AIBU to feel hurt my SIL ghosted my hen organisers?

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m getting married later this year, and my two best friends from uni kindly offered to organise my hen. Because all my friends live all over the country, it made sense for it to be a weekend away, but I was very clear that I wanted it to be low‑cost and low‑pressure — basically a cosy girls’ weekend with nice snacks, a long walk, and a big sleepover vibe. No themes, nothing over the top.

I don’t have sisters or any close female relatives. My partner’s sister is 10 years younger, a master’s student, and doesn’t have much money. We’ve always got on well, or so I thought. Before planning started, I asked if she wanted to be included in the hen. I made it clear there was absolutely no pressure — the cost, the timing, and the age gap might all be barriers, and that was totally fine. She said she’d love to be included. I also told my MIL that we could do something separate so SIL didn’t feel left out, like a dinner. The hen location is also very close to ILs so there was the option just to come for part of it

My friends started organising everything and told me they were keeping things low cost, but after a few months they came to me saying they’d had complete radio silence from SIL. She hadn’t replied to the group chat or to any of their polite follow‑ups asking her to confirm whether she was coming. She’s not great at messaging, so at first I wasn’t too surprised, but eventually I messaged her myself. Still nothing.

In the end, my partner called her out in the family chat (which I didn’t agree with). My MIL then rang him to say SIL was ill in bed and that she wasn’t coming because of money, and that we’d do something separate instead. And that part is fine — I completely understand the money situation. What bothered me was that she never told my friends. She just ghosted them, and then got her mum to deliver the message, leaving me to explain everything to the people who were trying to organise something kind for me.

It’s left a bad taste, and I can’t help wondering if the relationship I thought we had was more one‑sided. She’s 24, lives away from home, and I feel like she should be able to communicate directly rather than involving her parents. She is the baby of the family and is quite mollycoddled, but still — it felt rude and really inconsiderate.

That is rude and inconsiderate of her

Totally agree with @rubyslippers

It's a really dismissive way to behave towards you and extremely rude behaviour towards your friends.

Agree it's rude and inconsiderate. In the long run OP it's best to try and accept that she's a flaky sort and have realistic expectations.

This.

It's incredibly rude and very childish, she needs to grow up. If she can't handle a situation like this, how is she going to cope with life?!

But, you have a wedding to plan and a life to look forward to. Put it out of your mind, forget about her and move on.

It is rude, but in the grand scheme of things, I’m not sure it’s worth holding a grudge and souring family relationships over - hopefully she will be your sister in law for life. I’m sure in time, once she is your age, she will also look back and thing god that was a bit of a shit thing to do - but it’s not worth a big fall out over.

Yes it was rude
The least she could have done was send a message explaining. And that's the least she should do

I think you are expecting g someone to basically say to people she doesn’t know that it is too much money and that is a lot.

the problem with text groups like this is you can feel a sense of obligation and you can see from the number of threads on it how hard it is to extract yourself from it and not cause offence

so ask yourself how would you have wanted her to handle it - what was the right way and the answer is there probably wasn’t that easy a way to say

Well I think if she couldn't message the friends she should have messaged the OP explaining. Why even wouldn't you

She’s 24, she probably felt pressurised into saying yes in the first place. I wouldn’t have ghosted your friends but maybe she thought her non response was letting them know she wasn’t going. I’d have taken her radio silence as a no tbh.

Yes very rude. Probably one of those things where she really wanted to say no, bottled it then completely buried her head in the sand and got overwhelmed by it all!

She’s a knob. We’ve had exactly the same sort of thing with my DD’s hen. Family members were invited with no pressure whatsoever, said they wanted to come and were added to the group chat, only to ignore all ongoing messages! So annoying.

24 now seems like 17 when we were young.

like it or not though there is always pressure always the fear that it will come across wrongly and that they might take it exactly the way the OP has about the relationship

these things can be tricky to handle and next to impossible without someone having hurt feelings

Well it felt rude and inconsiderate because it was rude and inconsiderate.

But really I wouldn’t get it more thought than that. Certainly wouldn’t use as a barometer of our likely relationship for the next 50 years.

Move on.

I would say, give her a break. She’s young, she doesn’t know anyone, she’s embarrassed about the money, she doesn’t know yet what goes into organising this sort of thing.

I was in my late 20s when a friend’s hen was being organised and even though costs were “low” one of our best friends went silent for weeks/months. She didn’t know how to say, your idea of low cost is not my reality. Even to a close friend. In the end she made up an excuse but only when pressed. She also had other stuff going on (newish baby).

I hope you have a lovely hen and lovely wedding. Don’t take other people’s levels of involvement or enthusiasm as a lack of concern and enthusiasm for you, though. As with everything in life, it probably isn’t about you at all but whatever they have going on.

She was rude - but it sounds like she’s just immature rather than obnoxious. By the sound of it, you invited her as a nice gesture rather than because you’d be gutted if she didn’t come, so I’d just chalk it up to experience and move on.

That’s very rude of her. But there is an upside - at least you know not to trust her with anything to do with the wedding.

Hey OP, I can understand the frustration tho I've voted YABU as this is about her and her own challenges/insecurities. It'll be better for YOU in the long run if you don't take this personally. I'll bet that this is in no way a reflection of her feelings towards you, just her state of mind and lack of social etiquette. She'll become family so dont make it hard on yourself in the long run. Just downgrade your expectations of her and move forward. Enjoy your hen with your bezzies x

Obviously she should have said no at the start, she probably felt pressured to go as the invite was from a family member and buried her head in the sand. Perhaps she suffers from social anxiety and spending time away with the OP’s friends would be difficult for her.

I would try not to dwell on it.

I think your SIL has behaved badly but I think your husband calling her out on the family chat instead of contacting her directly isn’t great either. You can’t moan that the MIL has got involved when your husband involved the whole family by texting the group chat.
Honestly I think when the hen party and wedding are over you’ll look back and realise that it’s no big deal. Definitely not worth ruining a relationship for.

Very immature and I totally agree with your partner calling her out on it

It was rude, but as others have said, it's difficult to tell strangers you can't afford something.

You, on the other hand, are completely overreacting. "Rethinking our relationship". Get over yourself. She's going to be your sister in law for a long time. Don't write her off for one stupid mistake.

Maybe she was embarrassed, I’m going to a hen later this year and the costs are not low, but the organisers are saying it’s “budget friendly”.

The brides husbands family are struggling to fund it but are too pressured by the others enthusiasm and outdoing each other to say anything and have asked him not to say anything.

People’s budgets vary, if she is a lot younger than everyone she might have have wanted to be included but the plans might have made her rethink or feel out of place and her initial confidence has reduced, but saying that she should have messaged the organisers separately from any group chat.

Have you spoken to her?

She didn't have to say it in the group chat - she could have said it to the OP or her brother. She could even have got her mum to call the OP weeks ago and explain if she really couldn't face doing it in person. The OP has listed several 'right' ways to have dealt with it which would all have been better than what she did.

It’s rude and immature but don’t underestimate how embarrassed people are to say they can’t afford something. You see it on here all the time.