AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

It’s a lot. If I wanted to do that for my DCs I would make sure it came out of my money and that it didn’t impact negatively on my life with DH, who is not their father.

I couldn't begrudge two kids a café lunch and a shirt holiday in Spain really

Agree. My OH taught our DC to swim in the local council pool by taking them once a week. They swim really well and confidently.

What's the point I the daughter getting a higher paying, five day a week job? Shed just have to pay for extortionate childcare

Is he financing this? Are you contributing equally to the holidays?

Is it that you expect him to send his money on you as a couple rather than her? If so - yes you are being massively unreasonable. If you are contributing you are well within you rights to say you don't want to contribute anymore and you won't go.

If something ever happened to me I really hope my DH would treat our kids like this and not prioritise his new relationship. Your dh sounds like a really good man.

*she'd

coming back to respond to the frankly shitty and irrelevant comments on here about ‘the daughter standing on her own two feet’ - let me exemplify exactly how OP has set herself up to sit on her ungrateful backside:

• likelihood is that OP has moved in with DH, as she would not be given a council house with no kids, it would be a flat. First tick, stolen the daughter’s opportunity to succeed a lifetime secure tenancy as this can only be done once.
• likelihood that OP worked FT before getting married, second tick for reducing hours therefore marital income.
• likelihood that even working FT as a single person, OP would not be able to afford to run a car AND go on several holidays per year. Third tick for siphoning marital funds.
• likelihood that OP will now after marrying, inherit all of dads assets, leaving nothing for daughter (for most people, this would be rare if parents weren’t widowed). 4!

———-//——————

Thanks to an PP, I’ll evidence this in numbers. According to her numbers, she brings in c.£1200 a month and her husband c.£2500.

Presume:
Rent: £450
Energy, water, c tax, internet, tv licence: £420
Car (either finance or saving to buy second hand outright), insurance, tax, maintenance, petrol: £500
food: £300
holidays: £300

Divide by 2, OPs share is around £985 pcm, leaving £215 for OP’s own spends. OP isn’t supporting anyone, barely even herself so should be working more. DH is around £1500, has plenty to support his daughter without negatively affecting the household. For those who argue the mental load of OP, fine, working PT gives her chance to manage that. For those arguing marital finances should be equal, it’s absolutely incomparable for a second marriage to be equal, usually because of kids.

As I said, I’m sure some are decent, sounds like you’re lucky, but I’m not surprised a lot of PP call them a scam because a lot of the ones I’ve come across are.

My DC did way more than a couple of terms (over 5 years each, all the way through the “programme”) and those extra lifesaving skills were never broached despite being on the descriptions. They have a massive waiting list so once you get a slot you hang on to it for dear life. The actual teaching was pretty useless but we stuck with them mostly as an exercise session and I corrected/taught them the skills myself on holiday as I’m a good swimmer. I’ve often discussed the topic with friends and a lot had similar experiences.

I think it’s lovely he does so much to help his daughter. Being a parent doesn’t stop at 18 despite what a lot of mumsnet seem to think.

@zombiemom brilliant post. I ve informed my DH that if I die and he prioritises his new relationship over our kids I ll make it my business to haunt him. We talk all the time about how harmful step parents can be to kids.

Thankfully this man seems to balance his desire not to be lonely with his duties as a parent. This guy deserves a medal. I'd love to meet him and shake his hand.

Yes wouldn’t we! Rather than the guy longing off his only child and spending all his money on a new woman.

Fair play to the man, he sounds wonderful.

My 10p worth is this......your hubby is so caring and giving, but my concern is when does all the treats come to an end? Personally I think it's too much....1 holiday a year, lunch out once a month or every 2nd wkd only and continue with swimming lessons as water safety is imperative!!! Even competent swimmers can get into difficulty and drown, so they are essential in my eyes. I take my granddaughter away 2x a year, camping and to a cottage for long weekend and pay her swimming lessons, and that's more than enough.....my daughter should fund anything else

Perhaps you could get another PT job and put that money aside for you and your DH to take a holiday yourselves?

No it isn't.
Just because that's not the way your family works doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it.
Many older people get great pleasure from enabling their DCs and GCs to experience things that they otherwise wouldn't afford.

I wouldn't expect my parents to pay for my holidays or my children's extra curriculars no matter how poor I was. That's just cheeky and entitled.

Cheeky and entitled? Maybe this is what the dad wants. What matters to him.

A few holidays and a bit of family support can make life better for everyone - strong family ties with the Spanish family, strong bonds with dad/grandfather. It’s about making choices to give and to accept.

And I bet the daughter and grandchildren will be there for him when he needs it.

As PP have said, it all depends on how you budget.

I think you need to consider things like proportional bills, fun money, couple money and then have a pot for discretionary money- my feeling is that what he pays to his daughter should come from his personal fun money. I don't think you should have to pay for it directly, or indirectly, unless you chose to.

Obviously, if you don't have a lot of money to begin with it's hard, and likely to build conflict - things like a weekly lunch and swimming lessons really do add up. You both might want to see if you can increase your earnings.

YABU - if you want more money for yourself then work full time.

He sounds like a fantastic father and grandfather. Hopefully once the grandchildren are in full time school, she can also get another job which pays better.

How much of that £ is your earnings op?

Just read your posts. Was he doing all this before you entered his life? If so I think you are BU to expect him to stop.

When she met her husband the daughter was a student so it was to be expected he was supporting her then. All the luxuries for her and her kids years later she couldn't have forseen

We don't know whether the council house belonged to him or her beforehand. He could've moved into her cheap place saving himself hundreds a month in rent. It could be a flat anyway, we don't know, it could be a house that SHE succeeded the tenancy from a parent. Tenancies can only be passed on once anyway and the person passing in onto has to have lived there a minimum of a year so the daughter wouldn't qualify anyway and may have her own council place

What assets does dad have? Not property and he's spending his money now so doubtful much savings.

And it could've been the OP who gave up her council tax discount and possibly housing benefit when he moved in

Looking from that way round then the scenario is a bit different

Does it even mention whether the husband was still married to the daughters mother when she died

Why don't you work full time, OP?

It’s a little tricky because nothing he is doing is totally unreasonable.
If it’s possible I would suggest perhaps trying to increase your working week from 3 days to 4 if you can, because things do seem a little tight expenditure wise, even if he did drop something he was doing for his daughter it doesn’t sound like there would be lots of excess cash.
I would suggest maybe dropping the cafe lunch to every other week, perhaps lunch at yours/hers alternating in between.
The swimming lessons are a nice thing for the children to do, if she can’t afford for them to it herself. Swimming is quite an important skill imo so I can see why your DH is encouraging them, despite these probably be the most expensive things on your list.
I think the difficulty is your step daughter has only one parent left, and thankfully one that wishes to be involved.
She is quite young to have the children especially with no support emotional/physical from their fathers side, which means her ‘village’ is you.
Forgive me if I missed your ages but a daughter of 26 means you and your DH could be anywhere from 46+ perhaps your DH figures whilst he’s young he’s rather be as involved as possible and save the money when the children are older/his daughter has less of a struggle on her hands.

It sounds more like you and he need to sit down and afford a way for you both to get away this summer. It might be that spending money on daughter and grandchildren is more important to him than something else he spends money on in his life. It also sounds like she's not taking the piss, and she reciprocates, so they clearly just have a generous outlook.
Rather than saying "stop spending on them" try "I'd really like a break just us two this summer, this is what I was thinking, this is the cost, shall we see if we can make it work?" You can suggest hosting lunches instead of taking them out as an option, but there also might be other things in your budget he'd rather cut than things for the family. If (for example) he'd rather keep cafe lunches but stop going to the pub once a week after work (or whatever it is) then I think that's up to him really.
I do think it's totally fair to want a break, and I can see why it must feel unbalanced when his dd gets a break in Spain, but her mum has died, her children only have their grandad as a male role model, and I can see why it's important to everyone that they make it work. There surely is also an element of knowing this about him when you got together- you're a newer member of this family than any of the rest of them, so unless this generosity is a new thing, that has come when you have combined incomes, then I don't think it's for you to dictate.