AIBU to feel really unsettled after finding condoms in my 15 year old’s room

[ByWittyUser]

I’m 45, DH 47, we have 3 boys (15, 13, 10). Our eldest is in Year 11 doing GCSEs this year, revising loads, predicted very good grades and wants to do medicine. Always wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. He’s honestly a good kid and we’re very proud of him.

I’ll be honest though, we’ve probably babied him a bit and I do think he can come across a bit entitled at times. He’s at an all boys private school (which I sometimes question socially, though academically it’s been great) and between schoolwork and hockey I just assumed he didn’t really have time for anything else.

Yesterday I went into his room to put clean washing on his bed and noticed his bedside drawer was slightly open… I know I shouldn’t have but I looked. I found condoms.
I feel completely thrown. He’s 15. We have had the talk and he’s always said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, although I suspect there’s been some sort of friends wirh benefits situation I don’t really understand what’s going on half the time!

I’ve previously found earrings in his room and just ignored it. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit naive.

He goes to an all boys school but there’s a girls school nearby and they mix at events the school does dances and balls so they can all interact etc, and apparently he’s quite popular with the girls. DH is very relaxed and says at least he’s being responsible and we shouldn’t say anything.

But I just feel… uncomfortable. I know I can’t stop him, and I know in theory it’s better he’s being safe, but he still feels so young to me and I’m struggling to get my head around it.
Part of me wants to bring it up, part of me thinks I’ve already invaded his privacy and should say nothing. I also don’t want to push him away or embarrass him.

He is also one of the young ones in his year so it just feels even worse he’s not 16 and won’t have turned 16 till after his exams.

🤷‍♀️

What have your ages got to do with anything?

Nothing

Is it not allowed didn’t realise don’t think I can edit

He is 15 . He is a child.
Do you have no control over your child's behaviour.
How is parenting your child invading his privacy?

He's being responsible within the context. You aren't going to stop it.

Well, I think it’s a good thing he’s prepared and seemingly being responsible. He’s not so very young although it can be hard to face up to the fact our babies simply don’t stay babies forever. If you’ve done the leg work re ‘the talk’ etc through the years, and tried to ensure he respects women, what more can you do now?

He’s being responsible at least. I found out after the fact what my dd was up to at that age, they grow up fast.

Just talk to him.

I’m appalled that you think him being safe is a bad thing.

At age 14 I bought my kids condoms as they need to have access before they become sexually active.. Years later they’re still not sexually active active (before anyone suggests I was making them promiscuous). But I wanted them to have access as I didn’t want any teen pregnancies or any STIs.

Op, You really need to get your head out if the sand, stop snooping and start parenting.

I agree he is still a child that’s exactly why I feel so unsettled about it.

But I don’t think “control” is quite the right word at 15. I can set boundaries and guide him. I do think going through his drawers was an invasion of privacy. Parenting doesn’t mean they’re not entitled to some level of personal space especially as they get older.
I suppose that’s where my issue is trying to balance still being his parent, while also recognising he’s growing up and becoming more independent.

And for what it’s worth I’m not comfortable with the idea of him having sex at 15. I’m just not sure what the “right” way to handle this is.

I didn’t say it was a bad thing. I’m glad that if he is having sex he’s at least being careful. I was just a little bit thrown off that’s all. To me he’s still a child. I never go through his stuff this was a one time thing that’s all.

He'll be legal in what.. a few months? There's nothing actually wrong with it, although I understand you might not feel comfortable about it as his mum.

I will speak to him about it.

I don’t want him to feel embarrassed if he is having sex there’s nothing I can do it about it I just want him to be safe and if he is supposedly in a relationship DH and I would like to meet her.

I think at least he is being responsible by having the condoms (even if not actually using them yet). However he is under age and I wonder if / how much he has thought about consent, and suggest you might forward the excellent TVP video on tea and consent which clearly explains it in an easy-to-understand format. Best that he ensures he is in a consensual relationship when he does.
I suggest just ask if he's seen this yet, and send him the link, I do know it does the rounds at school (we are TVP area)

You’re right that’s pretty much what DH said.

I think for me it’s just a bit of a shock, he’s still a child I don’t want him to rush to grow up but nothing I can do about it realistically.

It’s so tricky. Just a slight suggestion that if you do talk to him about it, maybe don’t assume it’s a girlfriend. My friend had a similar situation and had a long involved talk about pregnancy and then it turned out it was a boyfriend. She just assumed (fairly - it’s more likely!) but then she just felt even more awkward about it.

It might just be curiosity too - I know my friends and I were interested in all that before it was actually relevant. We dared each other to buy them when we were about 14.

If it's any consolation I understand OP, I feel the same way and my DS is 23. But he's still a child in my eyes!

Yes we have shown him this video when we had the talk with him and I think he’s also been shown it at school but I’ll send it to him as consent is important.

That’s mainly why I want to speak to him about sex as if he is having sex I want to make sure he understands consent.

I think that’s what I’m worried about he is underage and I would have hoped that he’d wait before having sex and he hasn’t mentioned being in a relationship so I’m just worried he’s having sex with multiple people.

It’s frustrating that DH isn’t too fussed just says it’s what boys his age do and as long as he’s being safe and it’s consensual what’s the issue. I still see him as a little baby I guess I have to get used to my son growing up.

You should talk to him to ensure he understands consent and the sort of problems that can arise having any sort of sexual relationship during these years where he may be over the age of consent and the other person under it, or one of them is over 18 and the other isn't. And ensure he knows the risks of sending and receiving nudes in this context. That's all the really life ruining stuff. Followed by pregnancy and STDs which I'm sure he does already understand if he's using condoms.

I'm sure it's a shock but at 15 he's a pretty standard age to become sexually active so you just need to help him make smart choices and feel comfortable talking to you.

A 15-year-old boy is NOT a child. The sooner you admit that, the better off you’ll be. If he walked out your front door right now, the police wouldn’t even return him to you (as long as they could check on him and he was safe).

I think you’ve missed the point I was trying to make there but okay

No, I got the point. You said he was “just a child” in four separate comments; I have no idea if you’re actually in denial about him growing up, but I was sharing this based on all the parents I know who didn’t gracefully let their children grow up. It sounds like you do genuinely care, so I imagine it’s not the type of person you’d want to be.

I think you need to have a talk with him . If he is only 15 , he needs to make sure his partner, boy or girl , is not underage or illegal. Does your DH feel comfortable talking to him if you aren't. It is a bit of a shock which is why being a parent if adults is strange . My daughter is getting married and yet I remember teaching her how to use a spoon . 😁

Yeah, he’s not a child, he’s a teenager and in a few months he will be legal and allowed to get married.

The facts he is being safe with condoms is a good thing.

My sons were given condoms at school, during sex ed. Around Year 9 from memory.

(I told them they should practise and get comfortable using them before they even thought about actual sex with a person. Trying to open one and put it on for the first time one handed, urgently and possibly in the dark is asking for trouble IMO.)