AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

Up your hours/get a second job and you can pay for an extra trip.

He sounds like a good dad, if slightly overindulgent. I do think adults should pay for their own holidays, or save up for it if they don't have enough. I'd be embarrassed to have my parent pay for all my holidays if I was a responsible earning adult.

I'm on the fence on this one, but as you have no mortgage £3.700 is a good income.

Did you move into his Council house - that he shared with his late wife and daughter ?

or did he move into your council house ?

How many bedrooms are there ? if it was his family home it could be 2 or 3 bedrooms, you could suggest downsizing and moving into a one bedroom flat / bungalow.

this would reduce outgoings as the rent should be cheaper and the Council tax would be lower.

You also complain about there only being one car, why is there only one car - how many cars did you both have when you met / married ?

I'd want to know why this apparently clever young woman can't get a better, or at least a better-paid job. I appreciate that she has responsibilities towards her children, but earning income to support them is one of those responsibilities.

She should be paying her way, not getting free holidays every year. Parents don't owe their children these things.

He likes to treat his grandchildren, which is normal and I'm not sure this will change.

Looking at the dates she must've been pregnant at around the same time as graduation. So never really worked without kids

I'd want to know why this apparently clever young woman can't get a better, or at least a better-paid job.

Presumably that applies even more to OP who works part time even though she has no child care responsibilities? Solo parenting of two children below school age needs flexibility unless the job is sufficiently well paid to allow for a lot of childcare.

I can see where you're coming from with this, but if they did separate finances, and the DH continued to pay generously for his daughters trips etc, he won't have much disposal income left for himself, leaving the OP to either not do much because her DH can't afford his share, or alternatively pay her DH's share. Either way, the OP is still subsidising the situation.

Your husband sounds lovely.

If you want more money, the obvious answer is for you to do more hours.

Quite a lot of detail in your first post OP.
Aren’t you concerned that this is an open forum and your family situation is easily recognisable to anyone who knows you?
If I were your step-daughter I’d be absolutely furious at having my private business splashed online.

Yes, her dad is. He'd rather spend "spare" money on his daughter than his wife.

My lifestyle will always take a hit because I am a parent, so I work full time to be able to match this

My child happiness is also my own. I will go with less so my child can have more, this makes me happy and how many parents are

You are in a relationship with a man who has the same values, its down to you to either accept that or move on

So he pays for 3 holidays for his daughter and her children, 2 of which is just for them.

If I read the post right you and him only go on day trips?

I can see why you're peeved but if he pays for them (not you) there's not a lot you can do if he's unwilling to change what he's doing.

How can anyone think that swimming lessons are extravagant? A few quid a week to give a child a life skill that could potentially save their lives.

Work more and pay for your own holiday.

If your husband wants to spend his money on his daughter and grandchildren that is his prerogative.

If you were on your own earning £1200 a month you wouldn't be going on holiday either.

She is paying her way. The Ops partner isn’t paying her rent or bills, he’s inviting his daughter and grandchildren on holidays and outings because he loves them and wants to make memories with them.

@Loisy You seem to be getting a pretty good deal in life. If you weren’t with your partner you would be having to work full time to pay your own rent and bills and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday yet because you live with this man you’re able to only work three days a week even though you have no childcare responsibilities or dependents and you’re getting taken on multiple holidays a year.

Totally agree with this.

The OP has married into a family.

My partner has children and grandchildren and I’m ecstatic when I’m included in their family stuff but I don’t expect to be. I really like it when he does stuff with them that doesn’t include me because I understand that their relationship has its own momentum and needs space to breathe and grow.

I also have adult children and love doing things with them and for them without my partner.

My DM did for me when I was 23. I can imagine accepting now for someone to cover my accommodation in an Airbnb or something, but definitely not the flight.
However, I'm not a single mother.

Sorry OP but the fact that you only work 3 days changes things for me a bit. Your husband is working full-time and earning double what you are, so any shortfall actually comes from your side and not his.

His daughter is a single mum with 2 young children, which likely means she cannot work full-time at the moment. Is there a reason why you can't?

You husband (and you) sound like you are the only support his daughter has since she has lost her mum and her children's father is not in the picture, I think it's more reasonable that you increase your hours/change jobs than that he steps back from that role for his daughter so you can have some extra spends while only working PT.

It is time he let his daughter pay for her own holidays. I would pay for the swimming lessons and lunch on a Saturday but not a penny more. You need to tell him that you deserve a decent standard of living too. Start organising things for both of you to do, if he says he can't afford it tell him to get his head out of his backside.

You can't complain about the two holidays you take her and the children on as that seems to have been made a tradition. You say you don't get away much, my parents lived in a council house and were lucky to get one holiday a year, two holidays sounds great but if you are struggling then maybe dropping taking them all for one needs to be looked at.
I think you need to maybe encourage her to save for her Spanish holidays and go every two years, paying for 3 holidays is far too much. As for the cafe dates etc, I don't think thats too bad, but with my parents I would alternate, so if I take my dad out one week he'd buy the lunch, then I'd buy it because its just fair as an adult isn't it?

Me too. Outrageous. And as for dumping them in the water (the med perhaps?) to swim instead, words fail.

Edit - words were failing ...

But they're married so the money is joint, no? Even if they have separate accounts, if he spends all the money on his daughter it's less for the two of them.

I have seen now that OP works part time, but maybe she's near retirement age.