Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

Can’t imagine letting a 2yo into an office

Totally agree with this. I can't imagine telling one of my children they can't go and look in their old room.

Its not your house. Accept it.

This.

No, but the OP wanted to show the bedroom, I presume together. So supervised!
Would you have minded the little one in your room if hadn't caused any damage and with an adult? As these situations would be very different.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the upstairs of your family home to not be somewhere you should wander willy nilly, especially with a toddler. Things and uses change and sometimes that means they're no longer places you should be wandering into. And to the new wife you're sort of a stranger, instinctively for her it probably feels like you're going upstairs to be nosey and maybe judgmental. It won't have the echos of when you lived there and it was your everyday, the it will for your father.

Perhaps limiting when and how you look around, emphasising the nostalgia element of it for you, and giving her time to prep will put her more at ease? Ask in advance if it's possible at some point to show dd where you used to sleep, where you climbed out on to the roof, dyed your hair, sat with your dad when you were sick, or whatever. Even if it's changed now. Give the new wife time to move anything she's embarrassed about.

Possibly that will get her back up further, but if that's the case there isn't much longterm hope.

Try and focus more of your dd's exploration on the more public bits of the house and garden so she still feels at home but doesn't tread on your father's new wife's sense of privacy as much. And if the new wife is receptive, talk to her a bit about good times you had int he house with your parents and tell her you hope she and your dad make great memories there too. So she becomes part of the same story.

Wow. That’s quite a leap - MN batshittery at its best!

She is a CF cocklodger because she AND HER HUSBAND want privacy and to be able to use their house as they like (what with them being married and all) and don’t want a toddler or the OP nosing around?

Perhaps you could list what would be an acceptable use for the room ? I assume you would be happy for someone to do that for your house?

I know that, but if his father's new wife won't even allow him to go upstairs in his childhood home, I doubt she'll be ok with her DH leaving his son/children the house. Anyway, who's to know.

It’s hideously rude to keep on when someone has said no - most people know that by about the age of 10.

I would go mad if someone kept wanging on about it and they had to keep saying no. The kid doesn’t really care, the parent is the one pushing it.

That’s her right and the OPs behaviour isn’t that conducive to a good relationship. If I were the SM and inherited the house, I wouldn’t be inclined to be generous.

Sure. But it’s a wardrobe that used to be his childhood bedroom. Of course his father's wife can prevent access, but it doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t have feelings about the situation. They are actually really understandable feelings, just because they’re ones that can’t be acted upon, doesn’t mean they’re not pretty easy to understand.

Well, obviously… But, you know, people have feelings about their childhood home, just because they’re not ones that you would reasonably act upon doesn’t mean they’re not understandable.

It’s okay to have the feelings but as an adult, he should be able to understand that they don’t have to let him and that asking more than once is intrusive. If the house had been sold would he be knocking on the door asking still? Because either way it’s not his house and he has no right to keep asking

Oh, come on, it’s obviously different to him knocking on the door of a house that has been sold! His dad still lives there. Either way, I don’t think he should do anything about it, but I can understand his feelings.

The child isn’t going to understand the significance of the room - sounds like the OP just wants to see upstairs because apparently they always had unlocked doors when he lived there.

And can he really not understand that the other in-laws may have different rules.

And wtf is ‘slightly on the spectrum’?

Thank you for the kind comment!

YANBU
some people are just so uptight!

I meant updated his will since his marriage

Thank you for your considered reply. Yes I agree that 'suck it up' is the way it has to be.

Well there's a view of normal family interaction that makes you look like a complete loon.

She is always supervised. Other family we visit are basically my in-laws who have an open door policy but we keep DD from messing up their nicely made bed. Then there's my aunties on my mum's side who I used to stay with as a child and had free reign and the same applies to DD. We are a very close family so this new situation is not something I'm used to.

So do you intend to speak to your dad about it?

No way would I expect my children to have free rein of anyone’s homes - even grandparents and our own! Ours were taught from very early on that unless it was the middle of the night or they were invited in our bedroom was off limits as parents! They never went upstairs at family houses as that’s not a public place! When I have grandchildren I will not expect them to go upstairs unless they are sleeping over or they are there for a reason with an adult!

It could be used to store butt plugs, I still wouldn't feel comfortable denying the person whose childhood home it was, access, just because I happen to have married in.

Thank you for the kind reply and for offering that perspective of how difficult it must be for my dad's wife also.

Thinking about it, I think you've hit on why I've found it so difficult - my room felt like the last proper link to my late mum. She never met my DW or DD, never visited where we live now, so she feels very distant in my life as it is now.

Obviously as my dad began spending time with his now wife the family photos came down but my room was still there and I would always find myself gravitating there, even if just visiting for the day. So it's really the abruptness of being in the house but shut out of that room that has hit hard. I think I was just very naive in not anticipating that change but this thread has really helped me work through those feelings.