AIBU to complain teacher asked about estranged mum in front of friends?

[justaboymummy]

AIBU to be a bit miffed that a Teacher at DSD School has openly asked her if she is related to XX (XX being my DSD mum whom she has no contact with).

Bit of a backstory, DSD (15) lives FT with DH, myself and our 2 DS's........ historically it was shared but DSD got to an age where she wouldn't be bullied and made her own choices.... there has been many up and downs since this too inc a short period where DSD went bk to mums FT (usual teenage stuff, didn't like us having rules and boundaries etc mums had no rules) short lived but unfortunately long enough to cause many scars for DSD and hugely affected her MH along with many other traumas from mum during her life which included her constant lies and endless attempts to destroy her relationship with DH and prevent contact...... even with a CO.

Anyway that's a teeny bit of back story.... DSD has been with us FT now for 2.5 years, she has no contact at all with her mum, see's her younger sister which we arrange with sisters dad and their older bro (not DH's son).
She moved schools to one more local to us and she has been so settled there and made some fantastic friends and is now in yr 10 and on with her GCSE's (she started in yr 8). This morning one of her regular teachers has approached her in class and with her friends around asked her if she is related to X this has really thrown DSD and she feels really uncomfortable. She has only shared details of her mum with her very close friends as she is very embarrassed due to the reputation mum has and the life she lives DSD tries to keep it very separate so for her to be asked openly in class and by a professional has come as a shock.

She has text me about it and I'm pretty taken back by it all. The whole thing when moving her schools etc was horrific and DSD was traumatised by the things she was put through she still has dreams now. School are well aware of all of this and have been great but for a teacher to outright say "are you related to X" she has then gone on to say that DSD has a look of her which has really got DSD shackles up.

Do you think we should speak to School?

I'm glad to see that the school is taking it seriously. Highly likely it was an honest mistake, but one that could set back your DSD quite a bit.

If she used to work with the mother it must be some time ago given the mother isn’t a teacher (student job?) and so how on earth is it 99% certain she’d know what sounds like pretty recent history of the relationship?

Did you read a different post to everyone else?! That is some leap!

If that was the case there would be zero reason to ask the girl if she was related to the mum as the mum would already have told her?

That's good they are going to send out a message/give training with guidance to staff. Do remember though that this will only be guidance e.g. Rosie's background is she lives with dad and step mum. Previously under a child in need order which was removed in 2024. No contact with mum and it is requested mum is not mentioned unless Rosie initiates this. No court order in place but information only to be given to dad/stepmum and safeguarding lead to be notified if mum contacts the school.

You are saying you wouldn't block access but as I said without the court order mum could still request that she is given a copy of all details regarding her daughter too (e.g. any letters the school sends out, school reports, attendance data etc). You might need to consider this if DSD is worried about spies and explain to her how her mum could access details if she wanted as she does have parental responsibility.

this I think. Better for you to keep it calm and formal. You can be neutral about it (say something like " I don't think it was in any way malicious") but at the same time make clear that this could have been immensely damaging. I get that people may not be able to keep all that kind of issue in their heads, but that's why you DO NOT ASK such questions.

I think you underreacted to be honest - you should have been straight to the school. I've read all your posts and I would follow up after the staff training they claim will happen to ensure it took place.

I'd also personally want a meeting with the teacher in question and a safeguarding lead or SLT staff member present to reiterate the severity and inappropriate question.

Teachers do sometimes make chitchat with pupils, we don’t just walk in and robotically teach a lesson and then leave having talked about the curriculum only. Also, we are allowed to ask them things about their life outside the classroom if we want to. It’s really important that teachers have a warm relationship with pupils in their class- for safeguarding if nothing else.

Seems like this teacher put her foot in it a bit. But also, your SD IS related to her mother and people might sometimes ask her this. I very much doubt it is gossiping, muck-raking or spite. Mumsnet is so wild for teacher-bashing and ascribing huge amounts of malice to professionals just doing normal things.

I noticed this too. My post was not at all meant to bash teachers in anyway & i made it clear to school that SD has a good relationship with the teacher. I don’t think there was any spite etc & that it was innocent i just want teacher to be aware of the situation for her sake too as i wouldn’t want dsd to have a meltdown ib her class etc. iv every confidence in the school dealing appropriately

Most sensible comment on this entire thread.

My daughter gets asked often if I am her mother as I have some connections to the staff at her current school and we look very alike. Not completely the same but it could be innocent.

If it has upset her I would mention it to her guidance teacher/year head but I wouldn't complain as such unless you think it was malicious.

Reading OP's posts about her DSD mother, the chances of this woman doing charity work or being a parish councillor are none existent.

It’s an unfortunate situation but the teacher hasn’t really done anything wrong. It could
just as easily been at a shop where someone asked her in front of friends. I’d assume teacher wasn’t aware of any issues.

however, since there is an issue it is reasonable to call and speak to the teacher. They’ll probably be horrified they’ve caused upset and offer to apologise privately.

id then ask the safeguarding lead to flag this to all staff and ask them not to speak to her about her past/ family.

Could her mother have approached the school asking for information about your sd, and they are trying to ascertain who she is to log it in their safeguarding system

Teachers and ancillary staff are given lots of training regarding vulnerable students. If this teacher has been teaching you DSD then she really should be fully aware of DSD'S background and triggers. It really is something you should mention to the school.

I think that your comment is too radical, but if the teacher knows her she is probably aware of what kind of personal she is and maybe it wasnt such an inocente mistake.

OP should definitely speak to the school.

Havent RTFT, only your posts OP so unsure if anyone else made the obvious link but if her mum is a hairdresser, it may well be that she simply cut the teacher’s hair. You know how the small talk generally goes at the hairdressers.
”What do you do for a living?”
”I’m an English teacher”
”Oh nice! Which school?”
”x high school”
”No way! My daughter goes there- do you know here? She’s called x”

Simple as that to be honest. Occam’s razor. Teachers generally have no idea about their student’s personal details unless they absolutely need to know.

Ok, but maybe the teacher used to be a hairdresser, or worked through college.

It does sound like a bit of something and nothing, it’s not as if the teacher said “oh are you the estranged daughter of x”. If she bears a resemblance I can see it being conversational. But, if it bothered the girl, a quick chat with the school to remind them of the issues for the future is the right thing to do. The teacher herself didn’t do anything wrong.