AIBU to complain teacher asked about estranged mum in front of friends?

[justaboymummy]

AIBU to be a bit miffed that a Teacher at DSD School has openly asked her if she is related to XX (XX being my DSD mum whom she has no contact with).

Bit of a backstory, DSD (15) lives FT with DH, myself and our 2 DS's........ historically it was shared but DSD got to an age where she wouldn't be bullied and made her own choices.... there has been many up and downs since this too inc a short period where DSD went bk to mums FT (usual teenage stuff, didn't like us having rules and boundaries etc mums had no rules) short lived but unfortunately long enough to cause many scars for DSD and hugely affected her MH along with many other traumas from mum during her life which included her constant lies and endless attempts to destroy her relationship with DH and prevent contact...... even with a CO.

Anyway that's a teeny bit of back story.... DSD has been with us FT now for 2.5 years, she has no contact at all with her mum, see's her younger sister which we arrange with sisters dad and their older bro (not DH's son).
She moved schools to one more local to us and she has been so settled there and made some fantastic friends and is now in yr 10 and on with her GCSE's (she started in yr 8). This morning one of her regular teachers has approached her in class and with her friends around asked her if she is related to X this has really thrown DSD and she feels really uncomfortable. She has only shared details of her mum with her very close friends as she is very embarrassed due to the reputation mum has and the life she lives DSD tries to keep it very separate so for her to be asked openly in class and by a professional has come as a shock.

She has text me about it and I'm pretty taken back by it all. The whole thing when moving her schools etc was horrific and DSD was traumatised by the things she was put through she still has dreams now. School are well aware of all of this and have been great but for a teacher to outright say "are you related to X" she has then gone on to say that DSD has a look of her which has really got DSD shackles up.

Do you think we should speak to School?

I'd speak to them if it's affected her this much but I wouldn't 'complain', as I don't really see what the teacher did wrong.

What they did was unfortunate but not wrong as they can't keep the backstory/history of every child with problems, permanently in their heads.

Maybe speak to the hou and also is your step daughter receive therpay. She needs to be. She will get asked again if it is a small town and they have the same surname. She needs to be able to deal with being asked if she is related to someone.

If the teacher knew her mother or of her, she likely knew the history. I wouldn’t be happy with this @justaboymummy

Does the teacher know any of that? I doubt it, given that senior schools have 1500-2000 pupils. Asking if your dsd is related to someone is hardly a hanging offence. DSD could have said no or brushed it off.

If your DSD is now settled and 15yo, she will need to deal with those questions. Perhaps help her to develop a stock answer that enables her to handle such questions calmly. It will make her feel much more in control.

Do speak to the school. That’s really out of order.

I don't see how asking someone if they're related to their own mum could be seen as a predictable huge faux pas. She clearly doesn't know the minutiae of your family issues and meant no harm by it.

Explain to the school that unfortunately they're estranged and it upset her so please don't mention the mum again. But don't go in all guns blazing. She didn't actually do anything wrong. Not intentionally anyway.

I think it depends on the context really - in what way was the teacher asking?

Do SD & her mum have a really rare surname and the teacher might have somehow known her mum in the past? School mates or something? Or does she really look like her mum?

Either way, I'm sure nothing was meant by it but it might be worth having a chat with the teacher (if possible, not easy in a secondary school I guess) and letting them know that SD doesn't have a relationship with her mum and would rather not discuss it.

Sorry I might not have been 100% clear DSD doesn't have mums surname she has my DH and our family name she always has. This isn't a new teacher either she has taught her all of this year and will do through her GCSEs. It seems very odd that she has now asked SD about the "link" with her and her mum but referred to mum by her first name..... I think DSD is more cautious as her mum has in the past told her she has spies on her and knows everything she does etc...... (we know this is nonsense but to an already traumatised teen girl who is petrified of her own mum she at times can believe it). We had to involve the police last year as mum had her friends calling SD phone at all hours of the night and was doing herself after drink and/or drugs leaving nasty messages etc. So there is also the safeguarding to consider. Obviously senior staff and safeguard lead etc about her background but I wouldn't imagine its common knowledge to the entire staff list.

In addition we do live in a small town and we have always told the kids that everyone knows each others business etc however DSD mum lives around 7 miles away from us in the next next town along if you like so isn't well known here.

this is my point apparently she said they worked together..... this i find very odd as mum is a p/t hairdresser and she's an english teacher.......

Not necessarily.

It's a long and complicated history from what the OP has said.

I know the woman down the road quite well but I'm not privy to all her family business.

Not really. They may volunteer for the same charity or work on the same parish council. There are lots of ways. Maybe the teacher has a weekend job at the hair salon.

haha oh I can assure you SD mum does no volunteering nor part of any parish lets just say that's not her "scene" and she works from home not in a salon........

Every teacher isn't going to know every complicated backstory of 100s of kids.

In these circumstances, I would request a chat with the safeguarding lead at school.

I’d put a complaint in! This teacher is a nasty piece of work who clearly knows the situation and the mother and is trying to
muck rake!

I suggest contacting the Safeguarding Lead and asking them to flag up to all staff that have timetabled interaction with your daughter that she has had a complicated family history, is now trying to live a settled calm life in her Dad's household and that you would all appreciate it if staff bore in mind that she has had a difficult time and would not allude to the period before she moved to her current school.

Staff certainly don't need any more detail than that but I would expect similar consideration for all pupils with a troubled history, of any kind. Would this teacher have asked a child with obvious physical disabilities about any time spent in hospital, for instance? It makes me really cross that school staff sometimes appear to be blinkered in their dealings with youngsters and more interested in gossip than well-being.

I would speak to them and explain the situation in full and ask that SD's mum isn't brought up unless SD initiates that conversation with someone.

Maybe a teaching moment for DSD that she doesnt have to give information when asked.

She could have said "i"m not willing to discuss that" or "id rather not say" or "im happy to speak to you privately "

She may be young but she has to start to understand she has autonomy and even if its an adult in authority that is asking, she does have the right to not answer.

I know the assistant head teacher from School she happens to be a neighbour so I may just try and have a quick chat with her and see if she can maybe have a quiet word with the teacher in question...... flea in ear etc rather than making a huge issue of it. It could be very innocent with no meaning but we are still very mindful of SD MH we have got her to such a great place but know that things can knock her back if we're not careful. She has told me about it too we all know what teenagers are like lol

Exactly - which is why questions shouldn’t be asked in front of others.

yes and said teacher only met my DH 2 days ago also at parents evening.... it feels odd

I think it's a bit inappropriate for a teacher to surmise about any family links based on a child's perceived resemblance tbh, precisely because you never know what backstory or dynamics you might be wading into, and particularly in front of others. While I'm sure she didn't mean any harm, it is pretty thoughtless - I think a calm email to the school is reasonable.

It sounds like an innocent mistake - maybe teacher & mum used to work behind a bar/in Sainsbury’s together years ago & are still friends. If mum then said ‘oh my dd goes to your school - Chloe in y10?’ then it is unlikely to have been maliciously intended for the teacher to have asked your dsd about it in passing.

Having said that, given the back story & that it upset dsd, I would probably have a word with the DSL. They can then pass on to the teacher that it’s a tricky situation, your dsd & her mum are currently NC, don’t bring it up again.

Obviously teacher was thoughtless - but the mum may well have told her a rather different story & not mentioned the estrangement, so I would probably cut her a bit of slack - this sort of thing happens, teachers & students don’t live in hermetically sealed bubbles…

Don’t do this! Keep it within parent / professional boundaries and within school hours.
Just call the school, ask to speak with the Safeguarding lead about something a staff member said to your DD and leave it with them to decide whether there is cause for concern or not.

Does she look like her mother? It could be a genuine casual comment if there is a striking resemblance, could the teacher have also taught her mother in the past?