AIBU to ask DH to come back from London as baby and I are unwell?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

Wasn’t sure where to put this as have a bit of a dilemma. DH is away for today and tonight for a work thing in London. It is a new job (end of Jan) so he is still making good impression etc and on best behaviour. All was agreed and grandma is staying tonight to help with my 8 week old and almost four year old.

Baby has had her 8 week jabs today and is now very cranky - a lot of crying/ screaming and off her milk. This would be fine if I was on my own but I have a really bad eye infection. It was a stye but has now developed (as of this morning!)into a full infection and doctor has mentioned I would have to go to a and e if not improved after the antibiotics given.

my right side of face is so painful
and I feel really run down. Grandma is staying but she is in her 70s and I would never expect her to do the nights.

im really worried that I won’t be able to cope with my screaming baby in the night who might be a lot worse and the night will be really disturbed. I’m really suffering and need some sleep (we split the nights - I do the lion’s share and he does from 4-6:30 approx).

I have called him to ask him to consider coming back as I need my husband.

what would you do? Aibu to ask? Please be kind in responses, this is a bit of a shit situation and I feel physically very poorly.

You said the gran is 70. I'm 76 and if I was supporting my grandchild it would be no problem to help during the night. Unless there is some debilitating illness, a 70-year-old isn't like a 90-year-old in terms of frailty.

Sorry I’ve been busy with bedtime and just catching up. There is a lot to get through! Some really really kind posts here- I don’t have time to respond individually but will try.

I think some people haven’t read my update - I didn’t ask DH to come home in the end as I know how important the early stages of a job are. I was panicking and worried about putting too much on grandma (she does a lot for my older sister who is also nearby with two small children and going through a terrible, acrimonious divorce). She is staying overnight so she can help me in the am as baby is often very teary then too! She is a Velcro baby as another poster said.

my mum isn’t 70, she is 75 (I think I wrote in her 70s in my first post) and is fit and well mostly but does get tired so having DH is of course preferable as he is the other parent.

a couple of posts have mentioned I seem anxious - you are quite right I do suffer from
anxiety but am managing it with meds and help of perinatal team. I am not a hypochondriac (it isn’t a stye! It has developed into something quite nasty - would never ask DH home for a stye lol!) just quite pessimistic as I suffered badly in my pregnancy despite being fit and healthy (hyper emesis and then crutches as I couldn’t walk due to severe hip pain). Work heavily hinted at me to be signed off as I kept going in (I’m a teacher) while in clear pain so I do pride myself on being a trooper mostly!

When the doctor was very firm about getting the abx asap because it could rapidly deteriorate I did feel quite panicked as my colleague actually had this happen to her and it started with a little stye. Couple that with baby screaming for a long time and I just thought, “this is the pits, I bet it get worse and of course DH isn’t here - the law of sod.”

I really appreciate those who have posted about their own experience with cellulitis or having DH away with small children. There has been a lot of understanding shown so thank you.

somebody mentioned about it not being a race to the bottom but that you would be surprised at how much strength you have during those tough moments - something I’ve seen many posts show tonight. I can do this and will be okay. It might be a shit night but fingers crossed calpol will help and my infection doesn’t develop further.

It's not clear why you're quoting me. 🤷‍♀️

Welcome to motherhood where we don’t get sick days . It’s shit but then it is what it is. I think asking him to come back is unreasonable but equally I can see that you are a relatively new mum and motherhood is very daunting. You will be fine, you’ll not be fine xx

If you need to go to A&E you can take the baby if need be and if you are feeding they can support. They will try to get you a private room to be with the baby and get a cot brought over from maternity (assuming you feel well enough to care for the baby).

I've only read your posts and see that you didn't end up asking your husband back. I can see why you wanted to and why you felt so anxious and vulnerable though.
I'm another person who has a husband who works away and no family support and yes, for the most part you do just get on with it but I do remember in the early days feeling unusually stressed and I put it down to having pre eclampsia in pregnancy. I definitely think having health issues suddenly crop up can make you feel quite anxious for a while after (it did for me anyway!!). I hope the antibiotics kick in soon and you feel better.

This is one of those times where you will just “have to solider on” I’m afraid. Yes it is shit and yes it will probably be quite stressful too, but you can’t ask him to come back, it’s a new job and it wouldn’t look great. He’s back tomorrow, so try and catch up on some sleep then.

obviously if it were a serious illness / emergency then that is totally different, but this is not an emergency.

YANBU. If I had a new employee who explained that situation, I'd be sympathetic to their need to ensure the well-being of their wife and child. I would think it pathetic that my company could not accommodate such an urgent situation without the world collapsing around it. I would consider emergency transport options if the employee stayed but the situation deteriorated. Later on, I would monitor for patterns of unreliability emerging, but for now this is not the time for jumping straight to 'company before family'.

Risk of losing sight isn’t an emergency?

she has a very very high chance of needing to go to the hospital in the morning. He should be home ready incase she becomes ill in the night. Her health needs to be priority m. 8 don’t think people realise how dangerous this could be. It’s not a cold.

It's 1 night this happened to me when my ex was working away. Not that he did much parenting anyway. I had an autistic toddler to take to nursery 1 mile walk each way and 6 month old baby. It swelled had swelled up when I got antibiotics it was dripping puss was grose. But I got on with it because I had to.

Imagine being a single parent with no support. You get get on with it

If she was a single mother in this situation and she had to go to hospital for iv antibiotic and be admitted and she truly has zero support (no friends, no family) she would take her kids with her to the hospital and they would have to find arrangements through emergency social services. Again if she had an actual medical emergency where she needs to go a&e the other parent needs to be there.

You’ve already got grandma helping ! How many people do you need ffs!!

maybe you should learn to look after yourself and your baby even when you feel unwell as this is gonna happen many times now you’re a mum !
toughen up and manage your catastrophsing and you’ll start to feel better !

Oh come on. Unless grandma is frail or has health issues she’ll surely be able to manage one night if necessary. I’m 73 and I certainly could.

Can I just say how full of grace your answers have been, @Dinosaurhearmeroar ?

I was often left alone in tricky situations as my partner worked away loads when my children were small. Luckily I didn’t get seriously ill, though! I did suffer from PND from having two under two and coping alone a lot. It’s not until now that I can rationalise this; it takes a village etc.

Anyway, I hope your eye gets better soon and hope your night isn’t too bad 🤞

Glad to see you have thought better of calling him home. I totally get how shit it can be, my ex worked permanent nights and dealing with a newborn 24/7 on his work days nigh on killed me, especially when she was poorly.

Tonight/tomorrow is time to make life easy, call for a takeaway, have a pj day with the kids. Let the older one have a tv day (it won't kill them for 1 day) and just make life as easy as you can!

Give baby some calpol and then try and get some rest tonight.

Keeping fingers crossed that tonight goes well and baby settles. My DH often goes away with work for weeks at a time and I used to get quite anxious knowing I was solely ‘on’. That’s eased over time. But I totally get the Sod’s Law of all this happening when your DH is away. That used to always happen with me and it’s crap. I remember one time he had just left on a two week trip and the kids got chicken pox!!!
I hope you get some sleep and your eye feels better.

Just sending strength.
Don't assume you all have to be tucked up on bed tonight.
Let grannie sooth the baby for the forst part of the night while you and the 4 year old sleep. Then swap. Doze in the armchair with baby in the basket near you. Alternate calpol and baby nurofen.
If you feel the eye getting worse during the night, try to get to A&E by 5.30/6ish which I understand can be a quieter time.
Ring DH from the hospital if necessary to get home and relieve grandma who can also get your sister round even if other dc in tow.

Hope you feel better by morning.

are you quite anxious generally

Yes unfortunately 🤦‍♀️ I mentioned it in a previous post but I am managing it. Sometimes it gets the better of me and I find it hard to rationalise etc.

Thank you that’s lovely of you.

Appreciate it. ❤️

Pulp yourself together.

Gently, op, put your phone down, have a warm milk or hot chocolate and close your eyes. In front of the telly with pillows and a duvet. I sometimes find that if I stop trying to sleep, sleep comes so make sure younare warm and comfy.

Mine was away all week every week for the first 18 months (only home for a day and a half a week). No family within 5000 miles and I was exclusively expressing so had mastitis approx every month. Not once did I drag him home.

You have help for the 4 year old and the antibiotics should kick in quickly.