Sick of fun DH

[StressedNeedCoffee66]

I'm at breaking point and need some advice on some coping skills.

We have an 18 month old DS. DH is great with him. He loves playing with him, he's super patient and fun and caring. Except....that's all he does. Pretty easy to be fun when you have NO other responsibilities. I do and think of everything else.

DH works in a very easy low paying job that is also his passion; he really does not want the stress of anything better paid or a promotion (although he is highly educated and has potential).

So I am the breadwinner, by far. I work in a very stressful job and long hours and I will never be able to take a step back. I handle everything - bills, DYI, house stuff, DS' clothes, shoes, nursery stuff. Just everything. Even organizing a cleaner is my responsibility.

I tried delegating things, for example:

• cooking, he says he loves cooking. But he cooks the same 3 meals on repeat (heavy on meat and carbs). DS went for weeks without seeing a vegetable and got quite constipated. The kitchen was a bombsite.
• car stuff. Car ended up undriveable and I had to arrange service and MOT as he just "forgot" to do it in time.

There's more examples but you get the idea.

I don't want to break up, not yet anyway. I don't want to see DS less. But I'm so tired and stressed and just not "fun". I don't know what to do. I am trying to see the positives but at the moment he gets all the upside and I get all the downsides.

thats incredibly mean, but in reality what is it that he does? I mean you do everything and he skips away scot free

There are no coping skills anyone can advise you on. You either leave him or put up with it. We could tell you to do some meditation and breathing exercises

Doesn’t know that you are considering ending the relationship over this?

that it’s that bad?

You need to leave certain jobs to him, expect that he'll mess up, delay, forget.. and just let that happen. Which i know sounds awful. I was in a relationship like this and ended up just doing everything because the alternative was just too stressful. But. The resentment grew, and in the end we broke up.

If you don't step back and unburden yourself of some of the responsibilities of life, he will never change. You will do everything. And it will kill your relationship.

So you have two choices. Divide up certain tasks and jobs. And then just let him f up his share. But don't step in, don't nag.

And your second choice is, you know, to split up. But try the first approach beforehand. He might step up. And if he doesn't, you can walk away knowing you did everything you could.

This is just my experience in case it helps. I am not armchair diagnosing.
i googled, “why does it feel like I have to mother my husband like a teenager?”
and it wasn’t long before I realised my husband has ADHD and severe executive functioning issues.
Again, just my experience.
i learned a lot about my husbands brain from reading Dr Barkley.

Friend does those hello fresh boxes for her dh to cook.

I do wonder if he has weaponised incompetence?

It’s like you have two kids to look after. Unfortunately there are no magic “coping skills” to deal with this kind of crap partner. The only thing you can do to get you through to the point where you’re ready to break up with him is write him lists of all the jobs he needs to do and essentially “manage” him.

Give him an ultimatum and mean it.

If he doesn’t step up, leave him before you end up having to pay him child support.

Stop paying for anything that bdnefits him alone.
Your marriage is over and the sooner you start planning for separation the better.
You made a huge mistake with him.
He's a shit father too.
Anyone can play with a child for a bit whilst living off the childs mother and taking no responsibility for anying and not earning enough.
He's a complete loser.
You need to mind your health.
If you stay with him, you are risking yourself financially long term.
Far better to get legal advice and get out now.
He's not going to change, wasters like him never do.

I think I'd get legal advice & start planning the divorce so that as much as possible goes in my favour. Dont let on that you are planning this or he will start working against you.

The lack of cooking vegetables thing is actually neglectful. Does your DS not get fed any fruit or anything else?

I think this is why my grandmother always said four things

1. you don’t need a man
2. babies aren’t for everyone
3. but DO make sure there is somebody to take care of you in old age
4. if you’re having children, be fully okay with being a single mother. Men leave, they die, and they might be a shit dad. Even if they aren’t shit, women ultimately end up with the more caring roles for babies and young children.

she was a single mother to four children in the 60s. Men let her down throughout her life. She’s very much incredible so i take her very wisdom as gold. she had four surviving children, seven surviving grandchildren, and raised me. She’s probably the only person who never once let me down, she was always there, bless her.

Might it help to send him off on a course on basic meal planning and cooking?

How are the finances split? Can you stop contributing to things for his benefit or increase his contribution to cover outside help.

Chore chart. With rules. "Make dinner, must include 2 vegetables. " "clean bathroom, mop floor, bleach toilet, wipe all surfaces." "Take bins out, put new binbag in bin with lid replaced." You both have the same number of jobs, each week you switch sides so you're both doing exactly equal chores.

What things do you do for him?

Relationships are give and take. If he's not giving, he shouldn't be receiving.

He is essentially living his life on easy mode at your expense financially and physically.... he is also teaching your son he can opt out of doing his equal share of the drudgery.

How are the financials set up, does he have " fun " money? If he does I would be requiring him to pay for help in the house.

Just remember, @StressedNeedCoffee66, children become more complicated to look after every day. It’s comparatively easy now - your child will soon have a social life, and school clothes to launder, and homework to do, and music lessons, and sports coaching, and packed lunches, and weekend trips away, and calm efficient support through exams, and endless lifts - and all of this will fall to you, in addition to constant frustration and resentment, unless you make a break for freedom pdq.

It will be less of a rupture for an 18th month old than an 8 year old.

This is true. A good parent would make the effort to prepare nutritious food for their child child.
This man is happy to let his child suffer (you said he became constipated after weeks of no vegetables) in order to punish you for asking him to step up and do his share.

This will only get worse OP. But if you don’t see the point in talking to him and you don’t want to leave then you either tolerate it and do everything yourself or manage it.

I’d sit down with him and have the two of you come up with a list of what needs to be done on a regular and as hoc basis, agree who is doing what and stick to it. If he lacks imagination around meals perhaps you do the meal plan and food shop but he cooks what’s on the meal plan. Play to strengths as much as possible. Keep the tasks that impact you the most. Set up a shared to do list on your phones so if you (or he…) spots or thinks about something that needs doing it can get added to the list straight away so you both know it needs doing. Remind him that you’re his wife, not his mother or PA and point out that there’s nothing attractive about a husband who doesn’t pull his weight.

I mean loads of husbands do exactly what you do all the time and their SAHM wives post on here moaning that husband wants to do his 'hobby' and he has to come home from a Stag do😅
Why not reassess your job/ downsize, move somewhere cheaper, change lifestyle

The thing is that I and many other women are also ND, and yet we use our limited executive functioning skills to hold shit together for our families. |We might end up late sometimes, and I know I am not showered as much as I would like, but we are damn well trying our best to feed and clothe our kids appropriately, get their homework done, fix their boo boos and attempt to have clean clothes with minimal creases for everyone. He appears to... not be even trying to do any of that.

He's doing it on purpose. He doesn't care about the impact on you. Have you spelled out to him that your marriage will end if he doesn't shape up? It will, even if not in the immediate future.

I'd talk to a lawyer and plan for this eventuality.

He's lazy and put instant gratification over everything else.
I don't think you're compatible unless you want a lower standard of living.

This is not heading in the right direction, and I would be concerned that as you run yourself into the ground, you still then end up divorcing him in a few years, but him then claiming he's the primary carer and so having your child more than you and you owing him mainenance.

He's got you over a barrel, as PP have said. As you say, he won't change. Honestly if I were you I'd start playing a long game. I'd cut back my hours, establish myself as the primary caregiver, leave him, and later rebuild my career. Sounds drastic, but to me the alternative seems like 18 years of resenting his freeloading (and still missing out on quality time with your child as you're either working or too stressed to do the "fun" stuff).

Why do you think you'd see your son less if you split? Isn't it quite likely DH would be half arsed about contact and give up quite quickly?

Mine was similar at one point although he does earn a bit more than me. The resentment was awful. Gave me the ick. I felt like his mother.

He is now better and does drop offs (i pick up). For meals we use Gousto so when I take kids to activities then he can cook dinner as its so easy to follow.