Mother’s Day - AIBU to say ‘let’s keep it in perspective’ on Mumsnet

[Cyclistontheroad]

AIBU to say to everyone - let’s keep expectations low, keep calm - it’s Mothering Sunday… not your ‘big birthday’ .

a handmade or shop bought card is lovely

a bunch of flowers or a few chocs is lovely.

breakfast in bed is lovely

but so is a hug from your kid… or playing with them…

yes the ‘bits’ are nice but we don’t need them to be appreciated.

you’re appreciated every time they say ‘thanks mum’ when you make the dinner or help them with their homework.

for some, the appreciation might not come until your kids grow up and they become adults and parents - sometimes it is then that the penny drops… gosh mum did so much for me

every Mothering Sunday there is a barrage of posts about how the kids / husband / ex have made no effort into getting things / doing things or have done it wrong as the expectations of Mothering Sunday are really high.

You are blessed to be a mother - many for many reasons never get the chance… don’t get hung up on the trappings and the stuff… no matter how much or how little you receive today it’s just one day and it’s not a true reflection of love and appreciation.

keep it calm, keep it real !

I think context matters here and the posters that say people getting upset is down to bigger issues of feeling under appreciated are dead right.

I had a "big birthday" this year and my lovely husband was absolutely useless, I did everything. And in the context of us both working full time but given the nature of his job, I do the majority of the childcare was incredibly hurt at the lack of thought and effort into my birthday.

So I am very touched him and the kids made such an effort this morning, breakfast in bed, handmade presents and all plans for the day made. To me, it isn't a capitalist day at all, I just feel loved and appreciated

I agree with you. So what if it's actually a "relationship problem" as someone helpfully said. These can be the days where it hits home to some mums that something needs to change and they come here for a bit of support. Belittling their feelings/banging on about capitalism is harsh.

I feel the same my dd mental health is so bad also Audhd with an eating disorder,though she did say Happy Mother's day. I am feeling grateful for that.

I agree op that it has become too consumerist and performative.

so how does telling women to

• stop moaning
• that the appreciation may not come until a vague ‘later’
• and that they are lucky to be a mother anyway

…make that situation any more likely?

it anything, it encourages settling.

honestly, people blathering on about late stage capitalism or instagram must have the emotional intelligence of slugs. Glad I don’t know anyone like this in real life.

it’s really not hard to imagine that a day like this has the potential to bring up feelings of dissatisfaction and upset to many households.

Mothers Day has been sadly ruined by my own mothers narcissistic demands. Has always valued lots of presents and an expensive lunch, even in times where I was a student and had little spare money. We no longer have a relationship, and the biggest present today is not having to deal with that. Awful hey!

I feel like I’ve rebelled and expect very little…a card and spring flowers are enough. I agree with pp saying it is a Hallmark holiday and one that can drive crazy expectations in some.

I’m off to church this morning for the original meaning of Mothering Sunday. It was your call to return home to your mother church. I’ll get an hours peace and reflection too! 😂

Absolutely bonkers that post. It’s ridiculous and commercialised.

You are blessed to be a mother - many for many reasons never get the chance…

I find this quite patronising and dismissive.
The fact that some women who want children aren't able to have them is, of course, very sad but that doesn't mean that mothers shouldn't ever be allowed to feel or express sadness! It is possible to feel grateful for your childs existence and your role as a Mum, but still want a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation on Mother's Day.

I really hate judgy posts like this. My children are my world, and I'm so grateful and blessed to have them every single day of my life.

To want to be celebrated and appreciated for all I do for them, and our family, isn't too much to ask. A little bitter this year, as my marriage is in crisis and I clearly asked for reassurance and appreciation and an actual lie-in - instead I got half baked pastries at 06:30 am, a hand cream with the sticker on wrapped in a piece of actual paper sans tape, and a card with the phrase for mother on it I vocally hate being called - which happens to be what he calls his own DM. I was told we were on a budget and he couldn't do more - after he had an expensive piece of hobby equipment delivered. So yes, some of us are bitter and venting over Mother's Day. We wish we weren't too.

I'm not Christian, so the day doesn't mean much to me. (I'm hoping someone will tell me it has Pre Christian origins as things usually do!)

I love a cuddle and a "thanks Mum" but that can be any day!

What really gets me is when some Grandmothers are grabby and performative about it. Flowers, cards and days out / meals. It makes daughters and daughter in laws feel smaller as they have to placate to meet their demands.

Note that I say SOME grandmothers, definitely not all 💐

Err, where did I say that? I said they're focusing on the wrong things if their relationship is that shit. One day of grand gestures isn't going to make up for year round neglect is it?

And capitalism and insta-shit really has skewed expectations of just about everything. People who can't see that must have the awareness of slugs and I'm glad I don't know anyone like that in real life.

Couldn’t agree more. It’s essentially a made up day to make money from that people fall for and then complain about.

We are all quite busy today so celebrated yesterday - bottomless brunch and some lovely flowers
DD sent me a soppy message this morning, doubt DS is even awake
I know they care!
At the moment having a nice soak in the bath whilst scrolling - tonight I am taking my DM out for a meal

My Mum has 3 daughters all also Mums. Weve
all made sure she gets a card and flowers etc None of us live close to one another which makes it harder. We try to every so often meet on the Saturday for a meal - this year due to different reason for each of us we haven’t done - my Mum completely understands.

Even my very difficult MiL is ok(ish) with the Sunday being for me. My husband organises himself and they spend the Saturday together (live over 3 hours away)

I think it’s just knowing a little bit of thinking /effort/care.

Of course he didn't, he's not a self righteous arse who's lost all sense of perspective

People have a right to be upset if they get nothing at all. But equally if people set high expectations and they aren’t met they shouldn’t be drama llamas about it. Also I never really understand posts where OPs are upset family have forgotten because I just remind mine. Same with my birthday. No chance anyone is forgetting and no point in martyring myself.

What a condescending load of twaddle basically telling women to put up and shut up. Let mothers celebrate how they wish

You can’t pick flowers from a public park!! 😳🤯 Isn’t that up there (or rather, down there) with swiping them from a cemetery?

I’m wondering if people skated by this sad, but brave to express, post.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way but just wanted to send hugs.

We aren’t celebrating so much as being celebrated and we don’t really have control over what this looks like. So if it doesn’t live up to expectations we have a choice to be sad about it every year, to say to ourselves it doesn’t matter and do something for ourselves or to communicate better to family what we would like in the hope that they will listen. Sandwich-gate seemed to have been caused by the OP feeling she had communicated something and it being disregarded. But people were like ‘you’re still getting a lovely cream tea ffs’. All about the expectations.

love this. I would be happy with a hug and a thank you from my children. I love spending my days with them and love doing things for them. I find it a bit sad that mothers day has become so commercial

I tell my adult kids every year that a card is enough. I don’t eat chocolates, I don’t want to go out to lunch at a rip off cost, and I don’t need any more clutter. I know they love me, they show it all year.

I just wish they’d listen.

Is there a cringe emoje for your use of cray cray 😂

If you can’t be cringe on Mother’s Day of all days then WHEN CAN YOU?

DSD made sure DS had some flowers to give me as it’s the first Mother’s Day his dad (exH) isn’t here to help him with it.
DS is 12 and thoughtful and would do it himself if he had funds but he’s had enough on his plate the last few months.
I was really touched by DSD stepping in (she always wishes me happy Mother’s Day anyway)

You are being completely delulu 😁