Sick of fun DH

[StressedNeedCoffee66]

I'm at breaking point and need some advice on some coping skills.

We have an 18 month old DS. DH is great with him. He loves playing with him, he's super patient and fun and caring. Except....that's all he does. Pretty easy to be fun when you have NO other responsibilities. I do and think of everything else.

DH works in a very easy low paying job that is also his passion; he really does not want the stress of anything better paid or a promotion (although he is highly educated and has potential).

So I am the breadwinner, by far. I work in a very stressful job and long hours and I will never be able to take a step back. I handle everything - bills, DYI, house stuff, DS' clothes, shoes, nursery stuff. Just everything. Even organizing a cleaner is my responsibility.

I tried delegating things, for example:

• cooking, he says he loves cooking. But he cooks the same 3 meals on repeat (heavy on meat and carbs). DS went for weeks without seeing a vegetable and got quite constipated. The kitchen was a bombsite.
• car stuff. Car ended up undriveable and I had to arrange service and MOT as he just "forgot" to do it in time.

There's more examples but you get the idea.

I don't want to break up, not yet anyway. I don't want to see DS less. But I'm so tired and stressed and just not "fun". I don't know what to do. I am trying to see the positives but at the moment he gets all the upside and I get all the downsides.

Outsource to a gardener, cleaner. Get meal delivery boxes where he just has to follow the recipe. Downsize. Move to a cheaper area and get a less stressful job.

I suspect you just want a vent about the mental load?

I would have originally said this is fixable but dh needs a stern kick up the ass and reality check...until you said I dont want to break up yet anyway... Why are you delaying that? I assume you have been thinking about it. Or do you mean I havent yet thought we should break up?

Don't stand for it, and don't accept it. It's going to be uncomfortable, but I think you probably need to read him the riot act.

So what was it about him that made him attractive as a spouse and potential father? Has he changed or was he always like this?

It's not the end of the world to admit you've made a mistake in marrying a person who really isn't compatible with you.

I assume you've told him umpteen times how overwhelmed you are and have told him to step up or the marriage is at risk?

If you delegate cooking, be clear what you mean. Do you mean simply putting ingredients in a pan (straight forward), or do you mean everything that is involved with cooking e.g. the week's worth of nutritionally balanced meal planning, food shopping, cupboard replenishment, putting away shopping, tidying as you go while actually cooking, cleaning up after cooking etc etc....

We share physical cooking and cleaning up in our household and split meal planning and food shop as otherwise it covers such a huge area of responsibility.

Be clear what you will handle, and what he will handle. Raise your expectations!

Working in a low stress job I can get (having recently, not through choice, had to take a step down)

I can't do DIY - but instead buy in the skills of trades.

The rest of it - inexcusable lazy arse

Have you tried making lists of everything you both do / bring to the partnership?

And having an adult conversation about the balance being (way) off?

Is he capable of that? Of listening, and communicating? Are you?

You’ve tried delegating responsibility to this feckless individual but it hasn’t worked. I’d be tempted to send him back to his parents for the foreseeable so they might give him the kick up the backside he needs. Explain to them how it is for you, how the marriage and the future with him are in jeopardy. They too must be frustrated by his unfulfilled potential as they must have had some part in him being highly educated. It’s time their “baby” grew up.

Have you had the conversation with him? And pointed out that organising everything for him, doing his share of all the boring shit jobs as well as his, on top of a stressful job and carrying the financial burden for the family, is going to ultimately lead to so much resentment that it will kill your marriage? It's inevitable that it will happen unless something changes as staying with him will just add to your list of things to organise and clean up after

Well in addition to others advice stop enabling his crappy behaviour. Stop doing everything. Do stuff for you and son and thats it. When all his clothes are dirty he will learn to wash the. When he’s hungry he will cook for himself etc etc.

He obviously needs managing. Tell him to get the MOT done, servicing etc. instruct him what to make for dinner. Delegate. Whatever. He's incapable of using initiative, you have it in spades. Yes, I know you shouldn't have to, but there you are.

He sounds either stupid or malicious, actually. You imply he isn't stupid, so he must be doing this on purpose. I would be having a serious come-to-Jesus talk with him, and let him know he needs to start pulling his weight. If he "can't remember " to do things like tax the car or wash up his coffee mug, then he needs to find some ways of learning routines so he can remember.

I would find an adult who behaves like this absolutely unattractive. What are his good qualities beyond "fun dad"?

Him being more fun as a caregiver to a small child is a separate issue to him not pulling his weight around the home. The former is something that I think a lot of Mums feel, and it only get worse if you separate. The term ‘Disney Dad’ didn’t come from nowhere. There’s not much you can do about it and nor should you try. The latter is an issue. Make lists of all the things you do to contribute and all the things he does to contribute and let him see in black and white that he is failing to do his share.

Let me guess … Barista in a place that takes ten minutes to produce a cup of coffee?

@BMW6 said It’s not the end of the world to admit you’ve made a mistake in marrying a person who really isn’t compatible with you.

It’s pretty much all there is to say.

(And those people urging you to write lists for your grown ass husband should be ashamed of themselves.)

If you wrote down everything single thing that needs to be managed/done in the house and highlighted what you do and what he does, what would his reaction be? (To be clear, not suggesting you do write a list)
Would he be horrified and start creating a plan - phone reminders, meal plans, etc etc
Or would he just go 'il try harder' and then try for 2 weeks and it slides off?

The trouble is you're losing/have lost respect for him. It's like having two children

Plan to split ASAP

Learn to live with the idea of 50/50

Your child will soon see how useless his father is when said father has to do everything for himself in his own place

Why? There’s another adult in the house

Sit down for a serious chat about needing to be married to an adult and thst this is a potential divorcing issue if he doesn't sort it

We've had plenty of conversations and arguments about it. He tries harder for a bit, then he starts getting angry at me for "nagging" and then it just goes back to how it was. He won't change.

I need some coping skills. I don't know what. Some ideas beyond "get a cleaner".

I'm not willing to see DS less, not right now anyway.

You need to be more organized and delegate.

Does he do drop off and pick up?
Does he take turns are bedtime?

I do an online food shop, DH the goes to collect it.
Share cooking, you've already bought the food so tell him what's for tea.

Bills - direct debits
DC - clothes - next online and make DH collect/return what doesn't fit.

He cleans or sorts a cleaner.

Look for ways to make it easier and delegate. Otherwise you'll resent him more and more and be even more unhappy.

Would he actually want DS for anywhere near half the time? That'd put him in serious danger of having to do some household chores and non fun parenting.

Couples therapy - might help get him to see all that you do?

Sorry op but you sound completely incompatible.

As a pp asked, what attracted you to him in the first place?

There aren't any coping strategies other than to manage your expectations. He clearly knows the problem and can't or won't change so maybe focus on the fact he's a loving and present df, even if crap at everything else?

Have you got a spare room?
Move into it. Dump the dirty washing on DH's bed. And the washing up. Stop cooking. Buy cook chills just for yourself and DS. Eat off paper plates for the time being, until he clears the washing up that's piled up on his bed.
When he complains you just say; you don't want to do this stuff? Well nor do I. Then if he doesn't shape up, divorce him.

Do you think he’d listen to a 3rd party? If so, go to therapy.

eta - id try to fix this if possible before splitting. It’s not just less time with your DC, since you’re breadwinner by far you may end up having to pay support to him on top of everything else.