AIBU to be upset by my neighbours' huge extension?

[ElfinsMum]

We (family of 5) live in a 30 year old property built on a small site that was originally our neighbour's garden. We bought several years ago from them. At that time, they were doing a renovation on the old cottage as the grandmother had died so that the early 20s DGD and her partner could move in. At the time i was a bit 🤔about it if i'm honest just because my (wealthy as it happens) parents have never and would never give me a house, let alone spend weeks personally slaving over a full blown renovation for me. Since then we have lived perfectly peacefully next door to them.

Now they are doing a large extension. They have bulldozed their whole back garden and the final house will now stretch all the way along our boundary front to back, as well as adding an extra storey to overlook our whole bungalow. The builders literally have to work on our land all day to build it. They have even had to remove a small section of our drive to lay foundations. They have moved out for the duration, i assume back with mum and dad for free. We are stuck here.

I know i am not being unreasonable to worry that their huge new extension will be ugly, dominate our space, reduce our privacy and probably damage the value of our house.

BUT we love living here, love the area, school, public transport, other neighbours etc. Our house is worn and lived in as everyone's is that is 15 years into this parenting caper.

I am aware, as you will now be, that I am being bitter and twisted on the subject. How can i continue to like living in our home? How do i avoid turning into one of THOSE people that has a stupid one-sided vendetta with the neighbours? How do i avoid being resentful that they will have a massive, polished home for the two of them, while we slum it over here with 5 of us in a cottage with one bathroom and a kitchen made of MDF? How do i forgive them for choosing to use every centimetre of their land when they must know it is at our expense?

P.S. The development meets local planning regs to the milimetre so don't bother with planning arguments.

It's bloody heartbreaking that your lovely cottage has been abused like this. Grieve over that, but don't get into resenting your parents. Most parents don't gift houses to their barely adult children then renovate them. This is nothing to do with them.

They did it. And when my DH questionned it they said that was their boundary line. And we checked our deeds and it's just a blurry photocopy with a huge smear of highlighter pen but looked like it was probably correct.

As i said, using every cm of their site.

Did you object to it under planning permission? Have you signed a party wall agreement? You do not have to give them access to your property that’s entirely up to you. Yes they should cover all costs for any damage, this should have been set out in your party wall agreement

Sorry OP but i don't think you have a leg to stand on. Either get over it or move, can you not move house but stay in the same area? Quit the bitterness as well. Resentment over things like this will twist you up inside.

I feel like norms have changed really quickly on this though @Anewerforest We are 20 years older than this couple. I know quite a few parents of 20 something kids who have bought their first flat either outright or sufficiently so that the payments are affordable enough. Yes i know that is v privileged and there are many more 20 somethings that will be renting forever.

DH and i are in discussions about how much we need to save for our own kids. But is it really healthy to gift a whole house?

At the time i was a bit 🤔about it if i'm honest just because my (wealthy as it happens) parents have never and would never give me a house, let alone spend weeks personally slaving over a full blown renovation for me.

What is wrong with this? Their parents are generous and hard working. This is a good thing. You should be happy for them.

Of course it’s healthy. Why wouldn’t it be healthy?

Tbh it doesn't matter what parents choose to give their kids,personally I think it's a lovely thing to do.

You are coming across as deeply unpleasant and bitter, have a strong word with yourself and get over it!

I see you’ve said it’s all planning compliant, but does that actually give them permission to work from and damage your land? Are there no party wall or equivalent regulations? That’s the bit for me that sounds like you do have scope to be annoyed for.

As for the rest of it, it sounds like the parents could afford the original reno by selling off your plot, without which you wouldn’t have had your home! Things neighbours do are shit. But that’s life. We just have to accept it or move incredibly rurally. But you’re still ok to get annoyed and upset and vent here!

Honestly? Because i felt it was a bit princessy to be given a house worth over half a million quid pretty much straight out of uni.

But as i said in a previous post, i feel like norms are changing really quickly in this area.

Family wealth isn't 'princessy'. I doubt she demanded it stampng her feet.
I would do the same for my kids one day, if you can afford to give your kids a leg up, why wouldnt you?

This is such a ridiculous overreach - how the hell have you come to the conclusion that the OP’s neighbours somehow have ‘no substance’, because they’ve built a house the OP doesn’t like.

What a hirrible thing to infer about people you know nothing about.

People are allowed to have nice things OP, it doesn’t make them bad or wrong.

In all honesty, if you had the same opportunity to extend and remodel your home to give your family more space you would probably jump at the chance.

Honestly, OP, I think you need to distinguish between stuff like whether they’re encroaching on your property boundaries (does this mean your fence was in the wrong place? Find out!) and your own hangups about what other people think of you, or envy about someone else being given a house.

Because it undermines the kid's independence and....dunno what to call it.... ambition? graft?

Isn't there a certain pride that comes from saying "we earned this"?

Christ that makes me sound like Bloody Maggie. Ouch.

Are you in the uk? If so they cannot do this without permission from planning and crucially need a party wall agreement to be close to your property and cannot enter your land without permission. Guessing there’s some missing information here

Two entirely different matters at play here.

YANBU to be annoyed that your neighbours new house is doubling in size and will overlook yours, plus the building works.

YABU to be jealous because these people gave their daughter a house and your 'wealthy' parents didn't give you one.

I felt resentment at my neighbours who did a huge back and side extension over about a year. I worked nights at the time and the mess, noise and inconvenience was immense!

However, it was all above board and I had to just let it go. They did something to benefit their family, that they were within their right to do

Ask for compensation for your garden, you shouldn't have your land damaged for their work

Change your general attitude about them tho...you are quite unkind/jealous about them before they did the extension, so that won't be helping your mindset. Pre extension, they did absolutely nothing wrong, and even now they aren't really, its just that you are inconvenienced by them

Yet here you are stomping your feet complaining your parents didn't give you a big house.

Notwwithstanding the sheer annoyance of the disturbance to your peace while it's being built and the uncertainty of what it will be like and how bad it might be once done - I think this is all about issues with your parents...Forcing yourself to feel ok with not being helped out even when they could have is so hard.

What is going on next door is an example of excessive privilege from parents perhaps but I'm thinking it's magnified a niggling family issue so that you have to confront it and work out where it's coming from.

These two things are connected though: because they were given the house, they can now afford the extension too.

Ok, the more I read the more I find your views on the gifted house extreme! Anyway, you said in the OP it was inherited from GP. Honestly, life is unfair. They had a big leg up and they’re enjoying it. You being bitter over not getting the same isn’t going to help how you feel about this extension. You’ll only build more resentment and anger.

Gosh, where do I start?

Yes, sure I can imagine anyone would be upset at the loss of privacy and a large house dominating their space. Building works are also invasive, noisy and stressful. You have my sympathies.

But all the side-eyeing and jealousy over the daughter and the fact that the neighbour will have a large, polished house? That’s too much. Get over it.

I know you said that the building meets planning regulations but if it’s going to be that intrusive and impact on your privacy, did you object to the planing application? And more importantly, what does your party wall agreement say? Our neighbours are currently having a large extension built but we made sure that our rights and property were safeguarded in the party wall agreement. We would never have agreed to any part of our property being dug up, and have refused to allow the builders to carry out any work from our side of the boundary; the only exception will be to allow them, with 14 days notice, to come onto our land to point the brickwork on the new party wall, which will form the side of their extension.

I don't think i am exactly doing that @MrsCarmelaSoprano (love your username!).

I was actually asking how to overcome my resentment at them.

And as an aside ended up commenting that expectations appear to have shifted in my adulthood so that my parents were clear to me that they would not support me financially as an adult at all because i needed to stand on my own two feet....but I and DH are currently grappling with how to fund x3 first time buys. I feel like someone did a number on all of us somewhere here!

P