AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

Then maybe she should earn enough to pay for it?

If you want more money, consider retraining, doing more hours. Could you train for a full-time career that makes more money? It would make a much bigger difference than taking away some kids’ Saturday caf lunch

I would do the exact same thing in your DH's shoes. His daughter lost her mum young and is a single parent. If he can help her out, that's a lovely thing to do.

Why can't you work more than 3 days a week if you want to increase your quality of life? At the minute, you're asking him to put supporting you ahead of making his daughter and grandchildren's lives easier.

I think that what he is spending money on makes him a really good dad. His daughter is in a tough situation - mum dead, 2 very small kids, their dad gone. Parenting is for life, not just until 18. My mum felt responsible for me up until the day she died and would have done anything to help me. She died nearly 80 when I was nearly 50 and she was a devoted parent right up until the end. Obviously it was me helping her, and had been for a long time. Not the other way around. But the sense of responsibility never ends for many people.

would you have liked for someone to have paid for something like that you & kids?

Also did his wife have any life insurance or a pension? Does some of this money come from that?

OP respectfully your SD is a lone parent with no Mum. She has a Dad that is trying his best. Sounds like you want him to spend less on his blood family which clearly makes him happy and spend it instead on you. You work 3 days a week. Is there any reason you can’t maximise your earning capacity? Sounds like he’s a good guy subsidising you too. +SD hosts Christmas/Easter and takes you both out for a treat around your birthdays. Everyone else seems happy so this one reads like a you problem.

J8then maybe he husband would think of more things to do with the kids. What's wrong with a husband and wife ( with no young children) taking a holiday by themselves

Also, despite losing her mum at 17, she got into a top uni (presumably only a year later) and got a degree.

And now hosts Xmas and Easter at her home for her dad and his new partner, and takes them both out for their birthdays, despite being a lone, working mum to two young kids at only 26.

She sounds incredibly resilient, hard-working, mature and kind.

They sound a lovely, close family.

Nothing wrong with it except the person wanting it doesn't want to pay for it.

So, at a rough estimate, he's spending about £6k a year on his daughter? It doesn't seem excessive until you compare it to your net salary. It could be close to two months take home pay a year?

I think this is a hard one. I’m probably the same age as you, my husband and I have grandchildren (together). I do think the older you get, the more you worry about finances etc. equally I do think you become very nostalgic too…I imagine your husband is loving being a grandad and bringing back his daughter being little in a way. Whilst I agree with some responses that the daughter really shouldn’t be accepting all these things at her age, I think your husband is giving very lovingly and very willingly. It’s a wonderful thing to give to your adult kids and grandchildren, if you can’t afford it.

the difference is, your husband thinks he can afford it, you don’t. Have you spoken to your husband about it? Have you broken down the costs of what it’s actually costing you, compared to your wage?

My first impression that really the only thing I think could realistically go, is the swimming lessons.Not because they’re not needed, but if the daughter has chosen a lesser paid job in hours , then she could take them swimming herself. The only other thing I thought was maybe all the aunts and cousins etc in Spain could host them for 5 days, rather than paying for an Air BnB, that ways it’s only the flights to pay for.

I was going to suggest that it would be nice for her to host her dad on a Saturday, rather than going out for lunch. That way it would be a thank you for all he pays for. But I did see that she hosts you on Christmas, Easter etc and takes you on birthdays etc.

Tbh you sound a close family and that’s something that some families dream of. As I’ve said your husband feels he’s doing his bit and he’s obviously a great dad and grandad. Equally in some respects, that shouldn’t have a monetary value. My husband and I have paid nursery fees in the past to help out, we have given generously for lots of things for our kids and grandkids …but equally that can’t last forever. Not only because we don’t have the money, but equally we do feel our adult children are just that, they’re adults….with their own decisions and their own lives. We’ve felt able to help out…but equally their lives and their decisions are not something we’re going to pay for forever. How do they ever move on or want to get better jobs/better lives/have motivation if we continually pay for adult children? (Married or not, kids or not)

So where do you go from here? I realise your situation is a bit different in that it’s not your daughter and you’ve only been together a few years. Does your husband rely on your wage to do all these things or can he afford it on his own? Would it be better to keep your wages for “couple things”? Are you able to work more hours? I’ve retired early but wouldn’t hesitate to go back to work if we needed the money. I wouldn’t want to 🤪 but if needs must, then absolutely. Our money has gone right down since I retired, I often think I’ll go and do supply (retired teacher) if I want a new kitchen floor/replace the back door/want a holiday…because equally nothing lands in our lap, if we want things, we have to earn them.

I know you’ll say but the daughter isn’t doing that and sure there is an element of well why should you work more? I guess because it’s time you want with your husband. I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem that your husband wants that or that he’s not going to give up paying for his daughter, to enable that. Are you on benefits, does working more hours affect those?

its such a hard one for you and your husband. I imagine your his feels a little in the middle as you all want a bit of him.

"And personally I think swimming lessons are a scam - just take them swimming on the holidays instead."

Oh yeh, swimming lessons are definitely a scam 🙄 Just take them swimming on the holidays and watch while they drown.

My parents often pay for a big villa or house for everyone for the summer which is fabulous. They don’t pay for 2 other holidays a year for me as well though. Can the October holiday for you be held in term time (as it’s cheaper) then they won’t be able to go as they’ll be at school?

I would carry on with the whole family caravan holiday maybe but wouldn’t be paying for them to go on a Spanish holiday that we weren’t going on.

We never did swimming lessons for ours, but took them swimming ourselves instead-much cheaper and they learnt very quickly.

If it’s his money that’s being spent, then fair do’s he sounds a lovely grandad just wanting the best for his daughter and grandkids

What an awful thing to say. The OP never produced children. She said she loves her step daughter, also her children who call her Grandma. They are very much her family.

I think honestly if you want more holidays and you only work part time you up your hours.

He sounds like a lovely dad and grandpa.

I can see why you might be resentful. You've walked into a relationship where there is another adult that you've had no involvement with bringing up. However I get the impression that you've just sat in the background and not really discussed it properly. If you weren't together then DH would have less money to spend on these things so your income does help subsidise this so it needs to be a joint discussion. I'd lay out all your outgoings and see what is left each month. Tell him and I mean tell him what you would like to do together. For example I'd like a UK beach holiday this coming June it would likely cost x amount. We don't have the disposable income to be able to do that. What do we need to do to get that, do we need to increase my hours? Do we need to stop swimming lessons (even if just temporarily) or have Saturday lunch at ours for the next three months. Don't sit there and stew, lay it out exactly as you want it. I don't think he necessarily needs to stop doing those things for his daughter but it needs to not be at the detriment of your relationship and the things you want to do together.

"Supporting adult daughter"

Well your DH is actually supporting

His daughter
His grand children
The cousins/family in Spain/wider family
Himself (being useful as a provider/farher/grandfather) stepping up for his deceased ex wife & useless father of the children)

He sounds like a lovely, family man

I agree, if you want more money, work more

’Swimming lessons are a scam’?!?
How so? Because we’ve all been told a dreadful lie and actually water is perfectly safe????
Swimming is a skill and like all skills it takes practice and instruction. Learning to swim might not necessarily be a vital skill (until you find yourself needing it!) but it is a wonderful skill to have. Just like many things in life it is a skill you can choose whether you want to learn or not. But choosing to pay a professional to teach you how to do it, and to benefit from their expertise is good sense not ‘falling for a scam’.
Do you also think education is a scam?

Do you ever go away on holiday just the two of you?

And the person who would be paying for it doesn’t appear to be particularly bothered about it.

My dad taught me to swim. I taught my kids. No one has drowned

I’m not sure the finances are the problem, I think it’s time that’s actually the issue. Finances are being used as the reason/excuse you’re not spending time together, which is why they’ve become the focus.

Most of his spending is absolutely reasonable. As PP point out, it’s actually his money, as he has a lot more disposable income than you. Why would you be entitled to it more than his DD and DGCs?

Although if your 3 day working week means you’re taking on the lions share of running the household (which let’s face it is a likely scenario given you’re the woman…), then that does change things. I would actually readjust then and say that you arguably potentially have a right to part of that extra income.

The one thing that seems excessive is taking them on the AI holiday. That’s both costing a lot, and taking up the time you could holiday together. I’d have a discussion about cutting that back (go for less time or less luxurious) to facilitate another break just the two of you.

You need to work FT!