Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

It's pretty appalling that the family photos have come down since the new wife has moved in with your father. A decent woman wouldn't erase her new husband's family like that. Nothing in this entire post makes her sound like a good woman. I hope your father is ok and isn't being taken for a mug by her.

Thank you for the considered response.

No reason given, but then I haven't pushed. I just saw the closed door when retrieving DD from the 5th step and the polite "there's nothing interesting up there" and took the hint that she didn't want us up there. I do find it a bit strange being used to a very open family but people are different. She is "grandma" to DD (obviously I will explain to DD when she's old enough to understand) but I think the upshot is they just won't have as close a relationship with DD as her grandma and grandad on DW's side.

Erm, because this has only been allowed when visiting close family, DW, I and the hosts were with her the whole time, and the hosts clearly did not think it was inappropriate.

Stayed quite a lot after DM passed and DF was on his own. More recently I would visit frequently for lunch and go to the room to chill out. It was pretty much left the same as it was when I lived there permanently.

Yes! Not sure why so many people think she would be left unsupervised in a non-childproofed area.

Thank you! No, I'm an only child. As such I spent a lot of time in my bedroom! I said it was a "safe space" in the OP and I would often go up for a little bit when my parents had visitors as I found it a bit exhausting and I'm happy in my own company.

Yeah, not even raised the question of inheritance and I'm not sure I can. I'm sure my DM would have wanted me to have her half of what belonged to the family, but by default, everything will go to my DF's wife assuming she lives longer, unless DF says otherwise in a will.

I understand how you feel but yabu sorry. I shared a bedroom with my sister so it became hers when I left home. I haven't been in there for a very long time.

I imagine there's a lot of my stuff and possibly my mum's in the loft. But I'd need enter into a room I'm not welcome in to get access. No idea about my dad's will and I'm not sure how to ask without it appearing manipulative.

Yep, fully aware I need to work through my own feelings of attachment to my old room. The other part is the closed door policy, which feels unwelcoming and a bit passive aggressive. Maybe it's normal in some household but that's never been the case with close family on either mine or DW's side.

How about a chat with your dad about taking some of your own and your mum's things with you? Stress the bond with your mum rather than mentioning valuables. Has he actually told you not to go there? If not, did he overhear his wife saying it? "Nothing interesting there" is quite low key and not a big red No Entry, Ever sign.

I'd actually be quite concerned about your dad - he wouldn't be the first elderly man to quickly enter a new marriage and get financially and/or emotionally fucked over. Being married means that she has full power over his medical decisions too if he is incapacitated. She could put him in a care home and is under no obligation to tell you where he is. You really, really need an honest chat with him. Father and son day out/short trip in between where you both live? (I hope he's allowed out alone but if not, that's a good indicator of the necessity of these conversations.)

To DD, everything! She is 2 and building a picture of the world in her mind. She will find things that are meaningless to you or I but fascinating to her. Then she will go back next time we visit and it will all be familiar. Most importantly, she will know that she is safe, free and welcome to explore (yes, with supervision). This is exactly the dynamic we have with DW's parents. With DF and his wife, she will learn that she is not free or welcome and has to be kept from going upstairs and as such will not develop as strong a bond to them as her grandparents on DW's side.

Lovely response and very helpful. Thank you!

Yeah I wasn't sure about the 'cocklodger' comment but also your "AND HER HUSBAND" comment makes no sense. I cannot imagine my DF having any issue with his son or granddaughter seeing the rooms of the house (obviously we would not go in their bedroom). His wife clearly has the issue and it's quite understandable as we don't know her well.

What is the issue with my behaviour please? I took the hint, respected her wishes and immediately picked my daughter from the 5th step and took her back into the living room.

The world doesn’t end because she can’t go upstairs. If they show love to her that will be enough. Children learn that different houses have different rules. I assume most homes which have an office due to WFH will have that as off limits or very restricted access to visiting 2yo.

Most adults like their bedroom to be a private zone. In fact as your DD grows up her room will become her private zone. So in a few years you should be knocking on her door before entering, you will need to be mindful of her private things.

Maybe you should be removing things from the loft that belong to you. You are an adult, you have DC, you are setting up your own family home

I used to love going in my parents old bedrooms as a kid.

My mother had the picture of the man with the baby on her wall and it used to confuse me so much. I remember thinking I was the baby and the man was my dad! But then I couldn’t understand why it was on her bedroom wall because she can’t have still lived there if I had already been born.

It always saddens me when I think of people who no longer have their childhood beds to go to.

@TravelDad the wife probably sees your old room as an extension to their bedroom, so off limits to 2yo. It could also be they chucked stuff up there out of the way of visiting 2yo. Our box room is a bit like that when we have visitors, putting stuff in there, not always tidily, so it’s out if the way and the door is firmly shut

It could also be the rooms upstairs are still being sorted if she has recently moved all her things into the house

I'm not sure op, my mum couldn't wait to turn my childhood bedroom into a guest room as soon as I went to uni at 18. So it really doesn't feel like 'my' room as opposed to another room in their house that they mainly use for storage or if anyone visits.

I kind of see it as being their house so it's up to them what they do with that room but at the same time I understand why you feel weird about being treated like a guest in what was your home.

Now I'm a parent myself I can't imagine treating my son like a guest - it's his home and always will be even if he's bringing a spouse or children with him when he visits and it would feel weird to treat him like it's not his home any more.

Many siblings swap rooms when older sibling goes to uni/leaves home. Think of all the blended families where stepchildren have no room of their own in many homes

Many parents have to sell the family home to downsize.

Not everyone can keep the childhood bedrooms as a shrine for each individual child

When I go to my parents house I treat it as my own. I think that’s pretty standard is it not?

My old bedroom is still my room as far as I’m concerned ! Ha

I think it is good to recognise that it is more their house than yours once you move out and have your own place. Doesn’t mean you can’t relax when you are there

Honestly, I think you have extrapolated a lot from that one innocuous comment.

I would have taken it to mean that they didn't want the toddler roaming about. Alternatively, it could have been a right mess up there. Nothing to do with you and whether or not you are welcome.

Really, why start a thread saying the room is 'off limits' and inviting all sorts of whack opinions when you haven't even asked them if that is the case?!

There is nothing special about your old room and your child will not lose anything important by not going into it. It will be one of many rooms in many houses in the world which she won't get to see. So what?

My dad had an accident when I was 18, so I stayed living at home to help care for him far longer than most young adults do. My childhood bedroom was my room for over 30 years. (My dad lived for 21 years after his accident.) After I moved next door into another property my mom owned, my sister’s friend (who lives with my mother and sister in my childhood home) immediately took over my bedroom and made it into a storage room. It certainly feels odd when I go next door and see my bedroom, with its lovely pale yellow walls and three decades of memories of being my safe place, is now a storage space for my sister’s friend’s rando online candle-selling business.

That being said, I’m a grown-up who can accept that life and time are not static and my bedroom is no longer “my bedroom” in any sense except in my memories.

Your father’s house is no longer your house. Your old bedroom is no longer your bedroom. Your child will be just fine if she doesn’t get to see Daddy’s childhood bedroom. It’s just a room now. You’d be better served showing her old photos or describing your childhood to her.

Just because the rest of your family “isn’t like this” doesn’t mean your father and stepmother don’t deserve privacy and respect of their space.

Your childhood is over. It is time to move on.