AIBU to feel really unsettled after finding condoms in my 15 year old’s room

[ByWittyUser]

I’m 45, DH 47, we have 3 boys (15, 13, 10). Our eldest is in Year 11 doing GCSEs this year, revising loads, predicted very good grades and wants to do medicine. Always wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. He’s honestly a good kid and we’re very proud of him.

I’ll be honest though, we’ve probably babied him a bit and I do think he can come across a bit entitled at times. He’s at an all boys private school (which I sometimes question socially, though academically it’s been great) and between schoolwork and hockey I just assumed he didn’t really have time for anything else.

Yesterday I went into his room to put clean washing on his bed and noticed his bedside drawer was slightly open… I know I shouldn’t have but I looked. I found condoms.
I feel completely thrown. He’s 15. We have had the talk and he’s always said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, although I suspect there’s been some sort of friends wirh benefits situation I don’t really understand what’s going on half the time!

I’ve previously found earrings in his room and just ignored it. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit naive.

He goes to an all boys school but there’s a girls school nearby and they mix at events the school does dances and balls so they can all interact etc, and apparently he’s quite popular with the girls. DH is very relaxed and says at least he’s being responsible and we shouldn’t say anything.

But I just feel… uncomfortable. I know I can’t stop him, and I know in theory it’s better he’s being safe, but he still feels so young to me and I’m struggling to get my head around it.
Part of me wants to bring it up, part of me thinks I’ve already invaded his privacy and should say nothing. I also don’t want to push him away or embarrass him.

He is also one of the young ones in his year so it just feels even worse he’s not 16 and won’t have turned 16 till after his exams.

I think you’re doing so well to be reflective as a mum, and this is a complex situation. As a mum of two girls, I tried to keep sex discussions on the table and have an open attitude. Consequently they explored with me whether to start having sex with their boyfriends and other issues that came up in relationships. But girls might be more open to it than boys. I’ve always tried to have an open, non- judgmental approach and they told me they could discuss anything with me. I think opening a gentle discussion with your son is the way forward and giving him a forum for thinking about things without judging is best.

She’s just setting the scene. Why be so obstinate?!

Teenagers have been having sex at this age since time immemorial. Its natural, and they absolutely are mature enough for it.

I would feel unsettled too OP - it’s a huge shift knowing/thinking your child is having sex.

It is good he has condoms - however, my view is that 15 is still young and it’s important you speak to him, especially about consent and the law.

Guess we have to disagree and OP appears to not be keen on it either.
The time immemorial argument isnt a great one for me. Teen pregnancies have also been going on for millennia. Yes, he is using condoms, but they can fail. No need to give him a medal for that

What would you do if this was a daughter rather than a son?

And creepy. Almost fell off my chair when I read it.

The age when teenagers having sex seems get younger every decade

For the last 30 or 40 years, the age at which teenagers start having sex is getting older with each generation, not younger.

Millennials and Gen Zs, on average, lose their virginity later than their parents' generations did.

What happened to me was I was unloading the drier and ended up with a condom in my hand ! I was like eew. I didn't mention it

I’m a millennial and half my year were at it in year 11. It could be because we lived rurally and we had naff else more to do. I can’t speak for the younger generation though.

He's being responsible, and it doesn't necessarily mean he's using them. I bought some at his age, it was years later before I actually lost my virginity though. I'm really open with my kids so I'd probably just ask if they had any serious relationships going on or something, to see if a conversation would be started, though I wouldn't say I'd found their condoms.

15 year old boys keep condoms in bedside drawers for lots of reasons, and being sexually active with a girl is only one such. It could be a hangover from sex ed. class, a determination to be prepared, curiosity, bravado buying them when with his friends, bravado stealing them with friends, an opportunity to acquire them without embarrassment such as being at a vending machine when no-one else is around, a preference for posh wanking, or just wanting to give the impression he's sexually active - which for a virgin teen can be extremely compelling.

Leave him to it.

And until those few months are up, anyone those few months older can be charged with statutory rape if they have sex with him. Whether or not you think there's anything wrong with it is irrelevant - that outcome can happen and it needs explaining to him. It's brilliant, mature, responsible and considerate that he's using condoms to prevent pregnancy and STDs, but it's still a conversation that needs to be had. Sex is very rarely a one-dimensional, single-issue thing.