AIBU to feel hurt my SIL ghosted my hen organisers?

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m getting married later this year, and my two best friends from uni kindly offered to organise my hen. Because all my friends live all over the country, it made sense for it to be a weekend away, but I was very clear that I wanted it to be low‑cost and low‑pressure — basically a cosy girls’ weekend with nice snacks, a long walk, and a big sleepover vibe. No themes, nothing over the top.

I don’t have sisters or any close female relatives. My partner’s sister is 10 years younger, a master’s student, and doesn’t have much money. We’ve always got on well, or so I thought. Before planning started, I asked if she wanted to be included in the hen. I made it clear there was absolutely no pressure — the cost, the timing, and the age gap might all be barriers, and that was totally fine. She said she’d love to be included. I also told my MIL that we could do something separate so SIL didn’t feel left out, like a dinner. The hen location is also very close to ILs so there was the option just to come for part of it

My friends started organising everything and told me they were keeping things low cost, but after a few months they came to me saying they’d had complete radio silence from SIL. She hadn’t replied to the group chat or to any of their polite follow‑ups asking her to confirm whether she was coming. She’s not great at messaging, so at first I wasn’t too surprised, but eventually I messaged her myself. Still nothing.

In the end, my partner called her out in the family chat (which I didn’t agree with). My MIL then rang him to say SIL was ill in bed and that she wasn’t coming because of money, and that we’d do something separate instead. And that part is fine — I completely understand the money situation. What bothered me was that she never told my friends. She just ghosted them, and then got her mum to deliver the message, leaving me to explain everything to the people who were trying to organise something kind for me.

It’s left a bad taste, and I can’t help wondering if the relationship I thought we had was more one‑sided. She’s 24, lives away from home, and I feel like she should be able to communicate directly rather than involving her parents. She is the baby of the family and is quite mollycoddled, but still — it felt rude and really inconsiderate.

Maybe but the solution is not avoidance. She always had the option to talk to the OP.

She is 24 years old not 14 - how does she manage feedback on her Masters’ dissertation if she can’t excuse herself from a hen do via Whatsapp / text?

I’ve learned from younger people no response from the beginning is a response. Non participation in the chat is a rejection of the invitation. It’s not rude to her generation (although some 50 year old mum will be along to say her 17 year old would never do that) and you have to learn the new mode of communication

That's just bonkers lol, and I don't care if I am "that 50 year old mum turning up to say my kid would never do that" 😁
It's just excusing away bad manners.
"Oh, it's just the way kids are nowadays, bless them."
If it's "not rude to her generation' then people are fine with young adults (and then by the passing of time) just adults in general ignoring you instead of declining. Because "that's ok, it's just what everyone does"
Teaching manners just out the window it seems.
Depressing.

Sure, but, as so often on these threads, the only behaviour the OP can control is her own. The category of ‘What X should have done’ always excites endless wrath on here, when it makes far more sense to recognise that this is outside your grasp, and that you should concentrate on your response/stipulations to stop it happening again, if that’s likely.

I’d be a bit worried tbh. She sounds like she might have some issues, at the very least around confidence and speaking up for herself.
You know her best OP. Is she the type of person who tends to be deliberately rude and uncaring? If not, there’s something else going on.

She won’t be childish forever though. This sounds like you would write her off, but people tend to grow up a lot in their late twenties (I know I did, and I cringe over some earlier mistakes I made). I’m glad my family all still bother with me!

She probably said yes with good intentions, then the planning and costs started and she felt very overwhelmed about it and didn’t know how to back out.
shes 24, give her a break. A 24 and 34 yo should have different ideas about money and you could be a bit more understanding.

Is she an awkward/shy person generally?

This is the kind of thing I would have struggled with at her age. I don't think I would have ghosted, but probably just told you directly or via your partner

Oh absolutely, same for me. Obviously as and when she proves that she would be more reliable with plans, or grown up about cancelling or saying no to arrangements, then things will change.

Possibly similar to the way my daughters handles her masters feedback, with a professional response amongst her peers who she knows (she is slightly younger) but in social setting with excited people making plans for a sleepover, she mainly doesn’t knows a decade or more older she would have a lot less confidence.

Lack of confidence does not preclude good manners. I am sorry but it’s just rude to ghost/avoid.

I was working in a challenging job in front line emergency services from 24 but I’m not stupid enough to not appreciate that no person is at the same stage or has the same confidence or ability as another, whatever their age is.

Humans don’t tend to be robots programmed to have the same ability at each stage of their life, a 16 year old might have more confidence and ability than a 50 year old, life doesn’t work as you suggest.

Your DH was wong to confront on the group chat which resulted in her mum stepping in. You should have accepted from her lack of response to you and to your friends that she wasn't coming. And raised it privately with her in person that you were disappointed/suggested the alternative get together with her and MIL.
Still, now you know that she's rude and immature.

I am not filled with wrath.

I am making the point that in order for young adults to mature they needed to be gently guided about honest, polite and respectful communication.

A 24 year old who cant send a text saying they cant attend a pre-agreed arrangement would worry me tbh.

I don't think @TheBlueRobin is planning any more hen do’s hopefully so as long as doesn't hold a grudge, there is nothing wrong with the 24 year old being made aware that ignoring texts is not really the best way to handle things.

I am not really sure how you can justify the avoidance.

Youth isn't a factor here. She's 24 not 14. She's a grown up and she's rude.

I don't know why you are looking for excuses for her. There are no excuses. It simply needs a 'really sorry bit I can't make it' text. It is beyond pathetic if a 24 year old cannot do that and quite concerning that you and a couple of others in this thread think it is acceptable to be so rude.

It felt rude and inconsiderate because it was rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn’t be falling out with her over this but I wouldn’t soon forget it. She was probably embarrassed perhaps that she couldn’t afford it but she’s a grown arse woman and could’ve let someone know outside of a group chat ‘environment’, so to speak.

It's rude but I'd just move on and forget about it, tbh. Maybe she's a very immature 24 year old.

Although both rude and inconsiderate I would just let it go but what I wouldn’t do is proactively organise an alternative and let her or MIL contact you if they want to follow this up. If they I would suggest you agree a date and let them organise it.

I’m sorry but this is probably going to be more expensive than I can afford/ it turns out I’m not going to be able to make it after all/ there’s a clash of dates( take your pick). Hope you all have a great time and I look forward to meeting you at the wedding.”

She was probably embarrassed that she couldn't afford it, surprised her mum didn't offer to pay for her, assuming it's not a huge amount. Or maybe she realised the age difference and being the only one from her side of the family she might feel a bit awkward. I would just let it slide say sorry you can't come and that's it.

Just go and enjoy your hen weekend and don't give it another thought. It's not really that important, is it?

It’s left a bad taste, and I can’t help wondering if the relationship I thought we had was more one‑sided. She’s 24

I was a social klutz when I was 24. Only today I was remembering some hideous social faux pas I made in my twenties, and couldn't believe I'd been so socially stupid. 40-50 years later and I still blush at the memories!

Fortunately, with time, I matured and gained confidence in such situations (still much later than most people do) and I'm actually a very considerate and caring person. So please don't give up on your SIL @TheBlueRobin . Fortunately the people that I was an idiot to, didn't give up on me (and that includes my in laws who I became really close to, and who loved me, despite me being an idiot in the early days)

I'd just encourage you to separate out 'who' she has been and is to you, from something she did that shows her age ( or immaturity)... To me i just saw a glaring gap in her feeling comfortable about sharing she couldn't afford something and so not knowing how to deal with it, she shut down, shut up... closed off and avoided dealing with it. That doesn't mean she does love and care for you, that just means she wasn't currently equipped with the knowledge of how to handle an awkward subject. Anyways.. I'd err on the side of grace... use your love for her, and the past relationship to let her know she can always talk to you.. and that your sorry she didn't feel confident or comfortable to come and talk when she needed to. Invite her to come if she wants to.. or do something seperate... but don't throw the relationship in the bin. Remember, who she is, and what she does are seperate. She LOVES you.. but she IS immature. Just my two cents worth.. Be careful to assign 'intent' to someting that was probably just an awkward or immature moment.

She's twenty fucking four!!!! Why on earth would her mother offer to pay for her? This is not a toddler asking for an ice-cream, it's a grown up going to a grown up weekend.

And why is being embarrassed an excuse? Once again, she's 24!

Christ, why are so many people being apologists for a grown woman being so rude?!

Thanks all. Some interesting responses here. A summary of my thoughts

• There won't be any drama or anything. I've rolled my eyes and got on with it and look forward to the hen and wedding with lovely people.
• Lots of different comments on being 24 and how mature that is. I was pretty independent at 24, organising family holidays and in charge of my finances but probably thought anyone over 30 was ancient and a 'proper adult'. Also at 24 I was also very capable of saying 'no, sorry can't make it'.
• I think SIL does have a bit of social anxiety and hasn't really had much life experience without her family. She met a few of my friends at a birthday bbq and they got on well. It would never have occurred to me not to invite her because I'm fond of her and enjoy her company.
• Partner was a numpty to put it in the chat and told him a bull in China shop approach wouldn't work.
• the hen location is 10 miles up the road from ILs, SIL could have popped in for part of it and not paid a penny, friends gave this as an option.
• I reckon SIL will look back and cringe in a few years but chalk it up to experience
• I do mean it when I say it's low cost, I have friends from all corners of the UK so a night down the local pub wouldn't work and people would have to book accommodation anyway. The way I see it, it's an invite not a summons. I've spent £500 on other hens and vowed not to put others in the same position.

I imagine your hens idea of low cost were different to hers and she felt embarrassed. Not that she handled it very well, but I would have some sympathy here.