To think all these mothers bragging about working full time are just using their own mothers as unpaid childcare?

[Ruddeo]

I came to this realisation recently after years of being made to feel like a lazy piece of shit by them, because I had my first child when I was 16 and didn’t have a job until they went to school and this is part time.

Once you dig beneath the surface of the full time job, the active social life and weekends, 9 times out of 10 there’s a tired exhausted grandma who just wants some rest!

It’s more a potato field than a chip! But yeah lots of excuses. No one made her have a child young or before her career was established

My mum lives 100’s of miles away and my MIL still works herself so no free childcare for me! I pay like most people do. I very rarely talk (or boast!) about working full time, only if someone directly asks me. It’s not that interesting to me plus lm usually busy talking about and doing other stuff

We use paid childcare, compressed hours, and a highly enthusiastic Nana who does a day with him, the odd weekend overnight or afternoon.

She'd be very offended by the idea that he's a burden, or that she can't handle it.

Of course there are exploited grandparents, but the MN idea that all parents are ungrateful demanding brats and that grandparents don't enjoy looking after the kids in their own right doesn't chime with my experience at all.

They're all desperate to get their hands on the kids by themselves!

My Mum has passed away and not in touch with mother in law. I used paid childcare. How dare you ! 😢

Another thing. If your friends also had kids in their teens then surely their own mothers would be working themselves, after all they are likely to be in late 30s or 40s

I was a single parent. I had to use paid childcare. Being in work was very important to me as I needed to be an example to my child. It was difficult but I didn’t have a mother who stepped in to do childcare as she herself worked full time.
Who exactly made you feel like a lazy piece of shit and in what way did they do this?
I think you’re generalising a lot. I’m wondering if you feel bad yourself that you didn’t work (no judgement here) and are reading into things.

It sounds as if you’ve experienced a lot of judgement from having had a child at such a young age although your OP simply doesn’t relate to 99% of parents.

I suggest you shrug off that resentment you’ve been carrying and search for ways you can improve your career prospects. You are likely still in your early 20s so have ample time to do so. What would you like to be doing?

I love being a mum and loved being one even back then the only problem had been other people’s opinions.
Im not sure what people want me to say when they tell me I must have been too lazy to get a job so I got pregnant instead.

And this isn’t an excuse but when I found out I was pregnant I was 15 and after being raised in an old fashioned family who believed mothers stay at home with their children I had no idea it was considered disgusting to be a mother without a job these days.
I also didn’t know how the general public feel about “benefit scroungers” it’s safe to say the first time I found out was not a fun experience

You’re actually starting to sound a bit paranoid like everyone is judging you and saying you were lazy.
Who specifically said to you you’re a lazy piece of shit?

Numerous people, I mean I said I didn’t have a job until my dc started school. So over a period of 4 years loads of people did. People also assuming I’m lazy because I look young

But Op you came on here bashing all mothers who have help from grandparents, and insinuated that most do have help when that's not fact. I think if you had narrowed down your title and first post to the real issues you would have gotten a lot more focused responses here.

It sounds like your circle wasn't very nice when you were younger if they were judging you like that but its time now to put that to rest and move forward. Have you learnt to drive since or could you look for another job with better sociable hours? These sound like practical things that could make it easier for you

But you were a child when you got pregnant. It’s not that surprising that you hadn’t learned to grow out of your own family’s old-fashioned ideas about working mothers or that you’d given little thought to opinions on ‘benefit scroungers’.

Surely you were continuing in education for at least a couple of years after the birth of your child, anyway?

Who are these mothers bragging about working ft? It's hardly a brag, it's bloody horrible sometimes!

My partner and I have two nursery aged kids, we have lots of friends (either that we met since having kids or from school days) who also have similar aged kids. Out of our group every mother works at least 4 days a week, most full time and none of them use grandparents more than once a week for childcare, most not at all.

If I had to put numbers on it I would say around 15 families, 10 use grandparents a few times a year, 2 use them once a month or so mainly so they can go out for an evening, and 3 use grandparents one day a week.

So that's hardly 9 times out of 10 using grandparents at all let along "absolutely everything"

My mother has never once looked after any of my children.

I have always worked. I had my first daughter at 18. Still worked. Used paid childcare.

So no.

HTH

You actually had people say to you “you’re a lazy piece of shit?” What did you say to them in reply?

How do you know they assumed you were lazy because of your age?
I’m asking because I honestly think you’ve read into things and made assumptions because you yourself are doubting whether or not you did the right thing not getting a job.
Numerous people actually calling you a lazy piece of shit?

Paid childcare all the way here too. My DM is too busy living her best life after 45+ years of FT work to mind her DGC and we are thrilled for her - like every woman who raised a family, she deserves it! Gently, OP, don’t worry about other people’s childcare arrangements. We’re all just doing our best. I hope whatever annoyed you passes.

I agree OP.
Whilst there are many people who pay for cc and wrap around cc, there are some whose grandparents do it all. Seemingly taken for granted by some with no insight or appreciation of the challenges (practical and financial) for many.
I raised my son alone with ft cc and am aware of the reality.

In my friendship groups, I'd say its the other way around - 9/10 who work full or even part time don't have grandparents help weekly and children are in nursery/childrcare outside of school. For context I have one at school and one in nursery. Most of us have parents who help in school holidays (for those with kids in school) but a week here and there not guaranteed childcare sorted.

You find a nursery or childcare to fit around your work. If you can't, you either changes jobs, your hours or find a solution that works.

Opposite for most people I know. My mum lives 250 miles away and works full time (as does my dad). DH's parents are dead.

We've paid for every hour of childcare we've ever used.

(nursery hours are the easiest! 8-6 50 weeks a year? The dream).

Kindly OP, I think you need to change your mindset here. Unless these people that you speak of are screaming at you for being lazy, it’s probably how you’re reacting to their lifestyle rather than them creating an issue. And if they are, then you distance yourself. No one can make you feel anything about yourself, only you can.

Paid childcare here from day 1. The odd childcare swap with a friend. My mums dead sadly. My mil now does an after school day once a week and we're eternally grateful as it lets our kids attend a midweek sport. I'm not full time though, hats off to those who can. I'm 3-5 days week dependant and average around 26 hours a week.

My cousin works full-time remotely and her child is 7. He's never been in a nursery, she was always his primary carer and my aunt (her mother) didn't help even when she was recovering from a C section and her child was an infant. Even though my aunt said she would help.

My other cousin has two kids and his wife is also working remotely - she works when kids are asleep, mainly nights and early mornings. Also minimal help from grandparents, mainly they just come for a visit here and there.

Another couple I know have a toddler and the mother is looking after her dying father on top of that.

So, no? I don't think every working woman has a lot of help.

Mine live 5 hrs drive away. PILs are closer but never home and have never helped with chidcare.

I worked at a loss for 2 years to cover nursery fees. DH worked cash jobs at weekends to cover it.

Well, we used childcare (combo of nanny and daycare), then my husband took a career break followed by part time work. His parents are dead. Mine live a 3 hr flight away.

I do know a few people who get help from their parents but in those cases it’s one day a week (which is pretty awesome)!