AIBU to complain teacher asked about estranged mum in front of friends?

[justaboymummy]

AIBU to be a bit miffed that a Teacher at DSD School has openly asked her if she is related to XX (XX being my DSD mum whom she has no contact with).

Bit of a backstory, DSD (15) lives FT with DH, myself and our 2 DS's........ historically it was shared but DSD got to an age where she wouldn't be bullied and made her own choices.... there has been many up and downs since this too inc a short period where DSD went bk to mums FT (usual teenage stuff, didn't like us having rules and boundaries etc mums had no rules) short lived but unfortunately long enough to cause many scars for DSD and hugely affected her MH along with many other traumas from mum during her life which included her constant lies and endless attempts to destroy her relationship with DH and prevent contact...... even with a CO.

Anyway that's a teeny bit of back story.... DSD has been with us FT now for 2.5 years, she has no contact at all with her mum, see's her younger sister which we arrange with sisters dad and their older bro (not DH's son).
She moved schools to one more local to us and she has been so settled there and made some fantastic friends and is now in yr 10 and on with her GCSE's (she started in yr 8). This morning one of her regular teachers has approached her in class and with her friends around asked her if she is related to X this has really thrown DSD and she feels really uncomfortable. She has only shared details of her mum with her very close friends as she is very embarrassed due to the reputation mum has and the life she lives DSD tries to keep it very separate so for her to be asked openly in class and by a professional has come as a shock.

She has text me about it and I'm pretty taken back by it all. The whole thing when moving her schools etc was horrific and DSD was traumatised by the things she was put through she still has dreams now. School are well aware of all of this and have been great but for a teacher to outright say "are you related to X" she has then gone on to say that DSD has a look of her which has really got DSD shackles up.

Do you think we should speak to School?

I completely disagree. What information do you have to suggest that?
I live in a small town and teachers ask my son if he’s related to “so and so” or if “welshpolarbearsdh” is his Dad. It’s just what happens when you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone.

So she doesn’t share the same surname as her mum and lives in another town, yet the teacher made a connection on a vague ‘has the look of’.

Seems unlikely to me, and given the history, also a bit odd. I’d definitely be raising it.

If you’re saying she’s a prostitute are you worried/should you be worried the teacher’s husband has made use of her services and she is trying to dig for info?

you’re not being clear with what the conversation actually was. Like are you related to… your mum? Or is the mum like a page 3 porn star type level local celebrity who everyone knows in that area?

Well if she is I think this post should come down - because this thread is visible to a lot of people and has the potential to be crossed over to other social media platforms

If the OP really wants to protect her step daughters privacy maybe hinting at what the mum does from home isn't the best idea

I'd contact the head of year as that's the usual first port of call for pastoral responsibilities and ask that your email is shared with the safeguarding lead at the school. Don't frame it as a complaint but as a safeguarding concern and that you are seeking reassurance as a parent.

It's not as important that the teacher "gets a flea in her ear" as she needs a professional conversation about the reasons that her comment have a bigger impact so she can learn from it.

We live in a small town and have the same surname as many family members who have had a very different school experience than my sons. I understand that your SD doesn't have the same surname but that sometimes staff know or learn of a connection that they weren't aware of and especially in a high school with more staff and pupils, there's every chance this particular teacher didn't know the full extent of the history between your SD's mother and her.

Both these things can be true: your SD was worried and upset AND the teacher was naive and ignorant of the impact of her words.

School as a whole need to know so they can look at their safeguarding policy and internal communications as you're right, this shouldn't have happened.

Yep. There was absolutely nothing there that would warrant asking SDD if they were related. I'm generally the last to jump to conclusions, but I'd be 99% certain that the teacher knew the backstory. And if she did, that question was inexcusable.

TBH I would be concerned that SD's mum is pumping her contacts for information.

You said that you didn't think that the rank-and-file teaching staff were even aware of the background so it might not have occurred to her that there was a potential safeguarding issue.

it should be a safe space for her so definitely contact them, you are not making too much of it

As someone with a complicated family history, I don’t think it does DSD any favours to pretend that someone who does exist, doesn’t exist. It just internalises lots of issues. Giving your DSD a safe place to express her upset and confusion is lots better than pretending her Mum isn’t in this world. Having talked through a plan if she saw her etc.. that she may have feelings about seeing her mothers likeness in her looks is a better way forward.

This sounds like no big deal to me.

Is there a court order in place or anything legal preventing the mother knowing about her daughter? You say the safeguarding lead is aware but may not have shared this with other staff. Maybe you need a conversation with the safeguarding lead about the teacher and whether all staff need to know that details are not to be shared. However this often requires the school to have something in writing stating this and if it's only an agreement then it becomes difficult to enforce.

I am estranged from my family. It is common to come with lots of complex feelings including shame. I would absolutely want a meeting with the school about this and I would expect the teacher involved, and others, to have some type of training on the trauma associated with estrangement.

Does she strikingly look like her mum? If she doesn’t, and doesn’t have the same surname, how on earth would the teacher randomly make the connection?

Agree. They need to know this. They may also want to consider switching her to a different English class. It's likely teacher meant nothing by it but it's unsurprisingly affected your DSD and school would rather know now that have her skipping classes or school over this.

I would raise it as safeguarding with school. Sounds like her mum is trying to use the teacher to get info? No harm in flagging to school and explaining court order in place and no info to be passed on and it made her very uncomfortable. I hope she is ok. How did she respond?

Do you feel like the teacher has some connection to the mum and is doing some inappropriate digging?

If so I'd definitely have a word with the school.

Sometimes you just feel that something is off and you write as it you feel that way here.

Yes, speak to the school, but bear in mind that the teacher might not have known, or had forgotten, that she was not to mention the mother. Teachers are expected to know so much about the (many) students they teach. This includes allergies, sensory problems, preferred friends, necessary separations from other students, exam concessions for disabilities (which are varied and plentiful), medical conditions, preferred pronouns (which can change like the weather), medications for conditions and whether students need to leave class to take it, whether students genuinely have a music lesson at a certain time, which students could be triggered by mentions of domestic violence, sexual assault, divorce, death, grief, sickness... it's difficult to spin all these plates.

I'm a teacher, though, and I'd be pissed off if the pastoral system hadn't passed along information this important, so if that's where the procedure has failed then they should know.

Putting the teacher asked but aside, if your daughter does look like bio mum and you live in a fairly small place where everyone knows one and other, this will happen a lot.
I look a lot like my mum when she was younger and when I started my first job at 16, id have people around my mums age asking if she was indeed my mum. So moving forward it'd be an idea to have that discussion with your daughter so she is prepared for that in the future.

What if she just knew her by name but not anything about her.

It was insensitive but not really going to warrant much than a quiet convo.
it might be worth booking a meeting and having a chat with how best to support your sdaughter with the trauma so there is a plan? As this sounds like ptsd. All the teachers need to be on the same page.

But, @catipuss, that would make that teacher's question even worse!.
No teacher, or any sort of professional person who works with children, should ever make a casual - personal - comment to a child, whether it was a genuine mistake or not.

I am so angry on the behalf of the OP's DSD, and on behalf of @justaboymummy herself. I am also very disappointed with all the teacher apologists reading the OP's thread, and yet still coming up with some inane and pathetic excuses as a reason why the teacher 'should not have' made such a serious error of judgement...

It should very much be as a complaint @Mwwoman! The teacher's question was so crass - and in so many ways - that it would be fair if the OD complained straight to the teacher, and in front of everyone at pick up time.

However, I believe that @justaboymummy has more dignity, and far more importantly, the desire for the very best outcome for her DSD, so she wouldn't actually allow anyone (if she had the power to stop them) approch the said teacher in public, about such a personal and sensitive matter.

You have no idea about anything.
No one but my SD mother is to blame & no encouragement AT ALL from us how dare you make assumptions like that. Clearly a MN step parent hater…… some of us are the constant in childrens lives & take on children who are not our own but love them the same and nurture, care & protect them at all costs.

As I have previously said my SD text ME as she felt uncomfortable about it at no point has her “mother” actually really been discussed unless at her request we simply do not speak about her and ensure SD feel safe and secure to openly talk should you want to. We have lived 12 years of being the ones who’s were slagged off to her by the other parent and see first hand and have had to pick up the pieces of the damage that does to a child. As you are so interested yes safeguarding measures have been taken to protect her younger sister in mums care & she is still on SS radar unfortunately she is a manipulator & succeeds until her children reach an age that they manage to think and work it out for themselves. I think the fact she has multiple children and only one still in her life speaks for itself.

actually amazed at the comment i have read from you.

I am not sure whether I have missed it, but from what I have read only the safeguarding lead is aware of the family issues. The OP said she didn't know if the information had been shared with all staff.
Also unless there is a legal document (court order) schools cannot prevent a parent with parental responsibility accessing information if they wished to do so. Yes that wasn't the case here, but given the OP wasn't there to hear the context it could be that the teacher genuinely wasn't aware of the no contact with the mum and didn't realise.
I used to work in a secondary school. Each year a document was sent out to teachers concerned with a list of students who had court orders in place stating no access for mum/dad and what to do if that parent called. In some instances (possibly like this one) if there is no court order it might be that the information would say no contact with mum (court order pending). If mum contacts the school please direct the call to safeguarding lead and not class teachers. If mum turns up at the school do not let Rosie leave the classroom she is in, safeguarding lead to meet mum.

Thank you. I am ringing School shortly, DSD mentioned it again after School yesterday and it has made her feel "weird" she said she can't get her head around it and why she would be asked that in School she said she knows ppl know she's her daughter so expects it to some degree when she's out socially but she said in School it was weird.
I've very conscious she is now in her final years of School and when at her mums for the few short months in yr 7 she didn't attend School at all, she isn't hugely academic so this period of time has caused her some issues with catching up. Like I say we have got her in a really good place and it hasn't been easy to navigate at all but we have managed it and much of that was from the new School making her feel so welcome and supported so I don't want to rock that boat certainly not at such an important academic time. I also don't want to get the Teacher in bother as I fully get that it could be so innocent so a call in just to remind them of the family situation and that she doesn't want to discuss etc in School. She does talk and very openly but we don't push her we know her and she will talk when she is ready.