Should I ask my DS and his girlfriend for money

[DiaryofWimpy]

My DS2 has moved his girlfriend in with her 2 cats.

Obviously it’s another person using the washing machine,,TV, gas and electricity they are both 22 and don’t work but get benefits.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable asking them for money?

🩷

i fully agree!!

I didn't get a sanction. You clearly didn't read my post.

By the way. I worked for decades before going on UC. Don't bother telling me I was "lucky" to get a sanction or lecture me on timekeeping when I didn't actually get one and you have absolutely no idea what what I was dealing with in my life at that point as well.

However it's completely acceptable for people going to meet their work coach to be sitting waiting for up to twenty minutes - because they are running late.

There's a huge difference between being bipolar and having generalised "anxiety."

I used to work with someone who was bipolar - they could be a pain sometimes as they could be unreliable & unpredictable, but they kept working. When they were healthy, they were amazing!

And a big up and to all the PPs on this thread who keep on keeping on. I salute you!

I always thought that's what benefits were for, paying for living expenses.

OP re. DS - a very good cure for anxiety is a good sense of humour - that has seen me through many disasters - and I do mean very bad things. There can usually be an ironic side to most things.
Don't let the bastards get you down!
Has DS considered the army? He might adore it! - I understand defence is being strengthened - so may be jobs there.
Force positivity onto them and things like going for runs at 6am/cold showers etc!! They need a regime at their age. OR they may just move out.
Don't get too attached to the cats.

Yes that's right. All you need to cure anxiety is a sense of humour. Cold showers and 6 am runs will cure you

While I agree I don't think its something that the government are interested in doing, why would they be?

They really aren't in office to be bothering with those that don't agree with their policies, they have nothing to lose by continuing to let generation after generation follow suit, come a time though those cheating the system will put the blame on how their lives turned out on those that sat by and let it happen, accountability for those is also dying out.

Same with those parents that know their DC are capable but make excuses for them, they know no different.
From someone that's now in their later years I've seen it coming over the last 30 or so years years.

We pretty much must all know of a family/families that cheat the system.

I would imagine they have toughened up enormously. I am on Universal Credit (but not looking for a job due to serious illness). Even with me, they are constantly asking for 4 months of bank statements, council tax bills and (rather bizarrely), I keep having to send them my rental contract even though all my bank statements and council tax bill show my address has not changed and that I pay the rent every month. They treat all claimants like we are trying to claim fraudulently even in cases like mine when they have the proof that I have always been 100% open and honest.

Based on the way they have treated me, I would assume they demand detailed evidence of job search activities and interview each claimant in depth about what they are doing to look for work.

You have to update your journal. They expect a 5/6 day updated journal showing what you've been doing to find work and can ask for evidence

It's not been my experience that they treat everyone as if they were claiming fraudulently but it's nothing like the old JSA

They'll only get £500 a month in UC as an U25 couple (unless they've been found to be too unwell to work or look for work), so that would leave them £100 each to feed and clothe themselves, buy toiletries etc. I daresay it's doable, but it would be tight.

But it's not your responsibility to house and feed 2 adults, OP!

Agree with this. I knew when people were asking if OP works herself the answer would be no - this situation seems to arise way more frequently when young people have no example set for them of an adult working.

I've worked with several people with bipolar/GAD /both. It's hard yes but it's absolutely possible to work.

I suspect this lad has no example to follow to understand that life costs money.

She didn't post to get advice about her bipolar or working

The OP has also said her son gets other benefits. I assume he's been assessed as unfit to work

Are they going to look for work at some point or just waste their whole lives.
How long were they in a serious relationship when they decided to live together, if it was under a year it might not last that long.

Yes, because they are working! The same as when you go to the doctor’s you may have to wait 20 minutes because they’ve overrun with their previous appointment.

"Anxiety" is a very imprecise diagnosis. I've worked with clients whose anxiety is so severe that they can't interact with anyone they don't know without showing clear signs of being extremely anxious, eg, shaking, sweating, going very pale and being unable to communicate effectively.

It can be an awful lot more than just being generally worried. And I don't think anyone would get through the capability for work assessment if they were just generally worried. But yes, if they're generally just a bit nervous, it's taking the piss.

Anything else you would like to say to me? I mean your attitude has come across loud and clear that you think I deserved a sanction - when the decision maker thought otherwise.

So if you are ok with paying for 3 people’s water, electric, gas, heating etc then crack on. I have been in this situation so I’m going to say it plainly. Do NOT enable this and that is what you are doing. Throw them both out ( I wish someone told me this years ago). How dare they. This has brought back memories and made me angry at how weak and used I felt. Please for your own sanity make them pay at least £700 a month or thrown their lazy arses out.

For goodness sake. She's asked them for a contribution and they are giving it. People under 25 on UC get 316 pounds a month unless they are on disability benefits too. Why should her son be thrown out?

Well no, she’s not happy with that. That’s why she started this thread and, since starting it, has asked them for a contribution.

No you’re right. I have no idea what you were dealing with.

I have been on anti-depressants for coming up to 20 years and have worked full-time throughout. At one point - for 4 years - I had two jobs. The bills had to be paid and the kids needed funding. So I’ve soldiered on throughout.

I do understand our lives are different though.

Yes charge them and make sure they do their fair share around the house. Their entitlement to benefits might change as they now live with you , have they reported a change in circumstances? I would set a time limit on them living with you, maybe 3 months to sort out their issues, get jobs and move out otherwise they might be there for the rest of your life, especially if she gets pregnant. Im sorry but I think she has seen your son coming, is she there because she wants him or because he has offered her a way out of her previous relationship and a ready made home. You need to let them know they cannot take liberties and they need to live by your rules. Nobody would take over my house. If you’re not careful you will soon feel like a lodger in your own home. Take control.

Is the household just you and the two of them?

I'd sit down and have a chat about the full household responsibilities. Include the breakdown of the household bills, chores and other responsibilities. They are both adults and they need to be adults in the household even though one's your child.

I know they're not working but the assumption from the benefits system is still that adults will be paying their way in a household. It doesn't mean splitting the costs 3 ways but it does mean them knowing exactly what you're paying out.

They need to learn these things because they can't live with you forever like this.

If they're not working and you are, they could definitely take on more of the household chores and maintenance which aren't impacted by any disability.