AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

For me the all-inclusive trip and the weekly lunches out could be most easily changed.
The AI could be a cheaper holiday, self-catering perhaps.
And lunch out every Saturday isn't a 'treat', it's a regular thing. I'd host that instead. Maybe he could take them out to lunch at a nicer place than a cafe occasionally, then it would be a genuine treat.

The OP is not subsidising anyone. According to her numbers, she brings in c.£1200 a month and her husband c.£2500. That means her husband is bringing in over 15k a year more than she is. From the activities and holidays she has listed, it does not sound like her husband is spending over 15k a year on his daughter and grandchildren.

You could host the lunches except for one eaten out per month.
Arrange a weekly late Brunch at your place. Over time DD could host you both for a meal per week.

The swimming lessons are important but will end when they are about ten..

The Spain trips could subsidize just the air fares once your DD is back in full time work. In about three years the children will be both at school.

The holidays to Sicily, you could drop every second year allowing you and DH to take a holiday on your own..

The biggest help would be you picking up another day or two of work and saving consistantly for things you are neglecting for yourself.

I actually think it's all quite sensible and meaningful. If he's paying for it, then I don't think you can really say much. I think you'll be risking him resenting you treating his daughter.
If money is really tight then could you perhaps suggest taking in turns with things like paying for swimming lessons and lunch? (i.e. she pays one term, he pays the next?)

I'd say YABU to try and dictate what he does for his daughter and grandchildren. YANBU to say you don't want it to affect your finances. If this set up isn't for you, then this isn't the relationship for you.

How do you know she couldn't?

Have you actually explained to DH that you would like some days out and a short holiday together just the two of you? If you don't communicate this he may have no idea and be very satisfied himself with his amount of trips etc and feel happier prioritising his dgc over himself and believe that you are as happy with it as he is.

But if she wasn't there and he was paying everything out of his money he's unlikely to be able to afford to give all the luxuries to his dd

🎯

I think your husband sounds lovely doing all that for his daughter, he sounds like a really good man, however, I do get where you are coming from.

Could you agree that from next year he will only pay for half of the Spain trip as you want to go away as well, you two could book something outside of school holidays where its cheaper and then its best of both worlds, you get a nice break just the two of you but daughter and kids also get their annual holiday with their grandparents? Also gives daughter plenty time to save some money towards it.

I think you need to separate your finances, and he uses his money for these things, to reduce the resentment. It all sounds fairly reasonable to me though, it's quite common for parents to take their kids and grandkids on holiday. if you're penny pinching, you need to work more days, given your DH contributes double what you do to your household income.

NRTFT but I disagree with the comments I have seen.

I don’t think this is ok. Unless I’ve misread, every single holiday OP has also includes other people. She also said that they don’t eat out etc or really do much together other than these things and that it is affecting their finances. Where’s the quality time for her and her DH on their own? It’s lovely that her DH wants to do this but I do think it’s excessive. One holiday a year with the daughter would be sufficient IMO.

He sounds like a lovely dad and you sound like a caring stepmum and granny not to mind some of these things.
However it does sound quite a lot in comparison to your incomes
We have helped out our own DD and family over the years with things like holidays,monthly tuition over a period of 7 years half the price of a car ext. All things we wanted to do and all appreciated. However, well into our retirement now and have had to cut down.
We did it gradually. The expensive 2 week holiday all paid for became half paid for ext.
I would try making a slow start rather than trying to do too many changes at once. I would keep the holiday with you and DH and the caravan one. With the Spanish one I would say you are prepared to go halves. I would make changes to the Saturday arrangement ...but not stopping the cafe out altogether. Maybe eat out once a fortnight or even once a month. Have other things instead ..a walk along the coast eating at each others etc.
I think moving in the right direction slowly would work best for you all 💐

Just saw the comment where you only work 3 days and pension info…can you do any more hours? If he contributes more and you can’t for a legit reason (illness, disability, already retired etc?), then I think your finances should be shared equally. If you can work more but just don’t want to then you probably should split your money proportionately and I suppose he will have more spending money to use as he pleases.

That said, I still think spending every holiday you have with other people is too much, regardless of who they are (unless you’re all in agreement).

Go to full time to have more money?

But by the same logic the OP couldn’t afford to live on her £1200 a month on her own either and she certainly wouldn’t be able to afford a AI holiday somewhere every year. He is definitely subsidising the OP more than the OP is subsidising the money spent on grandchildren and the daughter.

Like others, I don’t understand why you are only working 3 days a week.
Surely your husband works and earns more than you so he is entitled to spend the extra money on himself.
However, you are not leading much of life as a couple. Really you do need couple time and a holiday on your own without the grandchildren and his daughter.
You have laid out the facts and now you need to have a discussion.

Surely the easiest way to increase your household income is to work full time?

If you lived alone, could you do the things you want on your current salary, working 3 days a week? I suspect this may not be the case, so is it actually that you want your DH to spend more on you and less on his DD? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s how your posts read.

It’s always going to be tricky with step-DC and money, in situations like this especially with pooled household income. My adult DC are from a previous relationship (their dad is not around) and DH makes the occasional comment about how much I help them financially. It doesn’t affect him at all due to the way we manage our household finances, so I ignore him!

Your DH sounds like a lovely man as per PP.

Actually I can't believe you've come here to complain about your husband who earns double your income spending on his DD and his grandchildren who have lost a mother and grandmother for normal grandparent things when he is subsidising you at the same time!

But its not "his" money its "their" money. But there's no way you can address this op, without becoming the "evil stepmother". Its great to be able to support your children if you have the surplus to fund it, but when you live a frugal live because of that, its not fair on your partner.

At what point do adults learn to stand on their own two feet? Lovely things to do if you can afford them but if it’s impacting your quality of life and you can’t afford to do things because of his paying for so much then a conversation needs to be had. Is it just his money or are you both paying? At 26 regardless of being a single mum it’s perhaps time for her to understand that the bank of dad isn’t always available. You’ll be painted as the awful person because she’s your step daughter and your quality of life won’t matter because ‘won’t somebody think of the children’ this narrative MN trots out around step families is old and frankly boring.

@WildFlowerBees if Op was "standing on her own two feet" she also wouldn't be able to afford any of the things she wants to do as she only brings in £1200 a month.

Perhaps it is time for OP to understand the bank of husband isn't available.

If she wants to go on more holidays she needs to work more, rather expecting her husband to change how he chooses to support his daughter and spend it on her instead.

Surely they live more of a frugal life so that the OP can work part-time? She's chosen free time over money. They are also not that frugal - a foreign holiday and a uk holiday each year, running a car, that's more than a lot of full-timers can afford.

I think if you bring it up to him or make a big deal of it this will be his argument to be honest, and he'd have a point, if you are only 3 days the sensible thing to up your income is to work more, not to spend less on the things he enjoys doing for his daughter/grandchildren, that seems mean to stop him taking them out on a Saturday etc.

I do question why you can't go on holidays any other time though? out of school holidays you can get a weeks caravan holiday for as little as £100 in the UK, or if you want to stay in a cottage etc you'd be looking at £250+, there are some really good deals to be had if you can go at any time.