Should I ask my DS and his girlfriend for money

[DiaryofWimpy]

My DS2 has moved his girlfriend in with her 2 cats.

Obviously it’s another person using the washing machine,,TV, gas and electricity they are both 22 and don’t work but get benefits.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable asking them for money?

I suffer from anxiety. It's crippling. I'm on medication and I have had therapy. It's in response to a specific set of life events that happened to me. Does that clarify better?

I did not say beyond help at any point - please don't put words into my mouth. I just don't like seeing anxiety being written off as nothing.

In my town a reasonable room for 2 lodgers, small double room, shared bathroom, bills included is minimum £500 per month. Start there. Food and pets are extra.

Not at all unreasonable (although I now see there are some mental/work issues) . My son and his gf may move in with me. I’d love it, but I said they would need to contribute because of the extra utility bill usage (and I would lose my discounted council tax), and they buy their own food. No rent as I am mortgage free and they want to save. His response was, of course mum. He understands he has to pay his way.

Yes, because it's not working for you perhaps has clouded your thoughts as to if it would work for these two 22 year olds.
We don't know if they are getting any help, beyond medication but I think society owes it to people who are struggling to try and get better. I don't think accepting it 'as their lot' is helpful, without at least trying to help and the 22 year olds help themselves too.

My mum suffered too from anxiety, quite bad with mum, she had therapy, hypnosis, meds, she tried the lot, it was pretty much in control of her. My partner too to an extent. But they worked.

What happened to anxiety sufferers in previous generations?

I'll also say this - if the son is on lwcra he's probably getting extra benefits for other conditions as well as anxiety. It's not easy to get - and the fact that the OP "thinks" he has anxiety is pretty astonishing in my view.

If you don't want someone in your home - you tell them. If you want a contribution towards bills - you tell them.

The way people view others with mental health issues is astonishing in my view

Anxiety =feckless and they should be out litter picking or doing the garden

Try having it.

So there are three of you on benefits claiming you cannot work? Really? You dont think you have shown your son and he has shown his girlfriend that work really doesnt pay. The cheek of them to claim they dont have to pay because you have a new mobile.

I think all of your family need to take a hard look at what is happening here.

I would hazard a guess she's using your ds and you for somewhere to stay for free. Nobody falls in love quicker than.spmeome with no place to stay.
Be prepared for you DS to be heartbroken when this all ends in tears. And by tears I mean his.

What are they/you doing to try and improve your current situations and ailments.

Do you all get outside every day in the fresh air, it’s great for mental health.

Do you exercise out of the home. Walking, running or at home with YouTube classes?

Do you use your brains in stimulating ways. Reading, puzzles, online learning etc?

Are you fueling your bodies with nutritious food? This can do wonders for your brain too.

You need to be letting your son and his girlfriend know that just settling for a life on benefits isn’t ok and they need to be actively trying to improve and better their situation.

They should be actively applying for jobs or doing online course to gain qualifications and knowledge or even volunteering somewhere.

It wasnt something you could get benefits for. The cost is spiralling because lots are jumping on the bandwagon.

Litter picking? Yeah, not great but being out in the garden, their own garden, physical work, fresh air, with nature, sun on their face, what's wrong with that? It can really help lift the soul and to sleep at night, is that such a bad thing for anxiety issues?

Bearing in mind the OP's son in this thread is managing to have a g/f and argue the toss that the OP has bought a new phone when asked to contribute to the household bills and the OP not really being sure if he has anxiety at all?

Thank you. There is the answer. Remove benefits for such things. Just have UC.

It is a joke! I get heartily sick of people like this gaming the system with the 'anxiety' issue. Its clearly very easy to get and there was a survey the other day saying the vast majority of GP's havent refused sick notes for people claiming MH issues. It spoils it for the rest of the people that are suffering from genuine MH issues.

What on earth are they doing all day?? And as others say - the next bit will be 'Oops - I have fallen pregnant. We did take precautions and its not our fault.

Exactly. It’s like they’ve all resigned themselves to it. What a life just sat around doing nothing with very little money.

Any children of the son and his girlfriend are likely to follow the same pattern as they parents and grandparents.

If you are in receipt of benifits do you have to inform them that you are receiving money from your DS and his GF?

Same if claiming single person residency with the council.

3 working age adults all on taxpayer funded benefits! Really dismal outlook for this country.

Excellent post and questions @TeenToTwenties I see young people really struggling and winning against these kinds of things. And they are all the more proud of their success - the positive reinforcement really helps them. Not just sinking into failure.

Generally, the late teens/early 20s is a time of acute mental anxiety about one's place in the world, about one's future, about one's personality - it's a tough time of not being quite independent of one's family, but wanting to go out and make something of one's life. Anxiety about these things is a normal part of becoming an adult: we shouldn't pathologise it. We're infantilising young people. I am sceptical of the "I have anxiety" - well, anxiety about what, specifically?

If the OP's son is adult enough to have a committed relationship & the care of 2 cats, he and his girlfriend are adult enough to do something about their situation - if medical referrals are difficult, there is always self-help in the form of regular exercise, volunteer work, seeking out support groups, living a regular life: getting up at normal hours, sleeping normal hours (ie practising for the working day), doing the housework, doing volunteer work, and so on. Making whatever contribution theuy are able to make. Not just sitting on their arses all day.

Jesus wept!!!!!

They both have anxiety so they can’t work!! This is all over the news Op. So many youngsters with anxiety, everywhere you turn.
I’m on anti anxiety meds but manage to hold down a highly stressful full time job, plus look after a family.

Sometimes these kids just have to get on with it. They can’t not work all their life.

I think you need to be firmer with them and tell them they need to get into the workforce.

I despair!

My DD is at university studying a taxing subject yet still wants to go out there and work to earn her way. I would say I’ve brought her up with a good work ethic.

Unfortunately, to put it bluntly, your DS hasn’t had that and is copying behaviour.

So many people not working. No wonder the country's screwed.

Exactly.

Not going to work or even try to work. They will have nothing to do other than accidentally fall pregnant and make a whole new generation of anxiety ADHD people sat at home on benefits.

And yet you are encouraging your son to have the same life.

He's young ffs. People with MH issues can and do work; you should support him to look for a job that he can do even if part time.

It’s the system that allows this .
there should be an obligation to at least do some voluntary work or training, together with regular meetings for updates and support.
And these are 22 year olds who are at risk of long term unemployment , and a life on benefits. Bad for them and unaffordable for the country.

I would say I was left wing, but its posts like these that could easily turn me the other way and I don’t like it!!!!