AIBU to feel hurt my SIL ghosted my hen organisers?

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m getting married later this year, and my two best friends from uni kindly offered to organise my hen. Because all my friends live all over the country, it made sense for it to be a weekend away, but I was very clear that I wanted it to be low‑cost and low‑pressure — basically a cosy girls’ weekend with nice snacks, a long walk, and a big sleepover vibe. No themes, nothing over the top.

I don’t have sisters or any close female relatives. My partner’s sister is 10 years younger, a master’s student, and doesn’t have much money. We’ve always got on well, or so I thought. Before planning started, I asked if she wanted to be included in the hen. I made it clear there was absolutely no pressure — the cost, the timing, and the age gap might all be barriers, and that was totally fine. She said she’d love to be included. I also told my MIL that we could do something separate so SIL didn’t feel left out, like a dinner. The hen location is also very close to ILs so there was the option just to come for part of it

My friends started organising everything and told me they were keeping things low cost, but after a few months they came to me saying they’d had complete radio silence from SIL. She hadn’t replied to the group chat or to any of their polite follow‑ups asking her to confirm whether she was coming. She’s not great at messaging, so at first I wasn’t too surprised, but eventually I messaged her myself. Still nothing.

In the end, my partner called her out in the family chat (which I didn’t agree with). My MIL then rang him to say SIL was ill in bed and that she wasn’t coming because of money, and that we’d do something separate instead. And that part is fine — I completely understand the money situation. What bothered me was that she never told my friends. She just ghosted them, and then got her mum to deliver the message, leaving me to explain everything to the people who were trying to organise something kind for me.

It’s left a bad taste, and I can’t help wondering if the relationship I thought we had was more one‑sided. She’s 24, lives away from home, and I feel like she should be able to communicate directly rather than involving her parents. She is the baby of the family and is quite mollycoddled, but still — it felt rude and really inconsiderate.

This is very much in the category of roll your eyes, tell your husband she’s a pain in the arse and think nothing more about it. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme. I’m sure your friends can cope (they can also eye roll). No one has lost money, I don’t think, given you didn’t mention that?

She knew she didn't have to go and was probably hanging on in the background seeing what final arrangements and costs were

Yanbu. BUT I doubt she intended to be rude or hurtful. Not worth falling out over in the long run. Just don't include her in anything going forward.

My sil came on my hen and was a PITA and I wish I'd not invited her! (Ex sil now) You have the moral high ground, be gracious about it, you'll prob enjoy more without her there. Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

OP let it go. She's 24. I'm not trying to make excuses but this is fairly typical behaviour from someone of this age.

OP let it go. She's 24. I'm not trying to make excuses but this is fairly typical behaviour from someone of this age.

It's maybe a reminder that not everyone gets excited about having to spent loads of money (I know you say it would be cheap but it's still a weekend away) on a hen do. What happened to an evening in the pub?

Nothing wrong with not wanting to come, but basic manners should have someone saying "sorry, I'm not able to make it. Hope you have a lovely time though."
Nothing to do with age, she's 24, not 5!
Oh and no, just ghosting people doesn't automatically mean you don't want to come. People aren't automatically mind readers. They shouldn't be left second guessing.
Although posts like yours giving me some insight into the mindset of those who can't be arsed to let you know whether they're coming or not to a party or dither saying they are coming and then just don't turn up leaving you out of pocket.

Although I do kind of agree with this too...
Not worth falling out over in the long run. Just don't include her in anything going forward

I agree.

It is rude but I've come across an astonishing amount of people who do this. Their logic seems to be:

I can't do that anymore for x reason but I would feel rude/awkward telling them and I don't want them to be annoyed/disappointed.
So I'll just say nothing and hope they forget and leave me alone.

Completely oblivious to the fact that NOT saying anything at all makes things seem more rude and awkward. If the reason is one they are embarrassed about, it just draws more attention to it.

I know people still behaving like this late in life. My mother is one of them. If she gets called out on it she is suddenly the victim and the other person is "being unkind" to her.

Very rude and childish of her, yes. I wouldn’t hold a grudge over it, but just go forward remembering she’s flaky, childish, and don’t put too much effort into arranging anything with/for her.

Had she originally agreed in the group chat to participate then radio silence or had she never replied to any messages at all? If the former then it’s a bit rude but not the end of the world. A lot of pearl clutching in the comments about being rude . If it’s the latter I’ve learned from younger people no response from the beginning is a response. Non participation in the chat is a rejection of the invitation. It’s not rude to her generation (although some 50 year old mum will be along to say her 17 year old would never do that) and you have to learn the new mode of communication.

The fact this seems to be becoming a drama is ridiculous. It’s important to you OP but it’s not the same level of important to anyone else. The fact you think this will impact your future relationship is showing your immaturity too. It’s a hen do not the royal wedding and not the end of the world.

How far in the future is this weekend away? She may not have wanted to commit because she doesn't know what she is doing weeks or months from now. Since she is a decade younger and possibly don't know anyone else who is going she might not have been interested in the details of the planning so probably muted the chat. She is doing a masters and living a student life, hen do planning is probably very far down on her list of priorities. Sure she could have said earlier, but I don't think it was a huge crime not to pay attention to the chat.

Sounds like she was more embarrassed to say anything. However she could have come up with something polite to let them know that she can't make it, or message you if she's uncomfortable that she doesn't know them well enough. She does sound a bit immature for her age, but I think this is a reflection on her and I wouldn't let it affect your relationship.

My SiL still replies on behalf of her children when I send out individual invitations. Her children are 48 &50 and have adult children of their own. OP, she was rude but move on as it’ll end up becoming a bigger thing than it is, especially with MiL!

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. She might have something going on in her life that you don't know about. It sounds like maybe she's not coping well with something. Calling her out on the family chat wouldn't have helped.

If she can't even be bothered to send a single message declining (after initially saying she's live to be included), then I don't think I could really be bothered to organise a separate dinner or similar so she could feel included.

If radio silence in the group chat was meant to be taken as a decline, she shouldn't have said she'd love to in the first place. Too much of a mixed message. And I imagine if the organisers had taken the silence as a decline, closer to the time either you SIL or MIL would come storming in about how dare you leave her out.

She handled it badly but it's hardly worth any drama. I've got a feeling a good number of people on this thread would go no contact with her forever over this.

Yes, tbf this is also the family culture sometimes.

My MIL likes to coordinate events and allocates tasks/gifts etc for people to buy at events.

I think she should have said no from the outset.

I wonder if she felt she had to accept & was hoping to bow out later?

That said, she was ignoring messages so perhaps the hint could just have been taken?

I wouldn't do anything with just her & MIL.

Does your fiance not get on with her?

I had the opposite experience, I knew it was unlikely my 2 future sister in laws would be able to attend my hen, so I didn’t ask my bridesmaid to include them in the invite list, as it also would have created unnecessary chasing for her for people that wouldn’t have come anyway.

Both had a go at me after saying how upset they were at not being asked, that they wouldn’t have been able to come but ‘it was the thought that counted’. I imagine if you’d left her out altogether she would have moaned too.

It was rude but I suspect that she muted thread and did not see the queries. I find that generation are not good communicators. You DP should have contacted her directly rather than the family thread. Looks like her mother got in first to reply so I don't think you can fully blame her on that. Hopefully she will be your sister in law for life so I would just move on and forget about it. I hate to say it but your Hen is important to you but for others it is just another thing to fit into their diaries.

Really bad behaviour by your DP.

I’ve learned from younger people no response from the beginning is a response. Non participation in the chat is a rejection of the invitation.

That's going to go down like a sack of shit in the workplace so "younger people" who want to make anything of their lives need to snap out it. I'm aware it's a thing and have experienced lots of our trainees ignoring client communications or partner instructions if they don't feel "comfortable" with what they have been asked. They get pulled up and are told if you need guidance/clarification/support, that's fine, just ask, but ignoring something you don't fancy is totally unacceptable and risks damage to the business. Some of them get it and end up doing well. Some just don't engage. Guess which ones are never offered a permanent contract?

I would cut her slack and just consider it immaturity. She didn't know how to say no to people 10 years older than her.