AIBU to be upset by my neighbours' huge extension?

[ElfinsMum]

We (family of 5) live in a 30 year old property built on a small site that was originally our neighbour's garden. We bought several years ago from them. At that time, they were doing a renovation on the old cottage as the grandmother had died so that the early 20s DGD and her partner could move in. At the time i was a bit 🤔about it if i'm honest just because my (wealthy as it happens) parents have never and would never give me a house, let alone spend weeks personally slaving over a full blown renovation for me. Since then we have lived perfectly peacefully next door to them.

Now they are doing a large extension. They have bulldozed their whole back garden and the final house will now stretch all the way along our boundary front to back, as well as adding an extra storey to overlook our whole bungalow. The builders literally have to work on our land all day to build it. They have even had to remove a small section of our drive to lay foundations. They have moved out for the duration, i assume back with mum and dad for free. We are stuck here.

I know i am not being unreasonable to worry that their huge new extension will be ugly, dominate our space, reduce our privacy and probably damage the value of our house.

BUT we love living here, love the area, school, public transport, other neighbours etc. Our house is worn and lived in as everyone's is that is 15 years into this parenting caper.

I am aware, as you will now be, that I am being bitter and twisted on the subject. How can i continue to like living in our home? How do i avoid turning into one of THOSE people that has a stupid one-sided vendetta with the neighbours? How do i avoid being resentful that they will have a massive, polished home for the two of them, while we slum it over here with 5 of us in a cottage with one bathroom and a kitchen made of MDF? How do i forgive them for choosing to use every centimetre of their land when they must know it is at our expense?

P.S. The development meets local planning regs to the milimetre so don't bother with planning arguments.

I think the fact that you know this is coming from a place of envy and jealousy is a solid first step.

I sometimes think I live on a building site! I live in an area where all the properties are bungalows as the land was deemed unsuitable for two story houses due to it being an old marsh. So what tends to happen after one is sold which usually when an elderly residents dies or goes into a care home is that younger ( ie 50 odd) buy it and start a massive renovation project. They often dig new pilings and lift the roof to create a loft extension, add on an extension as well as replace windows and gut the inside. All the original bungalows are red brick wire white window frames but most of the renovated ones have cream render and grey window frames.

Each to their own of course but it’s a huge disruption to everyone in the fairly narrow roads with contractors vehicles and skips parked out side our house for months on end. The main issue though for me is that as the land here is so wet, not only was it originally marshy farmland but a couple of brooks were diverted into underground culverts and the water table is high so our gardens regularly flood after heavy rain. Many bungalows like mine have a large space underneath to contain the flood water until it subsides naturally, I have a trap door in my hallway to access the 6ft space. Unfortunately this leads to vibrations from any digging works to spread through these spaces and create cracks in neighbouring walls! I’m constantly finding small in the internal plaster, get them filled and painted then another renovation starts and they appear again!

Both properties either side have sold and been renovated in the last two years and now the one opposite has just gone on the market! It’s priced as a project as it does need modernising so I expect the contractors will be here over the summer months! Ah well, all I can do is grit my teeth and hope that they don’t block my driveway too often!

But the surveyor and architect can advise, but don’t supervise the building work. It’s not on them unless they’ve ratified plans that contravene regulations, and which are picked up by building control subsequently.

You’re contradicting yourself about the local authority — either it’s incredibly strict, or it’s lax and corrupt. Of course, you didn’t object to your neighbours’ planning application, so you will never know if it will have been upheld.

ETA Objecting may not have stopped the extension, but might have mitigated some aspects. I was involved in a community planning objection against a new housing estate where we last lived. After we won twice and the plans were sent back for reconsideration twice, the estate was eventually allowed (because the local authority had not factored in enough new housing in its five year plan, so the default was to pass everything), BUT we did get significant concessions. The original 142 houses was down to 60, and all the houses along the boundary with existing houses were made bungalows rather than two-storey to mitigate over-looking, loss of light, privacy etc. it was a reasonable outcome all round.

You’re so envious of them being gifted this home, I really hope you will be doing the same for your own kids.

I wouldn't write a letter initially,just go and talk to them.

Surely you just secure your own land and say no access to the builders? I find this whole scenario bizarre. No recognition that a nice house makes some people happy either. The neighbours obviously don’t agree.

Why didn't you object when they applied for planning permission?
There is literally nothing you can do once it is granted. Being in a different jurisdiction changes things.
I think you need to disentangle your envy and resentfulness from the actual harm that is happening- if they damage your property and need access to it they need topay- so look into suing them, when someone encroaches on your space-if it isn't the government there will be a legal way to push back- and it will be satisfying because your neighbours will have to take into consideration their action affect other people, and that has a cost. Good luck.

I’m not sure how you can judge and compare their respective ‘substance’, whatever that means. That they have wealth doesn’t mean they’re lacking in others areas, as there isn’t some universal balance that must be maintained.

If they’re inclined to invest in a large family I’m sure they’re quite able to.

They’ve done nothing wrong OP. Your dislike of them seems to be entirely rooted in your own hang ups and ideas of how people should live, and be. Projecting onto them, and wishing for them to struggle and ‘make do’ because you’ve had to, does nothing to actually improve your own life.

It may be ‘natural’ to experience envy to a greater or lesser degree, but something being natural is not the same thing as it being good, or that it’s a desirable trait that should be indulged.

However fancy they need it to be in order for them to consider it enjoyable, I would assume. It’s a very individual judgement.

If you don’t value spending on stuff then that’s fine. Equally, if they do that’s also fine (and people are fully capable of caring about more than one thing). What works for you isn’t going to work for everyone, and nor does it need to.

I would go further than that and tell their builders that they are trespassing and to get off your land immediately.

I don’t understand your comment of they have shown you who they are. They didn’t do this to piss you off, it was never about you. They are absolutely entitled to do what they wish with their own home and land. The fact they have money and wealthy parents is none of your business. The fact there is five of you in a small cottage and 2 of them in a large house is also none of your business. There will be plenty with less than you and plenty with more.

you can deny access do whatever, it doesn’t matter, it won’t stop it, do what makes you happy, but they were never showing you who they were, you’re displaying some main character energy here, when you’re not even a member of their chorus line.

stop focusing on how much they have, and how little you have in comparison. No good can come of it, only you are being hurt.

but I do think you will need to move, as I don’t think you will get over your jealoosy. You will need to move to a house where the neighbours can never have more than you.

But I think you have a really odd attitude on this. I wouldn’t think the less of anyone who didn’t bite their tongue to assert their own valid boundaries. Someone seething in silence while secretly resenting something I’m doing and not telling me it’s bothering them isn’t doing me a favour, they’re just driving themselves crazy, needlessly.

I operate on the basis that people will generally use their words and state their position on something. If they don’t, I’m not going to try to second-guess whether they’re secretly negatively impacted by something I’m doing but refusing to say!

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You almost certainly should have been served with a party wall notice. They are breaking the law if not. Look up the party wall legislation and get some legal advice.

There are two parts to your post OP.

The whole "it's not fair, my parents didn't buy us a house, and they've got more bathrooms than us" bit is weird. There are always people better off and worse off you.

No one is entitled to gifts from relatives. You say your parents are wealthy which probably means you had a comfortable childhood. I grew up in a FSM family of seven but I don't envy you in the slightest. There's no point. You need to look forwards and enjoy what you have. 🤗

On the other hand I completely understand your concern about being overlooked, but the planning process should deal with that. Have they specified frosted glass for windows that look directly into your bedroom windows etc? It is worth checking what has been authorised and making sure they keep to that

She’s not in the uk. I think she’s said it a few times now.

How do i avoid being resentful that they will have a massive, polished home for the two of them, while we slum it over here with 5 of us in a cottage with one bathroom and a kitchen made of MDF

I just can’t wrap my head around this at all, do you drive around looking ah bigger houses than yours thinking bastards, how did they get that,

my neighbours house is bigger than mine, several times bigger, it’s never once occurred to me to give a shit. My house is bigger than other neighbours, I’d be horrified if they were sitting feeling jealous and resentful about it. What on earth does my house, its size and condition, have to do with any neighbour.

if they are within planning permits and doing nothing wrong, then you need to accept they have done nothing wrong, you can try to make it more difficult for them sure but the end result will be the same. If you can’t live with it, as it’s too close, then move, if it’s just your consumed by jealoosy, then move somewhere where your house is bigger than the neighbours to avoid this happening again,

that doesn't mean that the builders are allowed on your land or allowed to dig up your drive though.

No I don't but I do kind of assume that the people in the much larger houses have worked harder in more responsible jobs and/or taken on a lot more business risk than me to get them. Or they are just older and benefited from the property boom but at some point they had to make mortgage payments on it.

Maybe that is naive of me. Because around here, quite a lot of people do renovate and flip (and make significantly more doing so than they earn in their jobs probably).

"naive" good word.

I really think it just comes down to you being jealous that someone you don't think deserves to have something better than you, has something better than you.

And you seem a little snobby about these people who need millions of bedrooms and couldn't live in a kitchen without an island or with one bathroom.

You kinda sound like you resent your parents so much you've turned into the opposite of them. But no better.

Some people have nicer things than you. It sounds like you are very fortunate to live in a very posh area. You should spend less time looking at what other people have and more time appreciating what you do.

They csn build what they want and absolutely no one should be living their lives for the benefit of their next door neighbour.

Reality then is clashing with what you want to be true.

Some people have more in life, with or without having to work for it. It may not seem fair to you, but that’s just life. It isn’t ‘fair’, and doesn’t have to be. ‘Deserving’ doesn’t come into it. They also don’t have to ‘pay’ for their good fortune by way of falling short in some other area. It isn’t somehow more worthy or noble to have less, or to struggle if you don’t have to.

Your neighbors are just people, living their lives and doing what makes them happy. They’re living in accordance with their means and their values, in the same way that the majority of people are. They’re not thinking about you, why would they be? So why are you devoting headspace to them?

You don't have to allow them access to your land at all, let alone digging up the drive. Maybe tell them you'll only allow access if they build it so no windows are overlooking you?

I just can’t get over how passive you have been OP. You are informed of a planning application which has a detrimental affect on your property but you just shrug your shoulders and don’t even query it, you also just believe an architect and surveyor who are employed by your neighbours are telling you the truth regarding the boundary, again you just shrug your shoulders, but what tops all of that is the builders enter your property without your permission and dig up your garden, dig up your drive and continue using your property as their workplace!! Honestly you may as well just lie down and let your neighbours wipe their feet on you.

They’d have to go back via planning and I’m absotley positive they can do it without accessing her land, she already said it would just take longer.

But why do you assume such things and again why do you even think about it to make the assumption. Why give a damn about whay others have to the extent you probably have to move house as you’re so jealous?

surely everyine knows people have things for many reasons, from inheritance, to high earning roles to gifts on. Thays life. Drive down most streets and you will see a disparity of income. Yes there will be younger people than you with more. There will be older with less. Unless you want to go and live in student accommodation you’re always going to have this.

what about your next house. What if the neighbours extend due to an inheritance. What about if young people move in as it’s gifted. Will you move again? Constantly seeking somewhere you won’t see younger people with more than you?