AIBU to feel really unsettled after finding condoms in my 15 year old’s room

[ByWittyUser]

I’m 45, DH 47, we have 3 boys (15, 13, 10). Our eldest is in Year 11 doing GCSEs this year, revising loads, predicted very good grades and wants to do medicine. Always wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. He’s honestly a good kid and we’re very proud of him.

I’ll be honest though, we’ve probably babied him a bit and I do think he can come across a bit entitled at times. He’s at an all boys private school (which I sometimes question socially, though academically it’s been great) and between schoolwork and hockey I just assumed he didn’t really have time for anything else.

Yesterday I went into his room to put clean washing on his bed and noticed his bedside drawer was slightly open… I know I shouldn’t have but I looked. I found condoms.
I feel completely thrown. He’s 15. We have had the talk and he’s always said he doesn’t have a girlfriend, although I suspect there’s been some sort of friends wirh benefits situation I don’t really understand what’s going on half the time!

I’ve previously found earrings in his room and just ignored it. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit naive.

He goes to an all boys school but there’s a girls school nearby and they mix at events the school does dances and balls so they can all interact etc, and apparently he’s quite popular with the girls. DH is very relaxed and says at least he’s being responsible and we shouldn’t say anything.

But I just feel… uncomfortable. I know I can’t stop him, and I know in theory it’s better he’s being safe, but he still feels so young to me and I’m struggling to get my head around it.
Part of me wants to bring it up, part of me thinks I’ve already invaded his privacy and should say nothing. I also don’t want to push him away or embarrass him.

He is also one of the young ones in his year so it just feels even worse he’s not 16 and won’t have turned 16 till after his exams.

This must be really hard for you OP. It’s a day many of us know is coming and we probably all feel uneasy about it, but like you say, at least he’s been safe if he is having sex.
I was 15 when my mum came with me to the doctors to be put on the pill. Controversial perhaps but she knew I was seeing a boy. I remember her also picking up some condoms in the supermarket for my brother when he was a similar age and started going to parties etc.
All you can do is have a talk and educate about safety as best you can. They are babies to us but I remember being 15 and thinking I was all grown up

I think the issue is the lack of a steady partner. I think I’d feel perfectly ok with my ds exploring the idea of sex with a gf at that age but very uncomfortable about the idea of random hook ups. That’s so much more risky in terms of whether it’s emotionally sensible or responsible even if he is very sure it’s consensual.

This is super weird

But it's not immoral to have sex?

So he has fwb at 15..wears ear rings and is very popular with the girls..so why has he condoms in his drawer 🤔

Think there’s been some confusion, last I checked he didn’t have his ears pierced and actually hates it as his little brother keeps begging for one of his ears to be pierced we’ve said no for now.

Those earrings were someone else’s earrings he sneaked her into the house when DH and I were out with our other boys. We have a ring door bell we’ve seen her multiple times. It would be nice if he just introduced us to her.

There is a good chance that he bought or was given condoms well before he started actually needing them.

It’s a bit off topic but is there a way to encourage boys to practise using them without it becoming a really awkward conversation? At 17 I had a (much older) boyfriend who was appalling at putting condoms on. Now that I am much older, I wouldn’t have stood for it but I was nicer / less assertive when I was 17. It is the boys job to not only use condoms but also to know how to use them.

They give out condoms for free all over the place to teens..he could've got them from school or clinic or GPs office. Would you rather he was unprepared or unwilling to take responsibility for contraception should anything sexual start happening?

At 15 I remember getting seemingly hundreds of flavoured condoms from Brook. I wasn't quite having sex yet but thought it made me look cool to be prepared?! And it was always taught to use them.

I imagine they encourage boys to learn how to put them on properly before they necessarily start having sex. I remember we had bananas in science class!

It didn't mean I started having sex any earlier or with more unsuitable partners. In fact I don't think hardly any ended up used for their intended purpose!

I think this is what you have a discussion with him about rather then you finding condoms because you went into his drawers.

FWIW he probably thinks you might make a big deal of having a gf/someone on the go (they might not have labelled it yet) especially as a GCSE year.

My first long term bf (we were 15/16) his mum banned him from having a gf as it was his GCSE year.......all it did was make him sneak around with me for the first 5 months. Ironically I made him revise and would test him with his flash cards/revision!

Weirdly - and I’m in my 50s - we also had an honest box ( in sex ed in a convent school in Ireland) and the exact same question was asked!! No idea how anyone had heard of it then - I haven’t heard the phrase since until now!!

He won't be able to get married. The law changed in 2023 - no-one can get married until they're 18, even with parental consent.

Not true just need to drive to Gretna Green! You can still legally get married at 16 in Scotland and in NI with parental consent.

I didn’t say I was going to mention finding condoms? For all we know he might not be having sex. I have no issue with the condoms it’s just more so that he has been sneaking a girl round to which I’m assuming they have been having sex. I do not know this girl, I don’t know her age or anything so I’d like to remind him the age of consent is 16, he’s not yet 16, I know 5 months doesn’t seem like a lot but he needs to be reminded the age of consent and about sharing nudes as it is child pornography and that is a crime to even have your photos on your phone. They’ve had all this from school and we’ve previously talked to him about it but I’d like to remind him.

I am going to speak to him about consent and being safe and I’ll mention to him if he does have a gf it would be nice if we can meet her. Personally I don’t want my son to feel as though he needs to sneak around or be ashamed at liking a girl. I’d just like to remind him of STDs and teen pregnancy. If he is having sex then I’m glad he’s taking protection seriously.

He's not a child, and you need to change your thinking - he is practically an adult. it's common for 15 year old to have sex. it's good he plans to use protection, but you need to make sure he knows about consent. and if he does have a partner (could be male, you're being very presumptuous), you don't 'need' to meet them. It's up to your son to make that decision.

He is a minor I think you’re misunderstanding what I mean. I may have not explained it properly but DH still sees him as a child legally he’s a lawyer and knows what that constitutes.

We’ve had the conversation and he says he is a child and it’s our job to still guide him we aren’t going to tell him not to have sex, we don’t control him but we’d like him to be cautious of consent, he goes to an all boys school, as well as that we’d like for him to stop sneaking the girl around, it’s fine if he is in a relationship, he can invite her over we have no issue with that.

This is my first time experiencing this and hopefully I do better with my other sons. I had a bf in year 11, 2 weeks in my parents had already met him, same with DH his first girlfriend was at 16 and he introduced her to his parents pretty soon after. I just feel like we’ve gone wrong somewhere if our son feels as though he can’t mention a girl he is seeing.

Sneaking a girl into your house without your knowledge is not very respectful of him.

I often find myself completely against the majority opinion on MN and this is one of those times. But I am from a different culture and glad I am.

It's not common to have sex at 15 in my culture and I would not be ok with this. No doubt posters will tell me I dont know what my kids are doing. Ok. But I do.

I did not know that, thanks - I'm normally careful about confusing England with the UK as a whole!

Yep, can join the Army at 16, get married at 16, have sex at 16. In a matter of months you'll have to let him be.

I can understand why it makes you feel a certain way from a parents perspective. However he's 15, you won't stop him and at least he's smart enough to take responsibility for his own (and his partners) sexual health. I would ask Dad to speak to him and make sure he knows the law and he knows how to use a condom properly to avoid it splitting and also for him to fully understand the consequences if it did split as it is out of his hands at that point.

I don't think this is particularly strange. I was in year 11 when I had sex and it was fairly common. He's being responsible. He's doing loads of school work and predicted good grades and he's a nice kid. You're being ridiculous!
Of course realising your child is sexually active is uncomfortable but it's also normal.
Sounds like you've done a nice job raising him, trust him to navigate this and let him have some independence.
Be open with him and talk to him about his life.

Well tell him he won't be a child soon? Interesting you are still assuming it's a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

Please do have the consent chat though. Again and again and again.
I already talk to my boys about consent - obviously not in a sexual contact but we talk about 'my body my choice' asking before we hug etc and being okay if someone says no. Equally respecting them if they say no etc.

I also work in a similar field to your husband and honestly he sounds like a nice boy but he's growing up and you have to respect that

You can’t get married at 16 in England they changed the law unless you’re in Scotland

If a 15 year old is having sex then it’s better that they are doing it safely