Mother’s Day - AIBU to say ‘let’s keep it in perspective’ on Mumsnet

[Cyclistontheroad]

AIBU to say to everyone - let’s keep expectations low, keep calm - it’s Mothering Sunday… not your ‘big birthday’ .

a handmade or shop bought card is lovely

a bunch of flowers or a few chocs is lovely.

breakfast in bed is lovely

but so is a hug from your kid… or playing with them…

yes the ‘bits’ are nice but we don’t need them to be appreciated.

you’re appreciated every time they say ‘thanks mum’ when you make the dinner or help them with their homework.

for some, the appreciation might not come until your kids grow up and they become adults and parents - sometimes it is then that the penny drops… gosh mum did so much for me

every Mothering Sunday there is a barrage of posts about how the kids / husband / ex have made no effort into getting things / doing things or have done it wrong as the expectations of Mothering Sunday are really high.

You are blessed to be a mother - many for many reasons never get the chance… don’t get hung up on the trappings and the stuff… no matter how much or how little you receive today it’s just one day and it’s not a true reflection of love and appreciation.

keep it calm, keep it real !

As long as you only use it once a year, thats fine 😁
Enjoy your day

I also thought it's not really fair on other park users. The flowers there are for everybody to enjoy and while it's a lovely idea to pick flowers for your DM, I wouldn't have let my child take them from a park.

What if every kid went to the park and picked daffodils? Quite shocked by that actually- which adult allowed her to do that?

Absolutely

Exactly this, I don’t think we should be encouraging women to feel smaller than they already do. Make yourself just a little bit smaller, don’t be a bother to anyone. How many women put their families needs before themselves regularly?

I’m not sure this attitude of “suck it up stop being difficult” has ever worked well for women at any point in time. Consistently telling women to settle for less is never good for women but it’s bloody convenient for the people who benefit from their labour.

Even if it’s a card, breakfast sorted, everything cleaned up and tidied, plans to do something and then told to go have a glass of wine while bath and bedtime is sorted. It’s not about money, it’s about acknowledgment. Love and appreciation is not demonstrated with zero effort. When women show love and appreciation it’s clear what they are doing it. Why do women have to scry for the “love and appreciation”.

I suspect that many of the husbands and kids who don’t bother with Mother’s Day are also pretty unappreciative the rest of the time, and when they ignore Mother’s Day, it’s the last straw for the mums, @Cyclistontheroad.

If your family is appreciative and thoughtful the rest of the year, then them missing Mother’s Day wouldn't be as hurtful.

I think the problems started when mothers day became something men were supposed to facilitate for their children's mother. When it was strictly child to mother, you were happy with the card they made at nursery or the daffs from church, with the offering getting more sophisticated as they got older. Now men are expected to orchestrate the day on their children's behalf, this is done to varying degrees of thoughtfulness and extravagance, seen as reflective of how much HE appreciates her. Much of the angst arises from women's disappointment their partners have done a rubbish job.

We don’t do mothers day or fathers day very much. My partner is French and it’s not such a big deal there. It used to be quite the performance with my DM when I was a kid and tbh I feel ok about being very low key now. For us it’s a cultural tradition we’ve kind of swerved - I don’t feel short changed or taken for granted, it’s just not super relevant to me.

So op never came back. Just dumped a steaming pile of dung and left. Nice

I don't understand Mother's Day or Father's Day at all - it's twee, gimmicky nonsense. I can see how it might be sweet to receive a little card or present from a child maybe. But people expecting their partners to buy them cards and take them out, and wanting a whole ritual around it, as if you don't get enough fuss on birthdays/Christmas/anniversaries etc etc? Absolutely bizarre.

Are you kidding?

I'm of the opinion that you can't have too much joy in your life. If Mother's Day and Father's Day provides an additional reason to do something nice for someone you love then why is that nonsense?

I’d guess they get no help/ they aren’t thought of all year except this and birthday and they just built it up into something where they’d get a break. I was working for it so it wasn’t a big deal to me but I’d get if you were off, exhausted and hoping for something lovely to happen then the only way to go would be downhill!!

Some of those posts are just bait for all the posters who love being competitive about how little they care about Mother’s Day and how appreciative they are just to have kids in the first place and how spoiled and unrealistic everyone else is.

The main thing that bugs me about MN around Mother’s Day is the tedious comments explaining the origin of “Mothering Sunday” as if anyone cares/ isn’t already aware of this and phrases like “Hallmark holiday”, consumerism, commercialism blah blah etc.
If you’ve read one of these kind of comments, you’ve read them all and yet people just keep on posting the same drivel as if it’s completely original, fascinating new insight.

Because for some people it's not joy, it's social pressure and it creates expectations, often expense, and stress. And once you have started it, it's hard to walk back from.

Its joy for many

For people who have a lot of resources, I imagine every festival and event is joyful. My point is about how much needless pressure it creates for the rest.

Do you apply the same approach to christmas? No-ones allowed to have fun

I often feel stressed about Christmas for the same reasons, yes. And the expectations and expense there are even more magnified. I try to manage it by saving towards it monthly.

I wouldn't encourage her to steal flowers from the local park. Maybe suggest she takes them from your garden instead if hand picking them is going to be more "meaningful".

But it is a joy for lots of people so not 'nonsense' or 'bizarre'. And if someone close to you finds it joyful then its quite unkind to dismiss it as nonsense.

That reminds me of the Royale family classic sketch.

She's a vegetarian nanna. Can't she have wafer thin ham lol.

It's celebrating people for being parents. It's nonsense to me, as much as Valentine's Day is and any other similar cultural tradition. Red Hair Day or Singles Day or whatever arbitrary stuff society has chosen to monetize. And yes, it's absolutely bizarre to expect men to go and buy presents and celebrate on behalf of a child who likely doesn't even understand Mothers Day. It's back-slapping, performative guff.

In your opinion. Others feel differently.

Why is showing appreciation to someone you love or teaching your child to show appreciation to their parents ‘performative guff’. It’s just being nice and teaching your children to be nice.

Nobody is forcing you to do it but there’s no need to be so judgemental to those who think and behave differently to you.

My lovely mum died 25 years ago. I don’t feel envious of others on Mothers Day who are with their mums because it’s not my mum. I have two adult sons who are the loveliest chaps. Kind, funny, hardworking. They’re good all year round and that’s what’s important to me xx