Sick of fun DH

[StressedNeedCoffee66]

I'm at breaking point and need some advice on some coping skills.

We have an 18 month old DS. DH is great with him. He loves playing with him, he's super patient and fun and caring. Except....that's all he does. Pretty easy to be fun when you have NO other responsibilities. I do and think of everything else.

DH works in a very easy low paying job that is also his passion; he really does not want the stress of anything better paid or a promotion (although he is highly educated and has potential).

So I am the breadwinner, by far. I work in a very stressful job and long hours and I will never be able to take a step back. I handle everything - bills, DYI, house stuff, DS' clothes, shoes, nursery stuff. Just everything. Even organizing a cleaner is my responsibility.

I tried delegating things, for example:

• cooking, he says he loves cooking. But he cooks the same 3 meals on repeat (heavy on meat and carbs). DS went for weeks without seeing a vegetable and got quite constipated. The kitchen was a bombsite.
• car stuff. Car ended up undriveable and I had to arrange service and MOT as he just "forgot" to do it in time.

There's more examples but you get the idea.

I don't want to break up, not yet anyway. I don't want to see DS less. But I'm so tired and stressed and just not "fun". I don't know what to do. I am trying to see the positives but at the moment he gets all the upside and I get all the downsides.

He's an adult. You shouldn't have to tell him what to do in excruciating detail. Managing someone is a job in and of itself. By the way I have ADD and terrible executive function, and I still manage to do the bulk of the housework and childcare. Not very well much of the time! But I do it and I would feel bad if I left everything to someone I claim to love.

I love this. We have something similar, with our current whiteboard in the kitchen, so we can visualise and be organised as a family. 🙌

When we were first married and I worked shifts, we would have a rota system of week A and B and take turns to do the cooking, laundry and cleaning etc.

It changed when we had our DS, and again when Covid hit, as we started buying Gousto boxes, so that way we could choose our meals for the week together, and hubby (who barely cooked) absolutely loved cooking with them and it gave him confidence in the kitchen, and I knew our DS was getting veg when I went back to work 😆

After Covid we resorted to having a meal menu on the whiteboard for the week, and that dictated the food shopping.
I buy a meat pack in our local butchers every fortnight, and it has helped massively.
Our menu for instance;
Monday - cooked brekky tea or omelettes. 🍳
Tuesday - subway style sandwiches or tasty wraps with salad. 🥪
Wednesday - any pasta dish 🍝
Thursday - jacket spuds & fillings or sausage and mash 🥔
Friday - fish or steak with chips & veg/salad. 🐟
Saturday - Takeaway 😋
Sunday - Roast dinner. 🍖
We redo it every 3-4.months as prefer more salads in summer and stews in winter etc.
Both the slow cooker and airfryer are good investments for your kitchen.

We have a cleaner who comes once per month to give us both a break.

We also have what clubs/visits appointments on what days for all of us, and any upcoming birthdays etc. It has helped to organise our family in all honesty.
Something like this:
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1199540544/wipeable-perspex-family-meal-planner?ls=a&external=1&ref=landingpagesimilarlistingtop-1&bes=1&sts=1&plkey=EuKNIwJEXKMIWtgyBsEN8q2L6V4e%3ALT133fddf1a8359dbcdd2341bba654a50959f8f083

It needs to be resolved and a plan needs to be made, or else the resentment will grow and it will eat you up.

Edited to add: I'm sorry you're going through this, the mental load is hard, on top of the pressure of being the bread winner, you cannot do both as he just expects an easier ride. That is not an equal partnership. He needs to be more of a team player, and realise he needs to step up or ship out.
Hugs to you OP 💐

@StressedNeedCoffee66

Posts like that just make me exasperated.
why why why women marry someone useless like that, have children and then complain?

why would anyone marry a lazy person with no money or ambition who will force you in the position of breadwinner forever?

I don’t care about his “passion”. He is lazy, full stop

but why did you choose him and thought - oh he’s going to be a great partner for life and a great dad and I can rely on him???

Sorry this marriage is dead. Stop flogging dead horse.

Could you take a less stressful job and cut out a few financial things. Not easy but sometimes cutting back a bit is better than having a breakdown.

Aaah, you "nag" him do you? "Nag" is the most genius word in the English language - men use it to guilt women into not demanding the most basic of things.

I think you have a couple of options here. If he was a genuinely good person, then, theoretically, you could tell him how you feel and he'd improve. But that clearly isn't happening.

Let's assume that he's not a bad person (although I'm finding it hard to believe based on the level of incompetence, entitlement and low-level gas ligthing he's doing). Let me ask you this - how much do you cover for him? When your child was constipated? Did you tell him outright why? Did you mention it to your MIL? Or friends? In front of him?

When the car can't be used, do you rush around to fix it, or do you simply leave it to him to deal with and/or to explain to others. "Sorry MIL, we can't come over this week as the car isn't roadworthy."

I hate to say it, but if you were to split, there are two liklihoods, neither of which is great for you or your DS
1 He fights for, and gets, his share of custody. But he is a terrible parent so every time your DS is with him, he comes home dirty, tired, badly fed.
2 He claims to want lots of itme with his DS but actually, he jst drifts along and unless he has family or friends who are wiling to prop him up, he disappears from your lives while telling anyone and everyone who will listen how awful it is tha the acn't see his precious darling son.

Tell him if he did what he's supposed to do, you wouldn't have to nag. Write down all his responsibilities and yours on a big sheet and pin it to your kitchen wall - his jobs/your jobs so it's crystal clear. If he doesn't live up to his responsibilities, start doing washing/cooking/cleaning for yourself and DS and just leave his stuff to pile up. Don't buy foods that he likes and arrange meal box delivery for you and DS. Make his life as uncomfortable as possible until he realises that co-operation is the way forward.

Bloke here! I identify with some of your husband's meals. We cracked it by setting a 2 week meal menu and all the recipes are written out for me. I know what I need to buy, how long things take and it is all comfortable. We do vary it a bit, and sometimes I make more than needed and freeze some. I'm not sure the children have worked out that it is all to script.

Are you not a bit embarrassed that you had to have recipes written out for you rather than taking the initiative, learning how to make them and doing it all yourself?

I find it immensely tedious that my DH claims to not understand nutrition as if it was beamed into my head by aliens rather than me researching what my DC needs to be healthy.

Jesus Christ.

Seriously?

So if the OP is a barrister / surgeon / Deputy Governor of the Bank of England - she should resign and get a part time job in a garden centre or work as a TA - to accommodate an utterly useless husband who is dragging down not just their standard of living but her peace of mind and enjoyment of parenthood?

Words fail.

Not really. And I did work out some myself, though I don't why I'm trying to justify myself. Surely the result outweighs your, probably astute, dig at my lack of creativity?

You could give a whiteboard a go as a last ditch attempt.

IME @D0RA’s right. Incompetent, feckless men rarely get their shit together enough to end up spending much time with their kids if they separate. If he’s a low earner, where’ll he live? May be worth cutting your losses now. The older children are when their parents separate, the more difficult it can be for them to adjust.

Alternatively, you could go with @Firefly100’s suggestion and separate from him but still live together. Behave like you’re a lone parent and he’s a lodger who’s good with you DS. Organise your life as you would as a lone parent. Don’t do anything for your DH. No meals, laundry, tidying up or life admin. Just do yours and for your DS.

Whether you split or carry on living together, you’ll still have to do everything yourself and be exhausted. But at least you’ll no longer be resentful.

Treat him as a very cheap nanny and micro manage as much as you can.

This is studied incompetence and plausible deniability. It’s all deliberate.

You have tried and tried and tried and he has resisted and resisted and resisted.

Know that he holds you with utter contempt beneath his no doubt confused smiles. He enjoys passive aggressively punishing you because beneath it all he is threatened by your competence.

I bet he had an overbearing mother who was engulfing which subconsciously he hated but is taking it out on you instead.

You will never change him.

But you will erode yourself and you will give your DC a miserable childhood because it’s all there implicitly in the air even if you never raise your voice or ‘nag’ again - the exhaustion, the frustration, the disappointment, the contempt, the erosion of your self respect and joy.

Your DC will absorb and internalise your distress and they will become anxious. Your DC deserves a joyous calm gentle fulfilled mother - that will make him feel secure.

Remember back to the week he was away - that could be your blissful existence and your DC will wallow in that safe warm environment. Lazy manipulative misogynistic man-child characters like your DH won’t bother with 50/50 - they will let it all slip to the odd weekend Disney Dad - let that happen - better that than the Disney Dad trashing your home and self esteem day in day out whilst living under your roof. The other thing about Disney Dads if you stay with them is that they don’t step up to discipline, they will not cooperate with you shoulder to shoulder - they will get deep pleasure in silently and covertly undermining you with your DCs. If you think that issues around chores are hard wait until discipline is needed - you have no idea what fresh hell that is. Ask me how I know…..

Give yourself the best opportunity of being the best version of yourself as a mother - that’s the one that will be the best for your DC. Disney Dad will pollute that.

Not helpful I know, but I'm curious to know if he's always been like this?

Isn't it amazing how these men seem perfectly intellectually capable outside the home, yet at home, they regress to having the mental capacity of 5 year olds? Their wives become a housekeeper, a cook, the default parent, and a personal assistant to them??

He's thoroughly assumed the role of a child in your relationship, whether you like it or not. Although it may seem to outsiders that you are some kind of type A powerhouse, he has a lot of control because he's managed to not do a lot of things, even basic adulting tasks. It's the relationship equivalent of 'driving from the backseat' where he gets to put his feet up and you do all the work.

'Strategic incompetence' comes to mind. Look it up.

Well, she has an idea if how she wants her life to be and it aint working is it, so.....something's got to give.

@Letterfrack

*He enjoys passive aggressively punishing you because beneath it all he is threatened by your competence.

I haven't read all her posts, but I wouldn't go that far. Some people just take the piss. It's in their nature and they try it on with everyone, even the person they're supposed to love. It might be less about actively enjoying punishing another person and more being gleeful that they actually get away with hardly doing anything.

What if someone had worse executive function than you ? It's a possibility and then what.

Then they need to be taking their partner's concerns seriously and being proactive in getting all the professional help and support they can. But if they just pretend there is no problem, belittle any concerns or just kick the can down the road...that's on them.

Yeah but that would be part of the problem, wouldn't it.

The problem is that writing lists / charts / cards doesn’t work for someone who doesn’t WANT to change . As a PP pointed out, he has a great life now , he’s happy and he doesn’t care that the OP is unhappy .He has ZERO motivation to change.

Whatever system she comes up with , he can thwart it. Let’s say he agrees to do the laundry -

If the Op reminds him, she is nagging .
if she doesn’t remind him, how does he know it needs done ?
if she teaches him what to do , she is micro managing him .
if she doesn’t teach him what to do, it’s her fault when he gets it wrong.
if she doesn’t look suitably grateful and thank him effusively , he will stop doing it because he’s not appreciated.
If she does thank him, she is being patronising so he will stop doing it.

And that’s just for starters. When he eventually decides to do the laundry , have you any idea of how many creative ways you can screw up it up ? Here’s some ideas for the man who wishes to weaponise his incompetence .

not being able to “ find “ the dirty laundry in the house
not washing sets of items ( socks , PJs, bedding ) together
not “ understanding” how to work the washing machine or the tumble dryer so you damage wife or child’s clothes
washing dry clean only items to destroy them
mixing up the detergent and the fabric softener
washing clothes without any detergent
running out of these so you cant do a wash
Washing with too much detergent ao it’s not rinsed out properly and damages clothes and skin
not understanding if you have hard or soft water
buying the wrong laundry products so child’s skin is affected
mixing up colours and fabrics so his wife and child’s clothes get damaged
washing or drying at the wrong temperature or spin speed so clothes get damaged
destroying clothes with colour runs
leaving wet clothes in the laundry basket or washing machine until they get mildew ( impossible to get out )
putting damp clothes or bedding back in wardrobe / cupboard
not washing clothes that are needed for particular activities , like school or work uniform
losing anything important “ somewhere in the machine “
not cleaning the machines so the clothes smell
leaving coins / paper clips in the clothes so they get into the drum
not doing up zips or hooks so delicate clothes get damaged
washing or tumble drying kids sportswear at high temperatures so that the team names / logos shrivel up and peel off

That’s before we even think about ironing . How many weeks and months would you be prepared to stand back and watch your husband destroy most of your clothes , your child's clothes , your towels and bedlinen and your child’s skin WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING ? Because otherwise you are not being Appreciative and Encouraging and Grateful. And Nothing He Ever Does Is Good Enough For You. And Your Standards are Too High .

Thats why so many women end it doing it all . Not because they are Weido Martyr Confrol Freaks . It’s because they don’t want to deal with the stress of living like ^^.

Firstly, he is not neurodiverse, he does not have ADHD or autism, he's just a bit lazy. Weird side track there.

Secondly, thanks to those who understand. I'm feeling extremely exhausted, low, vulnerable and unloved right now. DS is the light of my life and it breaks my heart to break up the family. Right or wrong, I need to give it a better go, and I don't know how.

This is the problem. Lack creativity = "I'm just born like this and can't change so you do it all for me". As if your OH was born with a BBC recipe book of family meals and nutrition guidelines embedded into her frontal cortex.

It takes two to tango OP.

You can only change your own behaviour here.

I think that book "Let Them" might help you.

I need to give it a better go

Buy you are already giving everything. There isn’t anything more you can do.

And honestly, how can this situation be good for your child? Imagine them talking to their therapist in thirty years: I grew up with a mother who was always exhausted, low, vulnerable and who felt unloved. So home wasn’t a happy place.