AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

Why should a near retirement aged woman have to retrain or do extra hours? She should be winding down. I bet she is looking after the house and doing all the life admin.

My husband earns a lot more than me but I contribute more towards the running of the house, help with admin of his business and looking after our dog plus we still have adult children living with us. So does that make me less worthy because I’m not bringing as much money into the pot? We are in a marriage where he values my contribution - I thought that was what marriage was about. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I value our holiday away once a year just the two of us to recharge my batteries.

Did OP say how old she is? Anyway regardless of how old she is of course she doesn't have to work more of she doesn't want to and is happy with their income level. And nobody is less worthy based on how much they work (we're a one income family).

It's just that if you're only working three days a week with no childcare responsibilities and want more money in the household it would seem sensible to work a bit more.

So if you want more money, why don’t you work full time? The easiest solution for you would be if he stopped spending money on his grandkids but it’s not exactly the only option….

We never do AI because it is SOOOO expensive.
Could you combine your holiday with her trip to Spain - flights and an AirBnB for all of you?

My parents take us all on a caravan holiday every year, I hope I'll be able to do the same for my kids and grandkids. I don't see why it's so odd?

Yes but the difference here is that you likely agree all spends with your husband as I am guessing the adult children living with you are your own?

It's quite different when there's a stepchild involved as it's more awkward for OP to try and get these spends cut down, especially when the stepchild in question is a single mum with no other support except her dad and OP.

That's why OP might be better to try and increase her own income in order to achieve the lifestyle she'd like.

I think your husband sounds lovely, OP. I wish my dad had shown even a fraction of that interest in me and my siblings!

@pilates we have no idea how old OP is

As far as we know she has no caring responsibilities and she hasn't said her husband leaves her with all the "life admin"

She doesn't have to work more if she doesn't want to but if she would like more spending money for trips and holidays it is frankly grim that the first option is deprive her husbands child and grandchildren rather than working a bit more.

The daughter was there before the OP - it is lovely that her dad is so kind and generous to her, if OP wants an additional holiday she needs to earn more.

Im going to take a stab in the dark op is mid-late 50’s but could be completely wrong.

Perhaps if the errant father played a part in bringing up his children life would be easier all round?

To pay for 3 holidays is excessive imo.

Working part time and still enjoying 2 holidays a year, one of which is an AI Mediterranean destination = good quality of life IMO.

Surely most of us have to watch the pennies in some way or another. I enjoy travelling but to facilitate this, I cut back elsewhere eg we rarely eat out and most of my clothes are from Vinted. I could afford other things I’d like eg theatre tickets or more new books if I worked full time, but I don’t want to. Working part time is a luxury for many people unfortunately.

Separate finances are needed usually when one has a child and the other doesn’t

Wow I'm so surprised by the first page of responses, think I need a word with my mum/mil!!! We've never had a holiday paid for let alone 3 a year. Or the lunches and swimming lessons.

Not sure how the children's father would help OP get an extra holiday, he pays maintenance regardless of him being uninvolved.

If OP wants more money she needs to earn it herself.

Only working 3 days a week and taking home around £1200 would mean she is earning about £92 a day - even doing an extra half day a week would bring in an extra £180 a month, plenty to pay towards another UK break over the year.

Sure if men stepped up generally the world would be an awful lot better. But OP's husband sounds like a good man who is spending his own money on his daughter and grandkids and also presumably paying more to joint expenses than the OP.

In any event, how does the father of the grandkids being a shit change how OP's husband should behave? Would you feel differently if the daughter was a widow?

To be fair here in England they do seem like a scam. Some of my coworkers have had their children in them for years.

Unless you’re trying to get your child into the Olympics it really, really doesn’t take anywhere near that to be a good swimmer.

Like you I'm also in the fence but I think I should point out the OP and her husband will be paying rent. Might not be a mortgage but their home is not free.

Not necessarily. If her rent is say £400 ( perfectly possible on council place) she could afford to live alone. She was obviously doing so begorebthet married

I agree and it sounds as though you have quite a good life, not many can afford two holidays a year.

The children are still very small - and so is your stepdaughter! Things will change in time, daughter may well get a better job and she will always be grateful for the support you have given her.

Was she working three days a week and having two holidays on £1200 pre marriage? It seems quite unlikely.

I wouldn't expect my parents to pay for my holidays or my children's extra curriculars no matter how poor I was. That's just cheeky and entitled.

In most cases I would 100% say all money is joint money but not here. The OP and her partner don’t have children together and OP doesn’t have children at all to support.

She is lucky enough to only have to work three days a week and go on multiple holidays a year because her partner is picking up the slack finance wise so why should he also be able to spend money on his daughter and grandchildren too.

How do you know she “expects” these things to be paid for.

The OPs partner could be telling his daughter how much he wants to pay for these things and to take them away on holiday because it makes him happy.

His daughter could have said thanks but no and he could have insisted.

Add on council tax, bills, car, food and even if the OP was managing (very unlikely) to survive on £1200 a month, no way would she also be able to afford a caravan holiday in the UK and a AI holiday abroad every year.

Also neither of us know, however given her low wage, it’s likely the OP was working full time before getting married if she lived on her own.

I agree with those saying this changes alot.

It sounds like you basically want him to put you and subsidising you above doing the same for his dd - why?

It doesn’t sound like it’s “we” giving money to the dd at all - it’s him giving it!

I agree with this, aside from talking about the issues here. I’ve gone between full time and part time in my career in teaching. Full time for most of the part but there have been times when I’ve stepped down to part time, mainly for family and my own mental health and people outside of that don’t see the sacrifices. We’ve gone without lots of things for me to have a bit of breathing space.

im now in early retirement for various reasons. We don’t have any takeaways, we consciously even try not to spend money for 3/4 days a week. We’ve gone down to one car, I consciously don’t buy much in the way of clothing, make up etc unless it’s from Vinted or budget make up from a deal on Amazon! I’m careful about my food shopping. We’ve decided not to update many more things in our house. I’ve even cut down the amount of cards I send, presents I buy etc because frankly my husband and I love to travel and all these things make a difference.

but to the outside world we’re well off with a good standard of living and travelling the world. But people don’t see the other side of that coin, of being careful in order to do that!