AIBU to feel really unsettled after finding condoms in my 15 year old’s room

[ByWittyUser]

I’m 45, DH 47, we have 3 boys (15, 13, 10). Our eldest is in Year 11 doing GCSEs this year, revising loads, predicted very good grades and wants to do medicine. Always wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. He’s honestly a good kid and we’re very proud of him.

I’ll be honest though, we’ve probably babied him a bit and I do think he can come across a bit entitled at times. He’s at an all boys private school (which I sometimes question socially, though academically it’s been great) and between schoolwork and hockey I just assumed he didn’t really have time for anything else.

Yesterday I went into his room to put clean washing on his bed and noticed his bedside drawer was slightly open… I know I shouldn’t have but I looked. I found condoms.
I feel completely thrown. He’s 15. We have had the talk and he’s always said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, although I suspect there’s been some sort of friends wirh benefits situation I don’t really understand what’s going on half the time!

I’ve previously found earrings in his room and just ignored it. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit naive.

He goes to an all boys school but there’s a girls school nearby and they mix at events the school does dances and balls so they can all interact etc, and apparently he’s quite popular with the girls. DH is very relaxed and says at least he’s being responsible and we shouldn’t say anything.

But I just feel… uncomfortable. I know I can’t stop him, and I know in theory it’s better he’s being safe, but he still feels so young to me and I’m struggling to get my head around it.
Part of me wants to bring it up, part of me thinks I’ve already invaded his privacy and should say nothing. I also don’t want to push him away or embarrass him.

He is also one of the young ones in his year so it just feels even worse he’s not 16 and won’t have turned 16 till after his exams.

I’m not assuming we’ve seen him with her on the ring door bell.

Personally he’ll always be my child even when he’s 50, my parents still refer to me as their child and I’m in my 40s. I think there’s been a misunderstanding here. Regardless of his age I’m always going to support him and guide him I’m not going to stop guiding him at 15, he still makes mistakes and comes to us for advice all the time just a shame he hasn’t spoken to us about someone he’s seeing whatever gender they are.

Say nothing, do nothing, he is being responsible using condoms. Leave it at that.

Yes to the consent discussion, and also that if any relationship ends be prepared for one distraught DS (and possibly an angry parent of a young woman or man).

I didn’t say that. I think it’s immoral to condone children having sex.

Posh wank?

My mum is 80. She still advises me and I take advice from her. My 20 somethings still take advice from me.

I don't identify with this " He's not a child and you need to back off and let him.make his own mistakes" way of parenting. I guess you don't either.

He’s 15, a child - you and DH need to up your parenting game and have a friendly but serious talk with him!

Teenagers have sex. At least he’s being safe.
He’s not the first and he won’t be the last 15 year old lad to have sex.

To clarify my post above - I don’t mean that he shouldn’t be having sex, but I think responsible parenting involves talking to him about it, given that he is a child. Maybe not if he were 18. But 15, definitely. I know you did already, but it was theoretical then.

They do give out condoms after the sex ed talk in year 10 or 11.

Well we’ve spoken to him it went very well actually and he was glad we spoke to him it was an easier conversation that I thought it would be , he didn’t mind sharing stuff with us and that’s made me feel better. I’m his mum, he’s a minor.

He’s always going to be my child even when he’s 50 my parents still see me as their child, I still go to them for advice all the time and there’s even times they tell me nor do something and I appreciate having great parents who have never stopped guiding me.

He’s a minor. Others can parent how they want but at his age DH and I told our parents about our gfs/bfs. I want our son to be comfortable enough to do that and not sneak someone around.

Anyway we have spoken to him and it went very well.

Children shouldn’t have sex it’s not okay to normalise that. My son is a minor, he is still a child legally and our job as parents is to guide him. He’s said he’s not having sex and I’ve reiterated to him that the age of consent is 16, as well as that, having and sharing nudes anyone under the age of 18 is not legal, DH is a lawyer so he explained it better than me.

This conversation led us to finding out that he does have a girlfriend and was just shy to introduce her but we’ve told him he doesn’t need to sneak her around the house and when he’s ready we would be happy to meet her

Its not immoral.
Just unwise, IMO.

I haven’t used the word immoral at all not sure where that’s coming from

Regardless minors shouldn’t be having sex, I know you cannot stop then but it’s good to remind my son he’s still a minor and actually cannot consent legally consent to sex and there’s laws to protect minors.

DH is a lawyer and has explained to him about sharing/ having nudes of minors is also a criminal offence.

Personally do not think we should normalise minors having sex. I didn’t go to school with boys so I might have had a different view on this if I did. I went to an all girls boarding school, had a bf at 16 but did not have sex till I went to university and I was 18. Things are different now especially with the use of social media.

We had a lovely conversation and he seemed very engaged and was asking DH and I lots of questions and has now told us he has a girlfriend. we’ve told him he doesn’t need to sneak her into the house it’s fine that he has a gf and when he’s ready we’d love to invite her over for dinner and meet her.

Sorry, I have misquoted you. Someone else brought morals into it .I agree there's no need to normalise sex at 15 because everyone is doing it.

I'd be curious about who his girlfriend/partners are but wanting to meet them might be a bit much especially if they are seeing each other casually. She might not want to meet his parents. Maybe if they were in a relationship and 'public' about it I'd be more inclined to ask to meet. I think it's ok to be private about these things

Sorry, just read your last post about him having a gf apologies

He says he has a girlfriend, told us how they met, what school she goes to what alevels she’s hoping to do etc it’s a new relationship.

He shared a lot of information with us without us even asking so I think it’s fair for me to make the assumption that he’s comfortable with us meeting her.

He can be private but I don’t think it’s respectful to DH and I for him to sneak a girl around out house when we aren’t there. We won’t object to him having her over but sneaking around isn’t behaviour that well condone. Each parent is different some might be fine with that and that’s their choice

15 is a pivotal age for boys and girls when it comes to sex. They're very tuned in at that age.
In your shoes I would be checking in with him to ensure he's ok with it all and if he needs additional advice.

good point

Has his father had the man talk with him yet? The age when teenagers having sex seems get younger every decade.

You will have to trust him.

All the best.
😻
X

He's not a child, he's a teenager. Stop trying to baby him. He's being safe. You can't ask fir more than that.

Stop being an overly involved parent. Its unhealthy for you and him.

I understand your thinking in terms of legality and of course because you feel he’s young for his age group but it is also not unusual for them to be having sex at this age.
youre his mum, he’s 15, there’s no harm in saying you found condoms, I would say it to my kids and just ask generally how they are, if they want to talk about it, who it is etc but without any interrogation or panic, keep an open dialogue with teens but respect privacy and boundaries

Could not disagree more. Get involved at this age. 15 year olds are too stupid for sex