to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

I think it's appalling when adult children are allowed to wallow under their parents' roof. Unless there are genuine reasons, their parents are absolutely failing them. So much wasted potential and such a sad waste of life for these offspring who fail to launch.

However, I don't recognise this situation in my circles. My DC are late 20s/early 30s and have worked solidly since graduating. Both have their own places. The same goes for my friends' DC on the whole, apart from a couple of PhD students.

My siblings and I were expected to be out earning and contributing financially from about 16, either full-time work or weekend/evening work. My mother's generation were generally told what jobs they were going to do; "There's a job for you at the post office - you start next week." kind of thing. I agree with others that life's just too easy and comfortable at home for some of these young adults.

Has she tried short term options, there are websites that cater to students or logistics and warehouse roles etc. I had a friend who did everything from waitressing , admin, sorting job at the post office through agency work.

Some Charity shops are crying out for volunteers. If a young person is under 16 they probably won't be allowed to use the till but they can learn about other aspects of shop work.

Working at a local Foodbank will give valuable experience. It will also show them what challenges some families are facing.

Age Concern has Befriending Services for Seniors but you'll need to check the age restrictions.

At the end of the day, and rightly or wrongly, young people have a choice, they can adapt to the way world the working world is, or wait for the working world to adapt to their "needs". Those who do the former generally have lot more success and happiness than those who wait vainly for the latter to happen.

@goldenteapot

You have made some strong points about discussions that need to be had and I agree with a lot of your observations but yes, you are insufferably smug.

Life is a like a wheel sometimes - it can change in an instant.

My cousin who lived in a small beautiful home she bought after 2 degrees and in a good, stable NHS job killed herself by suicide.

My sister - undergrad and masters in english lit., working, living independently and published 1 book - had a psychotic breakdown and didn't work for 2 years plus.

My parents were “strict” and raised us all the same but not all kids are
the same and life can hit you and / or your kids from directions that a parent could never expect.

Your smugness is really not the flex you think it is - it’s quite scarily lacking in empathy.

I sincerely hope nothing happens to your DC, the products of your superior parenting. Humility while being grateful is a really good balance in life IMHO.

16-24 is a totally different profile than late twenties. Many of those you would expect to be in full-time education.

The link you've quoted gives a figure of 12.7% of all 16-to-24-year-olds not in employment, education or training (NEET).

For 25-36 year olds, this is just a quick search but it all suggests around 84% are in employment. So your stats are quite a bit off.

I agree with you though that your relatives' children sound really frustrating. I think broadly there are far more young people like your children, but things like tech, parents paying are definitely keeping kids at home longer. I too would be very tempted to cut the wifi off and stop paying for any phone bills if i were their parents!

In my experience, a proportion of these are cases where the parent sabotages or guilt trips the child to stick around either to keep them company or to alleviate their own (often untreated) anxiety. Not all cases are the same.

Yes, but...

I don't blame OP for worrying about this. If her family/friends are anything to go by we've got a massive societal problem coming down the line. A pp mentioned a stat of 50% of young people in this situation - I don't know if that's accurate, but if so - we should all be scared, very scared.

Apart from the mental welfare of the youngsters themselves, this country needs more people to work and pay tax or we can't afford the services we expect.

Money for the NHS, roads, infrastructure etc doesn't come from the fairies.

Anyone who doesn't find this extremely concerning has their head in the clouds.

Yes I think so. I'm not sure what routes she uses to find jobs though, some of the big ones like Indeed are so competitive, I'm trying to get her to source adverts in other places, or send out speculative applications. I worked via an agency many many years ago, but she said the ones she's tried just never get back to her... It's the modern way, it seems. She's also asked for feedback after failed interviews and never once has anyone bothered.

Have a look on doit.life for opportunities locally, or volunteeringmatters.org.uk.

We had higher unemployment in the 90's recession. But these days the highest unemployment age is the younger generation. Reasons cited: mental health, lack of training, job availability.

While yes, there are fewer jobs all round and it's always harder to get on the ladder at times like this, it sounds like there are quite a few who are not in education or actively looking for a job. As a society we need to find out why and help these people.

And, there are jobs around to keep some going. Care sector is always needed people, teachers. Surely it would make sense to have a job while working towards a chosen path than stay at home and lose confidence?

Oh, and I should add - it's bad enough if they're just not working and dossing round the house all day, but if they're also claiming benefits, that's bonkers.

It's a big worry fiscally and in so many other ways..

Our local paper shop still has kids doing paper rounds - that's how our paper arrives each day! As I said earlier, all three of my dses did paper rounds, and the youngest is nearly 30 now!

I don't disagree with you - and I have had my share of unexpected shit shows too. I appreciate your post, though - it's helpful perspective and gives me a bit more patience and empathy.

But there aren’t a lot of paper rounds available.

Irate? Have a warm bath and keep your snout out of other peoples business. might help you to calm down a bit.

That’s an astonishing finding from your circle of friends/family. I don’t understand why people say none of your business - we should all be concerned as these are young people who won’t be paying income tax and in many circumstances will be on benefits. It seems very sad and something has gone wrong!

I have to say I don’t notice it from my own immediate family. Of my nephews/nieces of employment age (late teens /early 20s) they are 1. On gap year working abroad, gaining skills in mining sector 2. Offshore energy engineer 3. About to join the air force 4. Lawyer newly started working in London 5. Electrical engineer on large projects 6. Construction manager 7. Nursing student will def be employed.

I know no young people who are not in work or education. I think your experience is of a particularly small group, most do work, are confident, have ambition, even if they come from well off backgrounds.

In any case it is not your business and you becoming irate over other people's children is quite ridiculous.

It's a mix in my experience. Kids with a good work ethic are more likely to come from homes where parents have a good work ethic (not always of course). My daughters friends who don't work come from families where most are on benefits due to various reasons and they are living off large loans but the idea of working eventually seems to terrify them. We could afford to pay my daughters way through uni but choose not to. She is happy to work the holidays plus it gives her work experience which is always a bonus.

I don't think you should be irate. I think you should be concerned. It's a real problem. If the parents are not concerned, then that's really quite sad and worrying. If you can tactfully express concern and support, then I would do so. If you can't, then I guess you just have to stay quiet! Are sure that the parents are not trying they best they can to nudget their kids into employment? It can be tricky to know what exactly to do for the best and coming down too hard isn't necessarily helpful.

I have to say that what you describe is not my experience at all. My kids graduated this year and last year and therefore I know lots of young people who graduated recently. Very very few are going quickly into graduate jobs. It is genuinely a horrible job market for new graduates at the moment. But all of them are doing at least some paid work and/or voluntary work while continuing to look for a graduate level job. I can't think of a single exception. They may have taken the first summer off, but not beyond that. Or they may have worked hard for 6 months after graduating to earn money and then taken the opportunity to travel, which I have no problem with either, especially as this age group were restricted pre or during university due to covid.

Why is work "terrifying" to them?

Where was disabilities mentioned?

Why do some posters try to shoehorn in disabilities when it is abundantly clear it has no relevance to a particular thread?

Did any of these failures to launch play sport op? (Or other posters with similar stories?). My dc are younger but I look at their sports and feel it teaches them so much resilience. You need to pick yourself up and get back in the game. You take a knock, you take a deep breath and get back in the game. Your team is losing, you keep fighting. You need to try out to get in and you don’t always get in or get the team/level you wanted (in some teams/comps) you miss a shot, you try again. In aths and cross country there’s only you and it hurts and you push harder. In surfing you paddle back out and try for another wave. This all seems like such excellent resilience training to me.

It is insufferably smug and it’s also really quite unpleasant towards parents of autistic children.

i used to teach autistic teens and they really do face additional challenges in the jobs market. Some were non-verbal (so didn’t talk at all) and used assistive communications.

what is it with people having a go at autistic people?

Agree about the job market . Dd2 is 25 , has had two full time jobs since she left uni ,moved from a full time 0 hours contract to a full time fixed contract and only a few weeks before her 25th birthday did she secure a role in her field of study . The job market is tough and they really need to put themselves out there . Rent is also very expensive in some areas compared to salaries. She’s staying in her bf council flat , and dd1 is renting with her bf and his brother as it’s the only way she could afford to move out .
I do think it’s hard even when they put in the effort. Sometimes I will send food over for them as we are three at home and I still struggle to cook for less people , just to help them out . (Dd1 lives nearby and dd2 works near OHs place of work).