AIBU to feel hurt my SIL ghosted my hen organisers?

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m getting married later this year, and my two best friends from uni kindly offered to organise my hen. Because all my friends live all over the country, it made sense for it to be a weekend away, but I was very clear that I wanted it to be low‑cost and low‑pressure — basically a cosy girls’ weekend with nice snacks, a long walk, and a big sleepover vibe. No themes, nothing over the top.

I don’t have sisters or any close female relatives. My partner’s sister is 10 years younger, a master’s student, and doesn’t have much money. We’ve always got on well, or so I thought. Before planning started, I asked if she wanted to be included in the hen. I made it clear there was absolutely no pressure — the cost, the timing, and the age gap might all be barriers, and that was totally fine. She said she’d love to be included. I also told my MIL that we could do something separate so SIL didn’t feel left out, like a dinner. The hen location is also very close to ILs so there was the option just to come for part of it

My friends started organising everything and told me they were keeping things low cost, but after a few months they came to me saying they’d had complete radio silence from SIL. She hadn’t replied to the group chat or to any of their polite follow‑ups asking her to confirm whether she was coming. She’s not great at messaging, so at first I wasn’t too surprised, but eventually I messaged her myself. Still nothing.

In the end, my partner called her out in the family chat (which I didn’t agree with). My MIL then rang him to say SIL was ill in bed and that she wasn’t coming because of money, and that we’d do something separate instead. And that part is fine — I completely understand the money situation. What bothered me was that she never told my friends. She just ghosted them, and then got her mum to deliver the message, leaving me to explain everything to the people who were trying to organise something kind for me.

It’s left a bad taste, and I can’t help wondering if the relationship I thought we had was more one‑sided. She’s 24, lives away from home, and I feel like she should be able to communicate directly rather than involving her parents. She is the baby of the family and is quite mollycoddled, but still — it felt rude and really inconsiderate.

I wouldn’t do something separate. Just let it drop. It’s a he party, it doesn’t need multiple events. It’s a one off for your friends to celebrate with you. If she doesn’t come, she doesn’t come.

Also when you “made it clear, no pressure etc, it sounds like half an invite, you don’t really want her there. Maybe be a little more mature yourself and move on otherwise it’ll might impact your wedding day and your or your partners relationship. It’s not that big a deal.

It is annoying, rude and immature. But it wouldnt change my relationship with sil or be hurt about the lack of reply. More like an eye roll at how a 24 year old cant handle basic communication, apologise to friends and move on.

I think YABU because she is very young and was probably too embarrassed to say she can’t afford it and didn’t know how to handle it (immature; but not inexplicable) - and tbh she probably also doesn’t want to spend a weekend hanging out the ten middle aged women she doesn’t know (from her perspective) and didn’t know how to get out of it politely. She’s just not at that part of her life.

Your DH was very wrong to call it out, it’s now created a wedge against you. A gentle convo via MIL would have been fine.

Let this go and enjoy your hen with your friends. Life is long. I’m certain that when she matures a little you will become friends.

And it may not even be just that — if she doesn’t know anyone else attending something planned as having a ‘big sleepover vibe’, she’s been probably muting a chat consisting entirely of total strangers planning this for months, and just got into the habit of not responding till it felt too late.

Oh leave her alone. She doesn’t want to come, for whatever reason. She immature and doesn’t know how to handle this kind of thing yet. Accept it and move on.

Honestly the social pressure. It was clear that she wasn’t going to come from the minute she ghosted the group chat. But you just have to keep prodding.

Yes. 24. A fully grown adult. Someone old enough to get married, have children, contribute to determining the future of our country by voting, contribute to determining the future of a company by working. She's an adult. I cannot believe you are trying to give her some leeway because she's 24.

Before planning started, I asked if she wanted to be included in the hen. I made it clear there was absolutely no pressure — the cost, the timing, and the age gap might all be barriers, and that was totally fine. She said she’d love to be included. I also told my MIL that we could do something separate so SIL didn’t feel left out, like a dinner.

She might have just thought your cosy girls' weekend was more aimed at your friends, and something more family-orientated was being arranged to accommodate her.

Daft not to answer, but I wouldn't get my hackles up about it.

My direct experience of people in their early 20s is that they tend to treat WhatsApp groups as optional anyway - I think there’s a certain cachet in not replying/muting (to be fair, it might be the only way to cope with the number of groups they are in).

It’s the kind of rudeness that comes from immaturity. As someone else said, in years to come she will cringe about this. I’d just let it go now.

I would also find this very rude. There is absolutely no need for the SIL to say that she can’t afford it, all she had to do was post a one liner in the group chat saying sorry, I can’t make it. It really isn’t such a big deal. Instead how she handled it caused it to become a big deal with several people involved. She is 24, not 14, ahead us not too young at all. That said, I would move on from it, not worth the falling out.

She's rude and inconsiderate, agreed, but I also second this - don't sweat over the fact that she's a PITA. She's a decade younger, chances are you would never have been close because you'll be experiencing very different lifestyles for all your lives.

(My BIL has a good relationship with my husband and I love his partner, BUT they are in their early twenties whilst I'm closer to forty! We're tied up with our son all the time and they're off exploring the world as they should be.)

So commiserate this with your friends, but don't turn this into a potentially life-long grudge. She's still got a lot of maturing to do.

She’s ignorant. Don’t include her in anything else. Don’t give her another thought.

Very rude of her but now you know what she is like. She cannot stand up for herself so tells people what they want to hear then ghosts when it comes to the crunch.

Sounds like she might have other stuff going on and not been able to face it. I wouldn't make a big deal of it or extrapolate too much into what it means about your relationship with her. She's a young 24 by the sounds of it, going through her mum, and not ready/willing to be at this level with you and your friends. Enjoy the rest of your wedding plans and don't have any expectations of her beyond being your DP's sister.

My MIL then rang him to say SIL was ill in bed and that she wasn’t coming because of money, and that we’d do something separate instead. I'd have good money on this not happening.

She is the baby of the family and is quite mollycoddled and it's good that you're aware of the larger family dynamic.

Have a relaxing Hen with your friends. Don't waste brainspace on childish SIL.

She's 24!!

Many women are married/partnered/parents/holding down responsible jobs at that age.

Can we please stop infantilising people?

At 24 she should be capable of sending a polite “thanks for the invite but I won’t be able to make it” message to the organisers.
Yes it’s rude to ignore both them and you.

Totally agree.

Your wedding - and congratulations! - is only the most important thing right now to you and your partner. Yes, she should have reached out, she didn't or didn't know how to.

Not having money or maybe not wanting to spend the little spare money you have on a weekend with a bunch of older randoms (to her), is understandable but difficult if not impossible to communicate. Have a bit of compassion, think the best of her not the worst of her and move on cos its hardly the end of the world, is it?

BTW, as much as I love my friends, my heart would sink if I was invited to a hen do of any kind let than know a weekend. There isn't a polite way to say that and sometimes we just have to have the good grace to read between the lines.

She is old enough to be able to manage this is a polite way - your spine to be husband also seems to lack social graces.

A family trait you should consider more before the wedding.

She is old enough to have passed on a decline

But why cant hen parties be here is the details turn up or not, why do multiple people have to organise so much

Ok it’s rude but she will be your SIL for life if all goes well so I’d play the long game and overlook it. I would also send a message along the lines of, ‘hi Sarah, sorry you’ve been ill and I’m also sorry you can’t make the hen but absolutely understand. Can’t wait to have dinner together before the wedding and, obviously enjoy the big day itself. See you soon.x’

FWIW I remember at 24 being invited to a tea event with a bunch of 30 somethings and found it intimidating. No idea why now but there it is.

I’m not infantilising her. I’m pointing out many of us are socially immature at that age, including those of us who are holding down jobs, families, mortgages. You can be extremely adept at workplace dynamics and still essentially adolescent in your family dynamics.

I also think it’s fairly immature reaction from a woman in their 30s to call into question an entire relationship on the basis of not attending an event/replying to a group chat. But I understand why - just as I understand why the SIL might have behaved like this.

fwiw I would also say give her a break if she was 30 or 40… youth is a factor here but not the only one.

Hen dos are shit. Mine was really upsetting. I’ve vowed that I’m never doing anything like it again tbh. Even my own sister, who I am very close with, didn’t come. And there was a male stripper… I’d suggested pottery painting or cake decorating and a long history tour!

I suspect that people only start to grow up and mature when people around them expect it of them. I think that's a lot of the problem with babyish people in their 20s.

Now you know who she is and what you're dealing with. Lower your expectations accordingly, don't let it fester. Move on.