AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

I think you're shockingly out of order.

You want to work part time; you want your husband to continue working FT and contributing twice the amount you contribute; you think your lifestyle is penny-pinching even though you don't work FT - but you want him to spend less on his daughter and grandchildren and spend more on you instead. It's a plain and simple step-mother wanting to oust the child to feather her own nest scenario.

SURELY, the answer is that you work more if you want to treat yourself? He seems quite happy as he is, doing right by wife and daughter and grandchildren. We need more men who can do the right thing - honoring his late wife's heritage and his daughter's Spanish heritage with a 5 day visit to visit family is a really decent thing to do given she can't afford the time or money to do it on her own, and having lost her mum at 17yo. And you're really begruding them a cafe lunch once a week? He works FT and earns double what you earn...but he shouldn't spend money on a toastie and a coffee once for his DD once a week, but should instead save that up for a summer holiday for you?

You're the one with the problem, so you fix it and not by taking away from his child and grandchildren! This is like blaming immigrants for stealing the crumbs that fall from billionaires' mouths.

I don't think @op will be back, it's definitely not the response she was looking for!

Someon’s gotta say it: you sound like a pantomime stepmother. Did you expect him to dump his family when you married?
As for lunch at your place: I imagine consuming a frugal meal, prepared reluctantly by and in the presence of a grudging step-mother won’t have the same appeal as DD and DDad bonding in a cosy cafe..

I agree with this. They’d have more money for holidays just the 2 of them, of OP worked full time

Sorry, you think swimming lessons are a scam? How so? Splashing around with your kid in the water doesn't teach them in the way swimming lessons do. They might be able to swim, but would they be able to save themselves in they got into trouble?

Swimming lessons should be COMPULSORY for all children from when they're toddlers. They're so, so important.

Work 2 days more keep that £ for you
It is lovely he supports his motherless daughter and young family
These are not holidays to maldives...

Never said she was. I merely said he wasn't necessarily supporting her. Besides they are not holiday for her

So he supports you in your lifestyle choice to work 3 days a week even though you don't have children?

Is this a reverse???

OP only married her husband 6 years ago, she knew how he supported his daughter and her children.
I don't think she can tell her husband to stop supporting them now. It's obviously important to him and surely he can spend his money any way he wants to. There is no indication that he isn't paying the rent or the bills. He earns twice much as OP and works full time whereas she works three days a week. She doesn't have my caring responsibilities so presumably that is a choice she has made.
Her husband pays for OP to go on holiday twice a year he just also invites his daughter and grandchildren presumably because he likes spending time with them. He is also honouring an obligation he made to his daughter's dead mother by making sure she is able to keep in touch with her Spanish family. If OP wants another holiday just the two of them perhaps she can book something herself?
There is no indication that the daughter is selfish or taking advantage OP said she always hosts Christmas and Easter and she takes them out for meals on their birthdays.

The concept of swimming lessons is super important. The reality of swimming lessons is often a complete scam. Unless you’re forking out for private, all the ones around us are quite useless. Same with many of my friends who live elsewhere in the UK.

I’m sure there are some decent ones, but most seem a waste of time. Barely any progress after months of lessons, much more progress done in a few days on holidays. I laughed when a PP asked if they could tread water, swim with clothes on in case of emergency, etc. All great skills to have, and all on the course description, but in practice were never broached in lessons.

I used to contribute to treats, presents and so on for my late husband's adult children and grandchild.

I finally stopped contributing when I realised that we were being left out of various family related events and that I needed to save for my retirement.

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. Of course your husband can spend his money as he pleases, but make sure that you're not contributing.

Coming from a family where I’ve never had a holiday paid for by my parents since I was 18, it seems very extravagant to pay for 3 holidays for your grown up child each year.

could 1 and 2 alternate, so one year it’s Spain, the next year a holiday with you? That way maybe you could have your own quieter holiday just the two of you each year?

With respect, the op is a GP receptionist and her H works for the council

neither of these roles are going to pay enough to live lavishly.

Spain, Greece, Norfolk every year, that’s a chunk of change. The daughter gets maintenance (which is more than I ever did) she should fund Spain at the very least.

lunches out every week, while nice, that mounts up. It’s very expensive to eat/drink out in the UK, I get that he wants to see them, but coffee/food at home will be far cheaper.

this woman has support from the kids dad, she could work more hours and for a better wage but is choosing to bumble about at the church.

@Loisy id feel the same tbh. Your H is spending your household money on his DD and her kids and that money all adds up and would make a difference to your lives

I’d also fund only half the swimming lessons, and cut back on either the summer sun holiday or Norfolk

They are all done in my grandchildren's swimming lessons. Obviously not in the first two terms though
I have three grandchildren all are extremely strong swimmers and can do all of those things I mentioned even the 7 year old but only because they have had regular swimming lessons . And they are not private lessons they are standard lessons with other children that take place at the local pool.

None of the things you listed are basic needs; they're either things he enjoys himself or family traditions that have become obligations in his mind. I suspect that if his daughter's income suddenly doubled or tripled he'd still want to do most of these things. The point is not to subsidise her, but to participate in and in some ways shape her life. The problem is, his own income can't comfortably support these costs along with his own expenses and paying his share for your shared household/relationship/activities.

I would approach it by pointing out that your budget is tight, and reminding him of things the two of you would like to do but cannot because of limited finances, and propose reviewing and tightening the budget. DO NOT start with talking about his daughter or grandchildren; let those expenses emerge as part of the big picture, in context. Then figure out what adjustments can reasonably be made across the board. Often instead of cost-cutting, bringing in more income is the more realistic option so look at all reasonable ways to do that.

Assuming the things you're having to cut corners on now are also luxuries and not basic needs, though, be prepared for him to say he doesn't care about or prioritise those things and the budget is fine. If that's the case, you have to decide if you want to move to separate finances and do the more expensive things yourself even if he chooses not to participate and not contribute financially.

If you cant separate your finances, id work out how much of the spare income is yours (after bills etc) and pay that into a savings account every month. Then use it to treat you both. He sounds like a lovely man, taking care of his daughter, who also deserves a treat! Not matter how well educated or employable you are, its incredibly difficult to work full time to a high level when youre a single mum of young children. Things may change once the children get to high school.

Cafe lunch is not extravagant

Appreciate she’s a single mum with all
of the challenges that brings, but surely the priority needs to be to ensure she can pursue a career that maximises the return from her impressive education. That should go some way to increasing her income and making her less reliant on her dad.

He’s paying for lunch once a week and swimming lessons, not private school

Ngl - if he earns double and you only work 3 days - you can’t really complain how he uses his disposable income.

if you want to go away then do as others suggest. Put an equal amount into household fund to cover your expenses and joint holidays and then save your disposable income to go away. If he wants to go to he needs to fund his half by cutting back elsewhere

I thinknthe poster means the quality of the lessons may be. I have taken many s children to lessons and seen some dreadful examples.

Yes I'd really hate this- Dh's daughter is in an unfortunate situation, but she made her own choices, and clearly has the potential to earn more- but she doesn't need to , does she? All holidays are paid for and regular treats.
TBH I would be tempted to have my wages paid into a personal account and pay half the household bills-but none of the rest.
Having young children and a deadbeat Dad means financial hardship guaranteed- but if she gets maintenance I wouldn't be surprised if she has more spending money than you do.
The trouble with providing all these things is that she probably expects it and doesn't give a thought about how it impacts your life- maybe DH will see the cumulative cost if he is funding it alone.

i actually know someone who does that for their grandkids. Daughter and grandkids want for nothing. Very much supported by her dad

Some people are making out like the daughter expects it.

But the dad could be more than willing. I mean Turning what was daddy daughter day into grandpa grandchild’s lunch is just frankly adorable.

Wanting to holiday with his daughter and grandchildren again lovely.

Wanting the life skill of basic swimming again great most grandparents I know pay for that.

Spain is the only hmm but honestly maybe he just wants to make sure his daughter and grandchildren again experience his dear departed wives culture.

She treats them to meals out of birthdays and hosts Easter and Christmas I think it was. She doesn’t sounds like a grabby user. He sounds like a doting dad and grandpa.