AIBU to feel really unsettled after finding condoms in my 15 year old’s room

[ByWittyUser]

I’m 45, DH 47, we have 3 boys (15, 13, 10). Our eldest is in Year 11 doing GCSEs this year, revising loads, predicted very good grades and wants to do medicine. Always wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. He’s honestly a good kid and we’re very proud of him.

I’ll be honest though, we’ve probably babied him a bit and I do think he can come across a bit entitled at times. He’s at an all boys private school (which I sometimes question socially, though academically it’s been great) and between schoolwork and hockey I just assumed he didn’t really have time for anything else.

Yesterday I went into his room to put clean washing on his bed and noticed his bedside drawer was slightly open… I know I shouldn’t have but I looked. I found condoms.
I feel completely thrown. He’s 15. We have had the talk and he’s always said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, although I suspect there’s been some sort of friends wirh benefits situation I don’t really understand what’s going on half the time!

I’ve previously found earrings in his room and just ignored it. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit naive.

He goes to an all boys school but there’s a girls school nearby and they mix at events the school does dances and balls so they can all interact etc, and apparently he’s quite popular with the girls. DH is very relaxed and says at least he’s being responsible and we shouldn’t say anything.

But I just feel… uncomfortable. I know I can’t stop him, and I know in theory it’s better he’s being safe, but he still feels so young to me and I’m struggling to get my head around it.
Part of me wants to bring it up, part of me thinks I’ve already invaded his privacy and should say nothing. I also don’t want to push him away or embarrass him.

He is also one of the young ones in his year so it just feels even worse he’s not 16 and won’t have turned 16 till after his exams.

I had condoms in my purse at 15. Didn’t actually have any use for them until I was 17, but I had them just in case.

Ultimately, you aren’t going to stop a teenager having sex, and the fact that he has condoms is a good thing. If he’s having sex, or hoping to, he’s obviously got safe sex in mind.

He isn’t a little boy and he’s going to be over the age of consent in a few months anyway.

15 is legally a child. I would have a talk with him about them as others have said make sure consent is discussed and safe use. I have mixed feelings about the idea of invasion of privacy because he is a minor and your responsibility. Plus i would go in my sons drawers to borrow a pen and stuff like that and he wouldn't mind, if he wanted to hide something im sure he would find somewhere else, so i just dont see it like that but i guess others do. On balance though in year 11 he can only be a few months off 16 so I wouldn't be too stressed about this.

Might they have been given to him through a health scheme? When we had sex education I vaguely recall them giving our condoms. Granted most of the lads were at the level of maturity where they just blew them up and inflated them like slimy balloons 😳 so having them doesn't necessarily mean he's actively having sex if that's any small reassurance!

I truly hope by the time your sons had sex education theyd found a better way to demonstrate how to put one on...

Do you know what they used in our sex education circa 1999?

A pritt stick 😳🤣😩 can't say that was the..erm ..best example.

Child marriage is illegal in most of the UK.

As someone that is experienced with boys.i think

A) terrible invasion of privacy
B) boys buy condoms because they think there are getting a shag tommy, reality is sometimes different

They used dildos! I pity the teacher in that room of 14yo boys.

I still thought practising at home with the real thing was important - you want that condom on properly every time!

I feel the teachers pain.

Mine had, what was in theory, a good idea of having an "honest box" where you could anonymously submit ANY questions about sex and the teacher would try and answer.

Some of the questions ..... 🤯😧🫠😳🙃 Jesus Christ.

I'll give you one example.... "What is a rainbow kiss? " (Do not advise googling that one 🤢 and I drws to think how or why they even had heard of it-im going to take a stab in the dark and say probably porn )

And now I shall forever think of it as a 'prick stick' 😬

Probably given them at school during a PSHE talk. Nothing more, nothing less.

Better than a pregnant girlfriend.

The only thing you have said in your OP that worries me is “he’s quite entitled”

I think a very frank conversation about consent is where you need to focus your discussions with him

I don't think 15 is exceptionally young for this behaviour. And it's a sign he's taking responsibility. So I guess you just have to accept he's growing up. Whether you want to ask who his partner is, well I wouldn't go that far but maybe you could find a way to ask. Not sure if you need to though

Don't bring up those specific condoms. You went through his drawers which even if you think you were right to, he will still find intrusive. Have a general conversation about safe sex and relationships, buy him a box of condoms 'for whenever you might start needing them' and leave it there for now until he tells you he's actually got a girlfriend.
15 is by no means too young to be having a sexual relationship (assuming parity of age and full consent) albeit it's under the age of consent so get your head around that PDQ!

Lol

Well, as an initial pragmatic question, what’s your plausible deniability for having seen them?

If they were lying on top of his socks in an open drawer, you were putting his clean laundry in his room & thought you might as well chuck his socks in where they go & close the drawer…that’s different from squirreled at the back of his bedside drawer which you know perfectly well he regards as personal.

I know in the first scenario, I could have had a conversation with any of my dteens which would have basically gone: ‘I noticed you had condoms in your sock drawer - pleased you’re thinking responsibly, you do know if you ever want to bring anyone home we’d be happy to meet her/him? Obviously I’m a bit taken aback as you’re under age but realistically…we’d prefer you were safe & sensible & not everyone waits until they’re 16. Do we need to talk about consent & stuff again? OK, carry on!’

…& I’d probably have got ALL the information I could have possibly wanted & more - ds in particular is a bit of an over-sharer 😂.

If I’d been obviously snooping though, that’s what the conversation would have been about, with lots of How Very Dare You Mother I’m Never Trusting You Again.

So I would use that as my starting point, & if I couldn’t discuss those particular condoms without the row about privacy, I might have picked some up at the supermarket & casually chucked them at him with the same comments about growing up/welcome to bring anyone he wants to meet us/too young but be safe/consent.

As it turned out, my idiot ex favours the ceremonial presentation of condoms on the 16th birthday, which led into useful discussion of such matters via them moaning about what a twat their dad is. One of them was particularly indignant that he’d failed to notice that she’d been seeing her girlfriend for 6 months, although I did stick up for him on that occasion that in his clumsy way he was probably just trying to, as it were, cover all eventualities.

(Meanwhile there’s been a ‘no questions asked’ box in a cupboard in our family bathroom since forever - all three of mine have at one stage or another pointed out that they would be perfectly capable of buying anything they needed in any supermarket - but well, they’re there).

I wouldn’t worry too much. He’s probably just got them handy to practise with or in the hopes of getting to use them in the future - sensible - or he is indeed sexually active & is being responsible - also sensible.

Okay

It is and I feel awful about that but as well he’s still under 18 so my responsibility and I want to make sure he’s safe and if he is having sex that he knows about consent.

If he is in a relationship it would nice for DH and I to meet them I don’t think it’s right that he’s sneaking people over. We aren’t going to be upset with him over normal teenage stuff.

He’s being responsible, you’ve obviously done something right!

Yes I won’t bring up the condoms I found. I’ll just speak to him generally about sex, consent and let him know that if he is in a relationship he doesn’t need to sneak around, DH and I would love to meet them.

He could have a boyfriend or girlfriend but at least he's being careful. At least he's taking precautions.

Wrong. A 15 year old IS a child in the eyes of the law. Anyone under 18 is a minor.

I hate all the glib “what do you expect at 15?” and “I was doing worse at 15” that always pops up on these threads. The OP is understandably concerned at her CHILD potentially being sexually active. I would be horrified too if I thought my 15 year old was having sex. Some of us have morals and high expectations of behaviour.

15 is still a child both legally and developmentally.
He is not competent to make adult decisions and having sex is an adult decision.
A 15 year old needs parental guidance.
And that applies to boys as well as girls

I think you will be able to raise the subject tactfully. And hopefully you'll get some responses that will reassure you. At that age though, I can't imagine him wanting you to meet his partner, but maybe I'm wrong. I'm just thinking back to how my son was at that age. Anyway, I'm sure it'll be fine.