AIBU to complain teacher asked about estranged mum in front of friends?

[justaboymummy]

AIBU to be a bit miffed that a Teacher at DSD School has openly asked her if she is related to XX (XX being my DSD mum whom she has no contact with).

Bit of a backstory, DSD (15) lives FT with DH, myself and our 2 DS's........ historically it was shared but DSD got to an age where she wouldn't be bullied and made her own choices.... there has been many up and downs since this too inc a short period where DSD went bk to mums FT (usual teenage stuff, didn't like us having rules and boundaries etc mums had no rules) short lived but unfortunately long enough to cause many scars for DSD and hugely affected her MH along with many other traumas from mum during her life which included her constant lies and endless attempts to destroy her relationship with DH and prevent contact...... even with a CO.

Anyway that's a teeny bit of back story.... DSD has been with us FT now for 2.5 years, she has no contact at all with her mum, see's her younger sister which we arrange with sisters dad and their older bro (not DH's son).
She moved schools to one more local to us and she has been so settled there and made some fantastic friends and is now in yr 10 and on with her GCSE's (she started in yr 8). This morning one of her regular teachers has approached her in class and with her friends around asked her if she is related to X this has really thrown DSD and she feels really uncomfortable. She has only shared details of her mum with her very close friends as she is very embarrassed due to the reputation mum has and the life she lives DSD tries to keep it very separate so for her to be asked openly in class and by a professional has come as a shock.

She has text me about it and I'm pretty taken back by it all. The whole thing when moving her schools etc was horrific and DSD was traumatised by the things she was put through she still has dreams now. School are well aware of all of this and have been great but for a teacher to outright say "are you related to X" she has then gone on to say that DSD has a look of her which has really got DSD shackles up.

Do you think we should speak to School?

It’s weird because since they don’t share a surname, presumably the teacher knew she was related to her before she asked. It wasn’t a random guess along the lines “that’s a really unusual surname and I know someone else with that surname and I’ve no idea there’s a difficult relationship so see no issue with asking”.
And if she knew she was her mother, she must have had at less some idea that there was, at a minimum, a difficult relationship there.

With all the info you have given best guess would be the teacher worked with her mum years ago, prob when she was student in a shop or somewhere. Then when she saw your husband she remembered seeing him with the mum or something and realised your SD is related to this woman.

She likely has no idea of how this woman now lives. I know there are plenty of people who I have met over the years but have no idea what they are doing now. Even people with addictions etc can hide it well in social media etc.

I would just let the school know that this upset her, without going in all guns blazing, so it doesn't happen again.

I would do it on record not a side chat - email to safeguarding contact point: teacher has asked DSD if she is related to her mother in lesson and referenced her looking like her. This has upset DSD and made her anxious, due to history you are aware of (I.e mum claiming she has spies in the school) Can you clarify with teacher how she is aware of DSD’s mother so we can put her mind at rest.

Flea in ear. No. If you want something done about this do it officially

I work in a high school and we are always made aware when students have situations such as your DSD. It’s totally inappropriate for the staff member to ask this, if she was not aware of the backstory then the school needs to look at their systems. Definitely not okay.

I will say it’s lovely to hear that she has settled well at the new school and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Discuss with the school, it could be a genuine error but they need to make sure it isn’t repeated. Hope you get it sorted x

Thank you- she is she's a great kid

I don't think that the teacher would have asked this through malice.

It's the kind of thing that I have might have asked as a young teacher, before realising that it's often better to keep your mouth shut for fear of causing upset.

I once put my foot right in it. I'd moved to a school maybe 15 miles away from my previous post and one of my pupils was the spitting image of a slightly older pupil in my previous school: I asked whether she had a cousin at the other school.

I realised that I'd upset the pupil and I was never so stupid again.

I think the more important question is WHY this teacher asked this question. It's not relevant to her teaching role. It's pure nosiness, which when the child in question is 15yo is actually pretty sly.

I expect it was a perfectly innocent question and the teacher just thought SD reminded her of someone he/she knew. The teacher either didn’t know about the problems or forgot.

Fine to raise it with the school and ask them to make sure the teacher knows not to talk about it again, but not as a complaint.

But the point is they are related. You should explain the situation to the school as it seems to be an off limits subject for you SD. I agree she needs counselling.

Report this to the school and make it clear you don't want any of the teachers to discuss this.

Remibd the school that any queries about your SD's home life should be raised with you and your partner.

Basically I would nip this in the bud.

It might have been an innocent question from the new teacher or she might be a shit stirrer...better be safe and made it clear it ends now.

You appear to be encouraging your SD to think of her mother as an absolute monster whose very name rightly induces trauma.

If this is the case, I presume you have taken all possible steps to safeguard the other children who apparently remain in her care. (I assume we are talking sexual, emotional and or/physical abuse).

If it's NOT the case that SD's mom is basically a devil in human form, then what is being done to this poor girl, being encouraged to behave like this at the mention of her own mother's existence ....

It all sounds fucking awful, either way.

@justaboymummy I would check with school safeguarding lead and ensure that there is a note on her records that mum should not be mentioned to her. The details why can be access only for SLT, but all staff can be notified that mum must not be talked about to DSD.

If that note already exists then that teacher needs to be spoken to

I'm surprised so many people seem to think this was OK and just an innocent remark etc. I'm not a teacher but have been a Brownie and Guide leader and would never ask about a child's family situation and would only discuss it if they volunteered the information and wished to. We had children from blended households, children living with one parent and no sign of the other, or with GPs and no contact at all with parents, children in foster or adoptive homes etc. Sometimes there was information I was privy to that the child never mentioned, sometimes I'll be honest I wondered privately what the family set up was, but I would never ever casually ask a question like that of a child or teen, as it's too likely to cause distress to somebody, and is also simply none of my business unless they have brought it up. The only information that was my business with the younger children was who was permitted to collect them and give permission for activities etc.

I'm really staggered that so many people seem to think this question was fine and innocent and no big deal.

Can you ask dh to email the head of year to ask for an explanation? Very odd it sounds like the teacher may have a friendship of some kind with dsd mum.

I'd defo send an email to her head of year or whatever the name is.

As a teacher your told to be mindful of what you say and when and I guarantee she knows the back story or at least a bit of it if she knows the mum. She sounds like a sly bitch

However I say this as someone who went through all my schooling having this and it did cause problems so I'm probably biased as fuck! I still say bring it to the schools attention and remind them that she is sensitive about the subject. But obviously play nice.

Don't do this.

Your friendship and her job are two separate things.

You'll be putting her in an uncomfortable situation and as someone who worked in a school it's very annoying when parents try and use you in this way.

If you want to say something ring the school and do it the right way.

Yes, and if this teacher does know the mother socially, the fact that she has even asked this does rather raise concerns as to whether she can be trusted to be discreet about information she has about the SD and what/how she is doing at school etc.

I'm a teacher, and I can't think of any reason for a teacher to ask this child if she's related to someone (with an entirely different surname) that isn't nosiness or muck raking. Especially if she used to work with the mother. I think it's 99% certain that she knows the background story.

Don't go to your neighbour, do as a pp said and contact the safeguarding lead. Keep it professional.

There are loads of blended families like this and if you have an unusual surname or look similar to siblings in a small geographical location, then someone is going to ask this question at some point.
Teachers in UK schools are placed in an impossible position, particularly in secondary. They may be teaching hundreds of different students and can't memorise everyone's personal circumstances. At the same time the current mantra within schools is for teachers to try and take interest in pupils as individuals. So they are dammed if they do and dammed if they don't.
I find it interesting that DSD texted you to complain as it would suggest that rather than develop her own resilience and strategies to respond to this, she is expecting you to wade in and " punish" the teacher for what I think was an innocent enquiry.
If I were in your position I would not go in guns blazing quoting " safeguarding". I would have a talk with DSD about formulating a response to a question that is quite likely to come up again.
If you really think you need to speak to the teacher, get the school office to tell him to phone you. You don't have to go into details with the office about the reason for the call, and as important GCSEs approach surely it is better to try and keep relationships with your DSD' s teachers positive?

As a teacher OP, I can tell you that I think that teacher was totally out of order. Even if she wasn’t privy to the details of your DSD’s story, in knowing her mother she knew ‘enough’ not to ask. I would never ask personal questions of any child and if they (primary school age) volunteer personal/private information that I think are not necessarily other people’s business, I nod or smile professionally and move the subject on…
I also don’t think it’s fair for others to assume your DSD should have replied with “I’m happy to discuss this with you privately” - she is a child and was caught totally off guard by an adult in a position of authority who should have had her best interests at heart. Absolutely phone the school and ask to the speak to headmaster/headmistress about this.

I don’t think it’s appropriate anyway? whether the teacher knows the backstory or not?

if you dsd had asked ‘miss are you related to ….?’ Would the teacher answer or is it crossing a boundary? It’s nothing to do with the lesson and there’s no reason the teacher needs to know.

id speak to safeguarding

What was the context if they have a different name? How did the teacher know?

I doubt your step-daughter's background has been shared with every member of staff, who teaches your daughter. The fact the teacher has been teaching your daughter since the start of term, is irrelevant, it still doesn't mean she has any idea of your daughter's background.

The teacher asked a question. There was nothing wrong with the question. I doubt the teacher asked, to be malicious or to cause upset. Of course, the subject of her Mum, is a difficult subject for your step-daughter, and I can understand why she's upset. The teacher obviously wasn't aware of this or the background.

Speak to your step-daughter and come up with a strategy that will work, if a question like this were asked again. It might not be in school, it could be out in the local town etc. It's far better for your step-daughter to have a generic answer to hand.

You could speak to HOH and ask if an email could be sent to teaching staff, asking them to refrain from asking your daughter family related questions, specifically regarding her Mum.

I think in this day and age, the teacher should and probably does know better. Speak to the school.