AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

I genuinely don’t think she needs to justify this, maybe she just wants to feel more financially comfortable rather than it being about buying or doing extra things…

Thank you everyone. It seems the consensus is I’m being unreasonable.

Prior to marrying DH (we’ve only been married 2 years, together 6), I lived alone in a rented flat and prior to that I was married. He has lived in this council house since his DD was tiny! She has her own arguably much nicer council house in a town 20 minutes away now.
She works 26 hours a week, but the church are very flexible, let her work from home if the children are sick, she has more annual leave than most would and gets paid pretty well for what she does (it’s a parish wide admin role and covers 4 churches).

I am 50, my DH is 54. I work part time for a few reasons, one as I do all the shopping and cleaning, two I do Monday and Friday childcare for the grandchildren during all the school holidays (even the youngest one is in a term time only nursery), I could work more but it would be to the detriment of the family as a whole.

I don’t think my stepdaughter is greedy, I do think it is DH who drives the spending. Maybe we just need to rework the budget to fit something in around June time for us as a couple.

That sounds very reasonable op.

I don't think it would be helpful to family dynamics to start cutting back from what has been habitually given to her to give to you, so if there is a way to add a nice trip in for you, that would be a better approach I think.

You would have had very different responses if you had included the two days' childcare in your OP, @Loisy.

His only child and grandchildren - he’s absolutely doing the right thing. It’s his child and 26 years vs a 6yr relationship. And she lost her mum. He sounds like a good man.

I didn’t feel it fair to include them, it’s maybe 16 half days a year just 8.30-1, it’s not full days and step daughter drops them off and picks them up, sends snacks and lunch etc.

Read the update - we now know it’s as I said, not as you said. OP has in fact, stolen the daughter’s chance to inherit the tenancy of her family home.

OP, as others have said, you would have received a much more amiable response re working more from me at least (and I’m sure others) if you’d updated that you provide childcare. I think it’s worth weighing up the cost of an additional days work vs holiday clubs for the daughter or cutting back on one of the holidays - talk to your husband about your wants to see how you can make a couples holiday happen.

edited to add: 16 half days are not insignificant- that’s about £1k a year savings. If she recieved UC, she can claim 85% of this back. Could be worth offering to front the first payment until she is paid back to make the transition easier.

The daughter would have to live there to inherit the tenancy. That's a fact

I think what’s important here is the ‘we’ aspect.

You haven’t been together a massively long time in the grand scheme of things. So, do you both put all your money in a pot - therefore you are contributing- or does it mean you can’t afford the holiday yourself and he doesn’t have enough to contribute ? Because in that case , he is choosing to spend his money on those things?

What you’re asking to change is things that hold a lot of memories and a fantastic relationship between a father and a daughter. I most certainly wouldn’t change the Saturday lunches , that’s his time with his daughter and she’s lost her mother so you can’t take that away from her either. The swimming lessons won’t be forever , they will get bored.

The holiday to Spain is clearly very important to him because of the memories of her mother and her heritage and he’s trying to keep that alive . I don’t think it would be unreasonable to cut down the amount though , maybe 1 less holiday or for her to contribute .

So you share finances so you are paying towards all this stuff

i get why you want a holiday just you two

agree sat lunch can be at home

Plus the OP says she already has a nicer council house of her own anyway.

It's called being a family. If you want to be single and hoard your own resources for your own excursions then do that.

Saturday lunch is probably the most precious part to grandad, maybe make it a family dinner at yours twice a month but dont drop it. The Spanish holidays are short, I think it would be mean to drop them. When the children are both in school then daughter can maybe take over paying for them.

You dont have to do all the housework, your husband should be doing some too. Personally I'd want to work more, share more housework and let grandad keep all the Saturday lunches. If you did an extra day you'd still be able to do one mornings child care and maybe grandad could take a few days leave and pitch in or daughter can pay for a holiday club.

But you presented it as a commitment which is sufficient that you can’t increase your hours of paid work, OP. Either it is or it isn’t. Shopping and cleaning for a two-adult household is not two days’ worth of work every week 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you aren’t willing to increase your income via more paid work then you need to have a conversation with DH to re-evaluate your spending priorities and the division of household labour.

I'm not saying the posters DH is not more than willing, or that the daughter is being grabby- but if I were the poster I wouldn't be willing for my money to be used in this way, we are not talking about funding basic needs here. This daughter was born 20 years before the poster married DH, there has to be a limit, we are not talking wealthy people here-the daughter has by far the greatest earning potential of the 3 of them, she should get some childcare and a better job if she wants lots of holidays etc.

My first instinct if I wanted more money to do things would be to work full time.

You are not being unreasonable. The Spanish holiday is too much.
the other things are nice grandparents things to do but she needs to start paying for her own holiday to Spain .

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Your husband’s daughter needs to step up to the mark, get a decent job and finance herself. All the negative comments are probably from similar spongers taking advantage of parents. It’s fine to buy the odd lunch, my mum would have done the same but then I’d return the gesture. It’s not as though she has no child maintenance.

In five years time things will look very different.
The daughter could be in a better position, e.g. in a relationship, in a better paid job.
The children will probably need less care.
In the scheme of things, this is a short period of time when you can build very sound foundations for your relationships going forward.

maybe just work more then

' it’s maybe 16 half days a year just 8.30-1,'

once or twice a week ?

as clearly you can do your shopping and cleaning during the rest of the half day

and go to work one more full day a week...

I expect your 50% of the rent on his council house is less than your 100% rent on a private property ?

could you get a Saturday job ? maybe in a supermarket as 8 hours at min wage would help a lot towards this 3rd holiday you want ?

I think this is generous, but in the context of her Mum passing away and her partner being useless, I think it's lovely that her Dad has stepped up. She has no siblings either. Are you envious of their relationship?

Sounds like you have a lovely family set-up and your SD and grandkids are fabulous. I wouldn’t upset the apple cart for the sake of a few quid. Maybe look at ways to make an extra few bob to fund a couples break selling extra stuff that you don’t use on Vinted, bit of overtime or something

Is it actually the money though or is the DH using all his leave to go with the daughter leaving nothing to go away with his wife as a couple

But that limit it up to the ops dh if his wages are the spare cash paying after bills and such are paid.

If we don’t believe he is being forced by his daughter these are his choices.

He would likely be choosing the same if he were single even if the holidays were slightly different.

It’s not for op the newer partner and wife to demand he stop spending time or money on his daughter or grandchildren. When she’s only part time with him paying the majority.

If they both earned the same or her more and he was trying to take what they don’t have or more than his spare after bills and such then yeah she would have a point.

Apart from Spain the op is included in the holidays.