Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

Oh op.

@HeadDeskHeadDesk It's not double standards that are the problem it's this -

The man had an affair and left.

If he was so unhappy why did he not convey this to his wife? Was he struck dumb as well as unhappy.? Then they could have had a discussion and made arrangements.
This is what mature sensible people do.
Unfortunately, I have seen that scenario very few times.

I always find it amazing that a man suddenly decides he's unhappy when a new women appears at his workplace/office/bank/pub/doctor's surgery etc. and shows an interest in him.😉

It's not the leaving that's the issue for me, it's the cheating.

If they are unhappy they (male or female) should speak up and leave. However, in my experience most men don't want to leave, they want a wife and an affair and they want them concurrently. They tend not to go until they have a nice soft landing somewhere.
And, as we've seen, there is always some airhead willing to take them on.

What has meeting or not meeting his daughters got to do with it. If you both want to get married then do it. They are adults so they too can do what they like.

Anyone else wondering if it’s actually the DC who don’t want to meet op? Or whether the partner is actually keeping DC away from OP, because they’d have a very different tale to tell?

That poor hard done by high earner who can’t afford a bed - can someone call Bob Geldolf to organise Amazing dad aid?

So you’ve got assets. Has he got assets?

If he does, do they match yours?

Always remember that if you died, your assets would go to him.

Be very careful and get good legal advice.

Love is great, but where money is concerned, the children that should get it rarely do.

😂😂

They're adults. How could she stop them? It's blindingly obvious that they don't want to meet the OP themselves. Nothing to do with their mother, they just don't want the see the Other Woman. And who can blame them?

I know 😊

Are you sure he is not still involved with his wife. Why is it taking him so long to get divorced. With adult children it would not be a complicated divorce and shouldn’t take that long. You don’t know for sure that the daughters won’t meet you , you only have his word for it , he seems to want to keep a distance between you and them, is it because they might reveal things you don’t know ? The fact that he is there at the drop of a hat does not suggest he is ready to move on, he has a 20 year history with them and you are/were the OW. Sounds like he still has a foot in their camp. Why does he need to be there at the drop of a hat. They are young adults not small children. Why do you want to marry someone straight out of a divorce , they have had no time to process anything , it is unhealthy plus he is a cheater and could do the same to you.

You have taken away their sense of safety and security with the affair. You are one of two people involved in the breakdown of the marriage of their parents. Why in their right mind would they want to meet you? The cheek that you even entertain the idea they should be in your life in any meaningful way. You’re either glib, dumb or both.

This is simply not true. A will cannot be easily overturned, exceptional reasons would have to apply and a mother leaving her estate to her children is not one of those reasons. For the surviving spouse to be even be able to make such a claim they would have to prove that the dead person had been financially responsible for supporting them while alive.

It can if it leaves the spouse in a worse position than the children. A spouse have a higher legal standing to claim than a child. I'm not saying it's a given but if he chose to challenge the will he could well take a chunk of what should have gone to her kids. It's a big gamble when there are pre-existing children involved.

https://www.estplan.co.uk/cut-a-spouse-out-of-my-will

That's completely understandable if you were never given the opportunity to meet her and the whole thing was sprung on you. My mum married someone I'd only met once and she'd only known for a matter of weeks herself. Didn't tell me and my siblings until after she'd done it. (We'd all left home, so we had no idea she was planning it.) We never quite forgave her and it changed our relationship forever.

But in this case I get the impression it's been the girls' choice all along to have nothing to do with the OP. That's their right, but it's also his right to remarry if he wants to. They are adults. They can't complain that he's marrying someone they've never met if they've had ample opportunity to meet her and have chosen not to. He's been with her for several years already, so it's not like it will be a bolt out of the blue, either.

Well of course no-one would tell a woman that. But they wouldn't need to, because the usual assumption is that children will stay with their mother and the man will move out if she requires it. Men don't usually have that particular privilege or advantage, do they? Things have to be pretty awful at home for a man to move out, leave his kids behind and pay for a second property in which to live on his own. It's a last resort. Many just won't be able to afford it and if they are not the primary carers for children, they will get no financial help. The most they'd be able to stretch to is some grotty room in a grotty house share with no space for their kids to visit. Or sleeping in a box room at their mother's house.

Which might be why they are so reluctant to leave as soon as it becomes clear they are no longer happy rather than hanging on in there trying to make the best of a bad situation until someone comes along that they feel it's worth finally upsetting the apple cart for. Especially if that someone can then share the financial responsibiity of another home.

If a woman with children under 18 wants to end her marriage she can usually insist her husband moves out and continues to pay towards a house he can no longer live in, whether he wants to end the relationship or not. He can't do the same to her in most cases, can he?

Of course he’s a fucking player. A liar and a cheat. Wonder why his daughters don’t want to meet you? This is truly hilarious. You are so stupid. He won’t be with you forever, just until the next woman takes his fancy.

I guess I should be keeping a closer eye on my own husband for signs that he's ready to move onto his next fancy piece. After all, it's only been 36 years since he left his first wife for me. He barely leaves the house without me, but still, it's far too soon for me to get complacent eh? Once a player always a player.

Don’t be a dick. If he betrayed and lied to his first wife and children? The fact that he hasn’t done that to you (as far as you know) hardly makes him a catch…..

He barely leaves the house without me,

This isn’t a flex you know.

If the only reason your DH doesn’t cheat is because he ‘barely leaves the house without you’ then you have way bigger problems.

Most women would prefer a man who regularly leaves the house without them (and actually has their own life and friendships) but is still trustworthy, rather than only being trustworthy because they rarely do anything without their DW.

Haha, nice try. Who said it's the only reason he doesn't cheat? 😂He just prefers being with me to anyone else. And I have zero marriages problems thanks, big ones or otherwise. We do almost everything together, including socialising with joint friends because we both like it that way, just like lots of happily married couples who've been together donkey's years.

Meet his daughters. Then go from there

He didn't have any children. And neither did I when I cheated (many times with several people) on my first husband.

But the point is, I've never cheated on this husband.

He hasn’t. She thinks he will when he eventually gets divorced.

If he was a brilliant dad you would have met these kids.

Red flag.

OP has already said he pays the mortgage on his Children’s family home , not everyone , infact lots can’t afford two houses !

Nearly everyone on here has gone into various different rants , he’s this , that , the other thing .
He just has to have ulterior motives.
It can’t be as simple as they are in love , but his daughters don’t want to know her because they’re not happy their father has moved on .

Should she marry him without meeting them is the question here ?
Personally speaking , all circumstances aside , I wouldn’t be rushing to marry anyone after being married already that I only know for 3 years .