AIBU to complain teacher asked about estranged mum in front of friends?

[justaboymummy]

AIBU to be a bit miffed that a Teacher at DSD School has openly asked her if she is related to XX (XX being my DSD mum whom she has no contact with).

Bit of a backstory, DSD (15) lives FT with DH, myself and our 2 DS's........ historically it was shared but DSD got to an age where she wouldn't be bullied and made her own choices.... there has been many up and downs since this too inc a short period where DSD went bk to mums FT (usual teenage stuff, didn't like us having rules and boundaries etc mums had no rules) short lived but unfortunately long enough to cause many scars for DSD and hugely affected her MH along with many other traumas from mum during her life which included her constant lies and endless attempts to destroy her relationship with DH and prevent contact...... even with a CO.

Anyway that's a teeny bit of back story.... DSD has been with us FT now for 2.5 years, she has no contact at all with her mum, see's her younger sister which we arrange with sisters dad and their older bro (not DH's son).
She moved schools to one more local to us and she has been so settled there and made some fantastic friends and is now in yr 10 and on with her GCSE's (she started in yr 8). This morning one of her regular teachers has approached her in class and with her friends around asked her if she is related to X this has really thrown DSD and she feels really uncomfortable. She has only shared details of her mum with her very close friends as she is very embarrassed due to the reputation mum has and the life she lives DSD tries to keep it very separate so for her to be asked openly in class and by a professional has come as a shock.

She has text me about it and I'm pretty taken back by it all. The whole thing when moving her schools etc was horrific and DSD was traumatised by the things she was put through she still has dreams now. School are well aware of all of this and have been great but for a teacher to outright say "are you related to X" she has then gone on to say that DSD has a look of her which has really got DSD shackles up.

Do you think we should speak to School?

Why is "mother" in inverted commas? She might be an appalling care-giver and a dreadful human being, but she is still your SD's mother, the woman who gave birth to her, and always will be. This in no way diminishes your role in your SD's life: it is just a fact, and it strikes me as worrying that you seem to want to deny it.

OP when I initially read your post I thought you might be overreacting but to ask this question of a child like this in front of peers does sound at best sloppy and unprofessional and at worst a potential safeguarding risk. I don’t know what the rules are and I know people all know each other in small towns but it does seem odd.

I do think you should speak to safeguarding, belt and braces, if only to give your DSD peace of mind and to make sure that its on the school’s radar.

Great that you are such a great advocate for your DSD.

If you believe that giving birth to a child is all that qualifies as a mother then that is worrying.

Your response, presumably indicative of the way you speak to your SD about her mother, confirms how worrying your attitude is.

You may be the world’s best stepmother and a wonderful person. Your SD may be very lucky to have you in her life, doing the "mothering" she has not received elsewhere. The other woman may be a neglectful mother, an abusive mother, a violent mother, an appalling mother - but she gave birth to your SD and is still her mother ("birth mother" if you prefer) and nothing you say or do can ever change that fact, and you shouldn’t try to manipulate language to pretend otherwise.

OK! At no point has anyone least of all myself ever said otherwise well except for you! My DSD has been reminded of this more times than I care to remember and it has resulted in her full on meltdowns over it and her request for us to refer to "mother" by her actual name, we now refrain from either referring to her as mum or her name and on the occasions DSD does speak about her we can navigate around it without naming her either way and by avoiding any derogatory names also. It's not ideal but tbh her name or how she is referred to is irrelevant or concern is our DC and we are here to protect her above all else and ensure she feels secure, loved and safe.

As a "mother" myself I have no respect for her as a "mother" and never will and my reasons for this are more than justifiable. Does my DSD know this? Probably, but not through being told this but because she isn't stupid and she is switched on and knows how to treat people and what treatment doesn't gain respect.

Worth pre-scripting responses with your step daughter for the next time this happens (not necessarily in school but I can see it happening again). 'We're estranged' 'We're related but I don't know her' 'Haven't been in touch with her for years'. '$Teacher knows about it, but it's too hard for me to talk about'

It's hard in secondary schools for all the staff who teach a child to be kept up to date on the things they should know about them (leaving aside info a child doesn't want shared widely). When you speak to the school it's worth going through what they can realistically do - can they get a note to all of her teachers? How much info does she want her teachers to have?

I would speak to the school. Its not appropriate or trauma informed and it should be, but you need to share the backstory if school are unaware

What?

why did the teacher even think it appropriate to ask, let alone in front of other people??

Nor do they need to. Just don't ask prying questions, particularly I front if others.

Hardly difficult!

You still haven't answered my questions about whether there is anything legally to stop the mum accessing information. As I have previously stated, that if the mum did want to make contact via the school she could obtain information unless there is a court order blocking her.

Yes go and have a conversation with the school. I don’t know why that is relevant to anyone and why would a teacher ask that. Weird.

As a teacher I'm afraid I have worked with some immature teachers who seem to have no emotional intelligence. I suppose that is the case in all walks of life.
For a teacher, though, relating to children of any age, inappropriate comments have repercussions.

As others have said, this does need to be taken up with the school.
For the staff training days, issues like this should be discussed, for the benefit of the youngsters who spend many hours in school with teachers as the adult throughout the day.

I wonder what makes you think this comment is even slightly appropriate.

Definitely don't complain the teacher has done nothing wrong

why cant she say yes but we are no contact , ? Or “ no “i if she doesn’t want to get into it

she no doubt has been asked by friends and will be asked in the future by friends etc

she needs to have a couple of responses ready for social situation where people adk about your family

“ dear head of year , as you know x x has had a traumatic few years and us currently non contact with her mother , she would prefer not to be asked about it it , many thanks “

they can refer her to counselling

Please don't take to heart any of the hurtful posts.

i think talking to the Assistant Head over the weekend is probably the best way forward.

Teacher needs a flea in her ear, it was an unnecessary & intrusive question & to ask it in front of others was awful.

im glad your SD has you 'mothering' her.

🌷

its something i ask all the time usually to do with siblings who look alike but for all know i could inadvertently say it to a child who has trauma connected to a sibling

I doubt the teacher meant anything. I felt terrible when I asked a child if they were related to a boy I’d taught 20 years ago as he looked so similar. He said it was his uncle but they didn’t see or speak to him. I later found out he was a convicted child rapist, obviously I would never have asked had I known. The uncle was a lovely boy when in school and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind he’d do such a vile crime as an adult.

Don't speak dept head at the weekend , they are entitled to work life balance, a break , its quite a boundary crossed

send an email , the fact you are a neighbour they should take extra care on monday

I disagree, she knows her as a neighbour, it's not like she's gone hunting her down to speak to the 'Dept Head' at the weekend.

Thanks for the replies I appreciate the advice given. After speaking further with DSD at home she did feel uncomfortable and wanted us to mention it to School. With that in mind I spoke with the safeguard lead yesterday made it clear we have no issue with the Teacher & SD gets on well with her etc but this comment threw her & explained the reasons (mainly mums comments about spies etc) she is again fully aware of the situation with mum and has said that DSD has indeed told her directly all of this previously. She is going to organise a staff training session on matters and situations such as this.
For clarity there is no court order stating no contact this is DSD choice & she is well aware should she want contact we would never stop her (within reason & risk assessed). SS have supported DSD in this. Under mums care & just after she did have a child in need notice this has now been removed on SS approval & following full review etc with both her previous school & this one involved.

This is really unprofessional of the teacher.

How would she? If I came across the child of someone I went to school with, say, I might ask if they were related. I wouldn’t have a clue about the status of their relationship. I literally asked a young new start at my work last week if she was related to someone I knew because they shared an unusual surname. My daughter’s maths teacher asked if she was related to my brother in law as he’d taught him many years previously. This is normal conversation. It is better to teach the girl involved how to handle such things rather than get angry when someone with no knowledge of the situation innocently asks a question.

I think teachers would answer the question? If said politely. I discovered that a teacher at my kids’ school was the daughter of one of my clients and so my daughter said to her that I knew her Dad. Isn’t that just how normal interactions go? There’s nothing wrong with that.

Wow. That’s some leap. Where does she give any indication of that or of any nastiness?!

In 99% of cases the answer will either be “no I’m not related to that person” or “yes that’s my mum, auntie, cousin” etc. So such a question would just be normal conversation and the teacher saying “oh great I worked with her 10 years ago when I was a student, tell her I’m asking after her’. They are normal people that interact like normal people. Every word uttered doesn’t have to be about their subject. Occasionally there may be an issue like the one here but that should just be handled sensitively with no drama or gagging teachers from interacting with pupils and building rapport for fear of making a minor faux pas.