
meetings or networking type things might not be a big deal, but if it's frequently directly impacting your business's customers, it may do. In my line of work it would have an impact, and I have had to have a few difficult conversations with staff whose home lives were not compatible with a job that requires regular travel and overnight stays and working to set timeframes for completing work on a client site. Most often this has been mums who either can't cope psychologically with being away from a sick child, even when dad/grandparents/family are there and dealing with it perfectly fine, or where dad is frankly a bit incompetent and just isn't really on board with having to parent solo for a couple of days a week.

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I also travel for work and I'm a single parent. My child stays with my parents when I'm away and yes there are circumstances where I couldn't come back because I was far away abroad, but OP insinuated this wasn't a particularly critical overnight stay and not that far away. It really depends what DH's job is and what he's attending. It might be a non critical internal meeting. They should be able to decide between them.

YourHeartyFatball · 20/03/2026 07:53

Hope you’re feeling better this morning.

Wildgoat · 20/03/2026 07:56

Bunny44 · 20/03/2026 07:51

I also travel for work and I'm a single parent. My child stays with my parents when I'm away and yes there are circumstances where I couldn't come back because I was far away abroad, but OP insinuated this wasn't a particularly critical overnight stay and not that far away. It really depends what DH's job is and what he's attending. It might be a non critical internal meeting. They should be able to decide between them.

Show quote history

It’s a new job and one night, of course she did the right thing and not asking him to come back, she’s clearly got through it.

Maybejust · 20/03/2026 08:21

I'm reading all these comments saying you're being unreasonable and thinking- you have an 8 week old and so 8 weeks postpartum., with a 4 year old, yes you've got help but the baby is unwell, you're unwell...

Then I read where you've said the GP said A and E in the morning and I really feel for you.

As someone who has a condition whereby, unfortunately if I get ill it does mean A and E - putting myself in your shoes for a minute I can see why you're asking this.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to make your husband aware of the situation OP. He may not have needed to come home straight away but I don't think there is any harm in letting him know the situation so that if there's a development he's a little more prepared for it.

It's the morning now, I really hope you coped ok last night.

Do what you need to do for you, and your children and if that means calling on help- then please always ask for it.

I hope you're OK?

Original poster

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 20/03/2026 08:42

Morning everyone,

the night was okay - it wasn’t the tiredness I was worried about, more coping with poorly baby while in a lot of pain. She did well and actually didn’t wake up as much as expected - she is still under weather as she did a funny old poo and is a bit off her milk but all to be expected said nurse who did jabs.

i have contacted doctor who told me to go to a and e if not improved as it hasn’t this am BUT nhs advice is wait 48 hours for abx to kick in so im a little confused and just need him to advise. I have a feeling he will say hospital - really really hope he doesn’t but think will have to.

grandma helped this morning with both - thank goodness for her. Hats off to all those women doing it on their own - I don’t think I could.

somebody mentioned I talk about grandma as if she’s in her 90s lol - I don’t think I have been, just conscious of how much she does for both my sister (going through the awful divorce with two small children, one with SEN) and me so aware of how tired it makes her. My dad, her husband, is a very grumpy functioning alcoholic so is no help hence why I try not to put too much on her and feel guilty when I do.

eta - doctors just called me and told me to come in so praying that they give me the answer I want (not to go to hospital!!)

x

OP posts:

Original poster

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 20/03/2026 08:49

Thunderpants88 · 19/03/2026 23:58

@Dinosaurhearmeroar you’ve got this in the bag.

you will feel truly awful until the antibiotics kick in. Lean on Grandma. She may be 75 but she can deal with one night of broken sleep if it allows you to rest and recover.

you have made the right choice not asking DH to come home.

someone said “this too shall pass” we have 4 age 6 and under and DH worked abroad every two weeks for a week. It was tough, we had V&D, UTI’s, croup (really bad ambulance called out x3 and blue lighted) falls and trips.

I promise it is all a distant memory. We muddled through the nights with support from parents and I was shattered. But nothing a few relaxing days and lie ins could sort.

Hang in there until he is home and know you held the fort and are the strong women helping DH in the difficult early weeks of a new job

Thank you - you sound like a bloody Wonder Woman too!

OP posts:

Booooooooom · 20/03/2026 08:51

Hope you’re feeling better soon!

Lifestooshort71 · 20/03/2026 08:52

Thanks for the update and glad you all got through it. Sounds as though the NHS is on the ball and you will get the best advice - poor you ☹️. Make sure he takes over asap so you can rest up a bit 💐

Lomonald · 20/03/2026 08:55

I am glad you didn't have it too bad during the night, and eek your eye hopefully it heals quickly, your mum sounds a star my mum lives with a similar man she is in her early 70s and it takes a lot out of them.

Comtesse · 20/03/2026 09:02

OP listen to the dr who has actually seen you in person rather than generic online advice, they will have a much better handle on the risk of your infection deteriorating - fingers crossed the ABs are starting to work.

CandiedPrincess · 20/03/2026 09:15

As a wife who is on a senior leadership team and often goes away on business trips that may involve 1-3 nights away from home, yes I expect DH as my children's father to be able to cope with the vast majority of parenting situations and would not expect to have to come home barring a serious emergency situation.

This is me too, and I absolutely agree. My DH would never ask me to come back unless there was an absolute emergency. Also my trips are abroad so it's not that easy to just come back.

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 20/03/2026 09:20

Glad your night wasn't too bad in the end, OP, but you DO need to go to the doctors about your eye. Wishing you the very best of luck 💐

Bowling4soup · 20/03/2026 09:33

Hope you get good news at the drs this morning. What time will your DH get home?