AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

What a run of awful scenarios she's had in life,losing her mum, having kids without her mum being around to support and teach her, then breaking up with the childrens father and having to put her career on hold to do a job that fits around her children.

Your husband is spending HIS money not yours, you have no kids together so the money would just be spent on you two, so if he chooses to portion some of his money to help support his daughter maintaining her family ties on the maternal side (she'll feel like she's keeping some of her mum alive) then that's fine. It's not like she's spending on personal luxuries. She has a hard time of it and he's being a doting father.

So he's funding two foreign holidays a year, one of which doesn't include you & him. Plus a caravan break in the UK.

That's excessive. Why can't her mother's family contribute to the Spanish holiday?

Lunch EVERY Saturday is also excessive. And so restrictive of your own lives too. Cut those down to once a month.

The swimming lessons - yeah, that's the sort of thing GPs should pay for (possibly morphing into other sports, or music lessons as the children grow).

@Loisy I think the way forward is to have a serious budgeting discussion with your DH. Set out your family budget for the year including the things YOU want to use any "spare" funds on - like a separate holiday just for the two of you, or a second car. And then see what is left for daughter and kids.

Personally I don't think it's fair that your DH should completely dominate how your disposable income (after household bills) is spent.

You could separate your finances. As you only work three days a week and earn half what your partner does maybe work extra hours for your own spends?

He sounds like a lovely father and maybe it’s how he wants to spend his money?

Ask yourself if she were your biological daughter would you have posted this question on mumsnet?

I did read the original post and I missed one piece of information about the fact they live in a council house. The OP didn’t mention finances or the fact she only works three days a week until later in the thread which is why I’ve commented on it.

If the OP wants to have more money she should work more. She’s already being subsided in life due to the fact her partner works more and earns more.

If you work part time are you needing your husbands earning to somehow bolster yourself or something? If you need two cars and your wage wouldn't cover one then consider what's better, he supports his daughter who has been through the mill while she had tiny children, or he supports the buying of a second car?

She earns a low wage as atm she has small children and needs to have a job that makes her available to care for them, they're usually low paid. I have a 2.5 yr old and had to make big life changing decisions regarding being there for him so I know the options out there well. It's not forever, but she will always remember the support and time her father gave her (and he's her only parent left so yes he probably feels he needs to go above and beyond, that's being an excellent father right there).

None of what you listed seems extraordinary in terms of support, it's not like he's paying her rent or a monthly allowance to bolster her wages.

So he shouldnt pay for her, but he should pay for you? Cant have it both ways.

Why do you only work 3 days a week if you are so concerned about money.

I think it’s one of those things once started it would be very difficult to stop. It does seem excessive to pay for 3 holidays though. I don’t know how old you are but is it sustainable once you have retired? I personally would want a relaxing holiday with just my husband at least once a year.

Your only option really is for you and your DH to have separate finances. You would have to agree how much you would each contribute to the running of your household etc., and you could then each choose how you want to spend what you have left over.

Perhaps just having a serious conversation and writing everything down as if you were going to separate your finances - but not actually doing it - would bring home to him how much you are subsidising him and his daughter, if you think that’s the case.

What he’s doing is not unusual or unreasonable, but if he can’t afford it it’s unfair to deprive you of life's little luxuries to pay for it.

Your husband earns double your salary and works full time. Is there a reason you can only work part-time? To be honest in his shoes I’d be fairly annoyed that my partner wanted me to cut back on treating my child and grandchildren so that I could afford to take them on more holidays. Unless you have a valid reason not to work more hours to contribute more to a holiday pot, that’s obviously the best solution.

If this was a wife being asked to cut back on spending on her child and grandchildren because their husband (who earns half what she does), wanted to work part time but also more holidays there would be uproar.

Personally I don't think it's fair that your DH should completely dominate how your disposable income (after household bills) is spent.

If I were the DH I’d be quite bothered by the fact that my relatively new wife is wanting to dictate me spending more money on her than my child and grandchildren when she isn’t bringing much to table financially. OP says their income isn’t great but what she means to say is that her contribution isn’t very much because she works part time and expects her DH to spend more on her holidays. Her DH sounds like a great father and grandfather.

Ahh.. so it's the things that you don't benefit from, that you don't like? What a coincidence.

That being said, it sounds like a lot of money. But also a lot of holidays all round. Can some of them not be every 2nd year?

I think ultimately its not about the money.

It's about your husband not seeing you as the most important thing in his life.

Fair play to him, his daughter & grandkids are more important to him than a woman he's know for 6 years.

I'd say he got married too soon after wifes death.

But he earns double her salary so she isn't contributing to the daughter at all, she'd just rather he didn't contribute as much and channel that into their lifestyle.

It doesn’t sound like the OP is having to subsidise the husband at all, she only works 3 days a week versus his 5 and he earns double. So yes, whilst he probably is spending several thousand a year on his daughter, I imagine he spending more than that subsidising the OP’s general living costs.

How exactly are they for her benefit?

We would all want this from the father of our kids if we died.

She goes on them, doesn’t she?

Maybe she would prefer a holiday with her and her husband in an adult only place rather than being with small kids. As so many parents on here say holidays with young kids aren't relaxing so why would op not want to relax on her holiday when the kids aren't even hers?

She isn't paying for the trip to Spain, her husband is, because his Spanish wife died and if he didn't help his daughter wouldn't be able to see her mums side of her family. He's being both parents essentially, and is an excellent father for doing so. She's a single parent, the father wouldn't be expected to contribute to a holiday she's taking the kids on in the way a married couple would pool finances so it's really the only way atm she can see her family surely? It's not just a holiday, it's a family holiday.

The lunches are him seeing his daughter and grandchildren, and he picks up the cafe bill. Hardly a three course meal at a Michelin starred reataurant weekly, and it's quality time spent with them.

So you don’t mind the fact he pays for all the holidays you benefit from but you do mind the things he pays for that you don’t benefit from like solo lunches with his child and grandchildren etc.

Then maybe she should work full time so they could afford her preference.

No I would not be paying for all of that. I was a lone parent as a teenager no one ever paid for anything like that for us.

I think the caravan to Norfolk sounds fine as that’s a family thing everyone goes to. And the swimming lessons for the grandchildren.

But the meal on Saturday could be every other week and in between a lunch at your house and a lunch at DD’s house. That will halve the cost.

The Spain holiday she can save up for herself, she has cousins to invite her to stay so won’t cost much and that’s for her to organise with that side of the family.

And the holiday abroad no I’d not take them anymore as you aren’t getting a holiday with just your husband. You two need a holiday alone as well. Plus you can go in term time that’s cheaper for a fortnight, or two holidays if you don’t take them. If it’s an issue for your DH , it shouldn’t be, take them every other year.

this way you are still paying for a weeks holiday to Norfolk every year for a whole other family, swimming lessons and two meals out per month. When I was on a lower paid job meals out just didn’t happen so no reason your wage should be eaten up paying for someone else to have a meal out.

I agree the answer is sone of the holidays are every other year. So one year take grandkids and mum abroad, next year go as a couple in term time and so on.

myself and my oh only get a caravan holiday every other year as that’s all we can afford.

Does she live in a council house as well?

She views the children as her grandchild and she likes those holidays as per one of the OPs post.

Spending time with grandchild is nice. Seeing them grow up etc.

She is going on holidays

All benefits to the OP.