AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

I think what he is doing for his daughter sounds nice if he can afford it but a problem if he can't.

I was going to suggest that you separate your finances and pay half the bills each and then he can pay for his daughter and her family on trips and your money is unaffected. However I have seen that he earns twice what you do so you probably won't have more money if you separate your finances - although that is an option if you want more control.

A meal at home instead of eating out each week sounds a good compromise. Then I think if you want more money you'll have to work more days/get a second job. The cost of everything is rising so you will need more money to simply maintain the same lifestyle.

You married a man with a child. He now has grandchildren. He wants to do things with them and it's his money to spend on them. That's the way it is.

He sounds like a lovely family man. We have grandkids and we'd do anything for them. Love spending time with them and take them out/on holiday whenever the opportunity arises. It's one of the real joys in our life to be honest and from what you say your DH thinks similarly.

At the risk of pointing out the obvious. If you're tight on money why only working 3 days?

Personally I think its too much. Specially as you are tight on money and dont go away together.

You essentially pay for her to go on 3 holidays a year, lunch every week and her kids swimming lessons.

Id cut one of the holidays, probably the spain one or pay for that one and uninvite her to the oct one so you and your DH get a break together.

Id also try to do it so that lunch out was every other week and they come to yours for lunch the other weeks so cut that down by half.

Get another job.

Except the OP isn't the one paying for it because her husband brings in twice the income she does.

Same. DD did swimming lessons for a whole year and still couldn't swim. Her Dad's been taking her weekly for 7 weeks and she can currently swim one width of the pool.

So? Its joint money and they are married. She gets as much say over the joint account as he does.

I'd be getting a full time job and keeping the extra money for myself so I could do things that I didn't want to do! I can't imagine only going on holiday with DH's family, as much as I like them I'd want a holiday without them!

What a lovely father / grandfather ! I rather think there are some on Mumsnet that wish their fathers were like this.

I cannot believe you are complaining about the lack of a 3rd holiday when you only work part time !
and in a lower paid job than your husband !!!

When you increase to 5 days a week then you will be able to afford this 3rd holiday that you want as you will be able to pay for it !

Same. My in laws are ok but no way would I want to spend every holiday with them or my step daughter.

All the things he is paying for sound wonderful.

Most of the things he is paying for are family activities. So shared experiences.

Of the other things - swimming lessons and the Spain trip - I think they too are rather wonderful. Swimming lessons are a great thing for the grandchildren to have and the Spanish trip is a great way to keep a connection to her mother’s roots and family that she might otherwise lose.
Is there perhaps some resentment in this last? That you feel pushed out by this connection your husband and his daughter try to retain? I think it’s a vital one. Sadly when you marry someone who lost a partner/ child lost a parent, you have to deal with living alongside that memory. And a memory of someone that remains good (can’t be tainted by future actions). It’s hard. But talking helps, and so too does understanding and accepting that this person will remain a vital part of their lives. You can’t compete with the dead you can only learn that it isn’t really a competition. And, as you say, you are treated as Grandma.

Some great suggestions here - cooking lunch instead of going out.

I would look less at what he can stop paying for and more at what you can do to create time just to yourselves. Is there, for instance, a reason you only work 3 days a week? Working a full week would give you a lot more money to use for other things.

Also, things will change over time. Your step daughter will earn more and have more opportunities to earn once the children are at full time school. But, it must be so hard for her. Lost a mother and a single mum herself.

I would seriously look at your working full time if there’s no reason you’re not (caring duties etc), as it’s going to drive a real wedge if you start demanding your husband withdraws his support for his daughter and grandchildren to give you better holidays and all the while he’s supporting you financially to have four day weekends.

But it's ok for the daughter to have 3 holidays and pay for none of them?

You have two holidays a year and have made your family sure identifiable.

You aren't "supporting" her, you are giving her luxuries.

So, yes, I think it is excessive.

My parents couldnt afford holidays, so we stayed home. That was my normal.

You aren't "supporting" her, you are giving her luxuries.

Her dad is. How many holidays could OP afford on an income of £1200 a month?

If her dad wants to and can more than afford to then sure.

Dad’s still getting the two holidays he clearly wants as well. If he wanted one alone with op I’m sure he would find away to pay for it.

It’s just op who’s left wanting more which she could if she upped her hours.

Maybe that’s the issue. Maybe the husband doesn’t want to holiday alone with op.

Yet the daughter is getting 3 paid for holidays a year and paying for none of it! Maybe he should be thinking about what his wife needs and not just his daughter.

@Loisy have you ever holidayed alone with your husband bar the honeymoon?

Always the same old story. New wife appears 6 years ago. Daughter is 26. That's 20 years he's been, by what you've said, a good father, before you got together. If he enjoys treating his daughter and grandchildren, good for him. She's working, she's raising kids on her own and her money probably doesn't stretch far either. Surely you would have found out about the holidays to Spain early on in your relationship? So if it bothered you then, why continue the relationship? When you meet a man, who already has children, no matter what age they are, it is up to you to understand that he has loyalties and priorities already, prior to you. If you don't want to accept that, you don't need to. Move on. Find someone else. It's like the new wives who moan about their poor hubby having to pay maintenance for all the lives he has created before meeting them. But they don't hesitate to create more lives with him, adding to the financial responsibility. - poor me, my husband has to pay for all these children he fathered and there's no money left for me and all the children we've created together.. so don't be with a man who already has children then? We only have one car... So buy your own? What did you bring to the relationship when you entered it? Were you not already an established adult? With a job, a house, a car? Where's your stuff? How, after only 6 years is this mans daughter to blame for your personal financial worries?

I actually cannot believe what I am hearing and how little real wealth is valued on here. Wealth, as in time spent with family, maintaining connections, keeping traditions alive, making memories.

OP’s DH’ daughter lost her mother at 17. She was just a child. Since then she has gone on to become by all accounts a great mum, and lovely, educated human being. She is a single mum with 2 kids. Her dad is doing everything he can to be a supportive, caring dad and grandpa which surely should be lauded? I’m sure that was a big part of why OP was attracted to him in the first place.

The daughter’s trips to Spain are hardly beach holidays getting drunk at the pool! They are her only remaining connection to her mum and her Spanish heritage. OP’s DH loved his times there with his daughter and he wants his grandchildren to have the same experience. And why shouldn’t they? Clearly, as a single mum, she would not be able to afford these trips every year on her own. I cannot understand why you would begrudge her and the kids that (and OP says she loves those kids!.)

honestly, where is the joy? The generosity of spirit? If it really bothers you that much, OP should separate finances but I do wonder what OP’s DH (who sounds lovely) would feel if he knew OP’s real thoughts on this.

It sounds like it’s important to him. She also treats and hosts you. She and the children are building a great relationship with you both something money can’t buy. But you also need a a break together you can go outside school holidays even if it’s Sunday - Friday why is that not an option is it him stopping it?

OP read all you comments - can you work out what the total cost is per year spent on DSD and kids and then show it to DH - see what % it is of your income. He may not realise the true cost.?
BUT I would say encourage the children to learn Spanish and even pay for lessons as they can get Eu Passports and could work/live in Spain eventually.

The only thing I think it a little out of the ordinary is the trip to Spain, I think that should be something she pays for herself if she wants to continue it.

Other than that I don't think it's really excessive and much of it includes you and your husband also, although obviously if you actually can't afford it then I do think he's being unreasonable not to listen to your thoughts.

Your relationship is relatively short compared to the age of his daughter. I don’t think you can stop him doing what he does and he should not have to. He sounds like a good grandad and may be over compensating because his daughter lost her mum.

Is there a reason you only work 3 days? If you increased this to full-time you would likely be able to afford the holiday you want.