AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

OP are you SURE you are not the DD?

You are kind of making her case left, right and centre ...

That doesn't mean swimming lessons are a scam though! Is he a strong swimmer? Can he tread water? Does he have the strength to swim multiple lengths? Can he change strokes if he gets tired doing one? Could he swim in his clothes if he had to?

I agree. I also wouldn’t want to spend every holiday with my partner’s adult child and grandchildren. Maybe the compromise is you duck out of the caravan holiday (he can then share with her) and spend the saved money on a weekend away with friends?

I would stop paying for trips to Spain, including her in your holiday and the weekly lunches. These expensive things should be once in a while. Meals out for special occasions, one holiday a year is more than enough and only pay for travel and/or accommodation. If she wants to take the kids to Spain she has to fund this herself.

So he’s subsidising you as well, OP?

I cant really answer this because I just wish my father had put that much energy and love into me when my mother dies young...

“Meals out”- does this include egg and chips in a cafe?

I don’t want to sound horrible, and I hope this doesn’t come out as such, but it’s not really supporting the daughter, is it? The swimming lessons being an exception imo as, if possible, all children should know how to swim. Otherwise it’s paying for holidays together which is bloody lovely but certainly not a necessity. I thought this was going to be about helping her with her food shop or similar.

Would your husband be open to maybe dropping the AI option? The Norfolk caravan holiday sounds nice as an extended family getaway and I can understand the Spain one (altho maybe it doesn’t need to be every year?) but the AI one is expensive and a frippery, as my Nana would say.

I’d certainly be having the conversation with him that it seems a bit unreasonable to never have a holiday just the two of you, and that the costs are spiralling a bit out of control. Be nice about it, say how lovely the caravan holiday is etc, flies and honey and all that, but yes, I’d want to be seeing a bit of a change somewhere too.

Try reading the initial post. You will find your answer there.

Is she grateful and appreciative for these things or does she take them for granted and regard them as her right? I might be less supportive if the latter.

IMHO your DP is being a supportive dad and grandad, who rightly prioritises time spent with family, including his DD spending time with her mother’s family.

I assume he was supporting his DD when you met him, if she was 20 at the time and her mother had died only three years earlier? Though of course the GC have come along since.

The key is whether he’s using his own money to pay for this (other than your share of holidays)? If he’s using any of your money, then it’s a v different issue.

Even if his own money, it sounds like you need to talk about this. There perhaps needs to be more of a balance. If you don’t go away together as a couple, even for a weekend, that’s not great for your relationship. Sounds like the different things your DP pays for have crept up since the GC were born and he hasn’t discussed it with you or assessed the impact on his relationship with you.

I’m sure he’ll still want to prioritise his family. The GC only have one childhood and kids grow up quickly. He can’t wait to make memories with them. And the death of his DD’s mother will have brought home to him that we never know what the future holds and should seize the day. Plus, his DD needs more support when her DC are young. Once they’re older, it won’t be so difficult for her to take them away on her own and it’ll be easier for her to earn more.

However, what do you want? If you understandably want a more financially comfortable life and a DP who spends most of his money and holiday time on the relationship with you, v sadly your current DP is perhaps not the right person for you. Perhaps someone without DC or GC would be a better fit. Or you spend your money on going away with your own friends and/or family?

You say 'we' are spending money, but are you actually contributing your own money to these expenses?

If he wants to spend his own money on his child/grandchildren, that's his business and he can spend his money how he likes. It's his family, and his daughter and grandchildren have it hard.

I was a single parent and sometimes needed help from my mum when my child was young. Now I am a grandparent and in a better financial position so often take my grandson on holidays, days out, buy him things he needs for activities we do together. If I didn't he would miss out. It's what we do for our families, as long as we can afford it. It sounds like your husband can afford it, you just want him to prioritise stuff that doesn't involve his family and just the two of you. It sounds like you just have different priorities, and his priorities obviously include his child and grandchildren. It must be hard when they aren't your family

Why didn’t you read the initial post before asking your question?

So you want him to stop the enjoyment he gets from the time spent with his daughter and grandkids while on holiday to subsidise your holidays? If you contributed more to the family finances by working full time YOU could pay for that holiday yourself. I can’t believe you are begrudging the money a father spends on his daughter and grandchildren while expecting him to subsidise your lifestyle.

He sounds like a lovely man.

I think you just need to embrace it. You are included in the family holidays… don’t take that for granted. In an alternate universe, they might go away without you! But this suggests they think of you as very much part of the family.

I get that you would like more time with your partner, but I think you need to raise that separately and not identify that you see the money spent on her as a direct cause of you not getting away together.

Perhaps you could confide in the daughter that you’d like to have a holiday just with him (maybe around a birthday or anniversary) as well as the whole family one…. it might plant a seed in her mind… it sounds like they are very close and she would probably want her dad to be happy.

Your are both being subsidised by this man.

You work only three days a week. He works full time and earns double.

You want him to spend more money on you.

He’s choosing to use his excess to look after his daughter and grandkids.

You want him to use the excess on holidays for you.

You’d be better off working full time and funding your own holidays.

I assume your housing costs are low due to Council housing. Was that where he lived with his wife?

Does he having savings from his marriage, and estate from his first wife?

You choose to work only a few days a week and you want to control his spending to accommodate you.

He may do a lot for those grandkids but they’re part of his family & legacy. He’s a very good man.

On the strength of all your updates I think you need to just accept the situation and enjoy the family & opportunities this has given you. If you want extra cash then you need to go back to working full time & put the extra aside for the luxuries you want or look for a better paid role. Possibly not what you want to hear but seems the most logical solution.

It's not really as one sided as you initially implied, OP, is it? She pays to take you and her dad out on your respective birthdays and hosts Christmas and Easter lunch (I assume that means she also pays for all the food for those events). At the moment, she's underemployed because she's a single parent with young children. Hopefully that will change as the children get older.

You have said that nothing in particular that your DH spends on his daughter and her children is that expensive, it's just that, collectively, they add up. I think it's lovely he's continuing to support her visits to Spain to see her mother's family - surely that's just as important as seeing your DH's side of the family in Norfolk, which you approve of? I'd perhaps wish to go away just the two of you, rather than also invite his DD and grandchildren on the mediterranean holiday, but he clearly wishes to spend time with them.

If you can work more than 3 days a week (which may involve chanding employer), then that's an obvious solution. If there are reasons you can't work more than this, then perhaps talk about setting up a budget to manage finances going forward, so that both you and your DH get an equal voice in how your lives are lived.

YABU. He sounds like a really wonderful father, doing his best to support his daughter who has not only lost her own mother but has no support for her young kids from their father. It's what I would do in his position and I think you're pretty mean to begrudge two kids swimming lessons, cafe lunches with their grandad and non-luxury trips:

OPs husband likes having lunch out with his daughter and granddaughter it's his money why shouldn't he do it. If he was spending his money on a different activity every week should he stop that? Why should he stop doing something if he enjoys it and is spending his own money.
The trips to Spain are about the DD and her children spending time with her mother's family. I can see this might have been a commitment he made with her mother.
If he can afford it and this is how he chooses to spend his money why shouldn't he?
The daughter regularly hosts birthdays and Christmas and holidays and treats her dad and his wife to meals etc.

Agree that your DH sounds absolutely lovely OP and I’m sure his daughter and grandchildren are grateful for everything you both do for them.

Now that the children are approaching school age it’s probably time to suggest an end to the AI holiday each year. Then the two of you can have a lovely break together during term time. You’d still be having the UK family holiday so wouldn’t really lose out on family time.

Re Saturday lunches, suggest that he cuts it down to once per month and the other Saturdays either host at home or take the kids to the park/beach/woods with a picnic lunch now that the weather is better.

It does all sound a bit excessive if it means you can’t afford a separate holiday just the two of you. Personally, I think I’d be a bit embarrassed to accept so many holidays and treats but that’s just me.
Are you invited to the cafe on a Saturday?
Is it your house or his etc?

It sounds like you should do more paid work OP

Does he contribute equally to all household bills? If yes he can do what he wants with his own leftover money.

But I do think this sounds excessive. Yes it’s really hard being a single parent - I was a single parent with kids a little bit older. But she chose to have kids very young, she’ll be getting benefits and maintenance , she chooses to work part time, she needs to start taking responsibility for her own decisions and not expect to have luxuries paid for

If you enjoy the family holidays carry on. If you would prefer a holiday just you and dh you need to speak up and arrange it.

i also think you should try camping - kids would love it and it’s so much cheaper!

My three year old is definitely benefiting from swimming lessons. I do not think they are too young at all.