Sick of fun DH

[StressedNeedCoffee66]

I'm at breaking point and need some advice on some coping skills.

We have an 18 month old DS. DH is great with him. He loves playing with him, he's super patient and fun and caring. Except....that's all he does. Pretty easy to be fun when you have NO other responsibilities. I do and think of everything else.

DH works in a very easy low paying job that is also his passion; he really does not want the stress of anything better paid or a promotion (although he is highly educated and has potential).

So I am the breadwinner, by far. I work in a very stressful job and long hours and I will never be able to take a step back. I handle everything - bills, DYI, house stuff, DS' clothes, shoes, nursery stuff. Just everything. Even organizing a cleaner is my responsibility.

I tried delegating things, for example:

• cooking, he says he loves cooking. But he cooks the same 3 meals on repeat (heavy on meat and carbs). DS went for weeks without seeing a vegetable and got quite constipated. The kitchen was a bombsite.
• car stuff. Car ended up undriveable and I had to arrange service and MOT as he just "forgot" to do it in time.

There's more examples but you get the idea.

I don't want to break up, not yet anyway. I don't want to see DS less. But I'm so tired and stressed and just not "fun". I don't know what to do. I am trying to see the positives but at the moment he gets all the upside and I get all the downsides.

Would he agree to 3 sessions of relationship counselling?

A neutral place with a qualified relationship counsellor who could facilitate a safe place to explore the issues at hand in an adult manner.

You could open by saying you want to explore whether you want to remain in a marriage where all responsibilities are laid at your door. That you had hoped for a mutually-supportive partnership, and instead find yourself picking up all the adulting / parenting slack.

Perhaps you both have very different ideas of what you thought parenting would look like.

You might want to discuss what his priorities and values are, and whether they are compatible with what you want from your life.

Food for thought. But don't let this fester. If he's not up to the role of father, husband and partner, then at least you'll be in a position to make an informed decision.

My MIL has severe ADHD and does not have her shite together. At all. It’s got nothing to do with male or female. ADHD is a spectrum. You don’t expect someone who is severely autistic to speak just because someone who has high functioning autism can. Levels of executive functioning vary dramatically across the spectrum of ADHD. Nothing to do with being make or female.

I'm ND and I still manage to cook veg...

It doesn't mean you can't think or plan, it's just more difficult. And if you have someone to outsource the work to, life is much easier.

He won’t change, you aren’t prepared to break up yet and you don’t want to get a cleaner (which I assume means don’t want to outsource any of it).

Do you put much effort into things that are mainly or totally for him? Do you spend much money on things that are mainly or totally for him that you could divert instead into ways to minimize the work and stress you have or investing in your DS in clubs or something (he’s a little young at the moment but if you are planning waiting for a quite a few years, it will become more relevant)?

You sound totally done with him so I won’t suggest trying to train him up (I think it’s unlikely to work that well with someone who is clearly a bit self-centered and lazy about stuff they don’t enjoy). So I think your other tactic for getting through is lowering your standards a bit. Difficulty to know what would be effective, but have a think about what you put effort into and ask yourself if it will really make a difference in 5, 10 or 20 years’ time.

You say DH and just want to check are you actually married? Because if so, the sooner you split up, the less of your hard work and money goes into subsidizing his slacking. If you know you’re going to split up you might want to move some of your funds into a junior ISA for your DS so that DH doesn’t get half when you do split.

OP do you follow the page called Zawn on FB? If not follow them.

My advice is to get some counselling that's just for you.

Can you hand any simple "full" jobs over to him. Like he is always in charge of getting the dishes clean and put away? Does he just ignore them?

I can completely understand not wanting less time with your child. 😢 I'd also be concerned of the effect on him in terms of nutrition and behaviour.. but would ex want 50/50 if he hates anything worky and only wants fun stuff?? Would he be more of an every other weekend type than a 50/50 type?? Has he ever spoken about things like that before?

make DS his job. let him manage the childcare mental load, sick days, pickup and drop offs etc.

bathroom and DSs room are his cleaning jobs.

When problems crop up stop solving them.if there's no MOT then dont fix it. the whole point of taking responsibility is consequences if you keep standing in front of the consequences what's the point?

OP it sounds like you need to re-direct your money (well some of it) to an escape fund. Stop picking up the slack because your DH won't make an effort to earn more money.
He has an easy life because you are supporting him - so cut things to the bare minimum. Obviously make sure your bills etc are covered but things like DIY or holidays are only paid for if you both pay 50/50. I realise that this might not work as easily as it sounds but he needs to step up and be more proactive about everything to do with you and DS.
You both need to be happy in this relationship - he is because you allow him to be but he won't help you to be happy too.

Guys like him will take you for every single penny they can when you eventually divorce.
He is determined to live off you and do the least amount he can.
Eventually he knows you may divorce but he will make you pay dearly.
My friend is in family law and she said she sees it increasingly.
Women doing it all and paying for 90%..
When they eventually crack often when the children are approaching 10, they find they have to pay a fortune to house thses losers.
There is huge regret.
Get out now, before he can reasonably argue for greater equity, spousal support etc.

One story she told was of a woman whose husband siphoned money from her by buying expensive guitars which he then gifted his sister.
Nothing could be done legally about it. It was clearly a long term strategy.
Wake up.

He won’t fight you for time with a two year old having tantrums.
He doesn’t have a future because he CBA.
He’s dragging you down. Live a better life without him and have a better future.

You have to get out ahead of things & outmaneuver this man OP.

Make a list of everything that needs to be done in order for the household to run and for your future to be secure.

Group it - earning the money; all house hold tasks; all child care; financial planning etc.

Be thorough.

Print two lists, one for him and one for you. Sit together and tick which ones you will do.

If he cannot, will not, or does not sustain it then either accept that and work around it or accept that you cannot accept it and start the exit plan.

Either way I wish you luck. It saddens me to think that you get time to enjoy the fruits of your labour and your DS.

Haven’t read other responses but sounds like you have an adult child and a toddler.
What was his mother like? Did she do everything for him because this sounds very much like the case.

Ask him if you were suddenly taken away how would he cope with every day living? I say this because I have recently lost a dear friend suddenly and her husband, a very capable man still was shocked how much she did for the family, that no one noticed until she passed away.
Terrible scenario, I know, but something to consider.

Lots of young women are stuck like this .Years of over zealous Mums looking after their boys ,not expecting them to help .leaves young Mums exhausted .Can you try Gusto or just eat .maybe that he can do .The same 3 meals may have to suffice for a while ,you give Babe Apples and bananas /orange juice .Please get a Cleaner too if you can .Yes he should be stepping up ,but if he wont and u dont want to split, your options are somewhat limited .Sadly he sounds indolent and wants a cushy life .As above PP said see if you can downsize at all .maybe cut OG to help you cut yourself a break!

Try the Fair Play deck by Eve Rodsky!

I've been here. Eventually I had to make my peace with being the house manager. I was pissed about it but now I've worked out how to find it less annoying which is to work out how much the management role is worth.

So if you have 60 tasks to do per week in the household a fair share is 30 each. But because you are having to also plan and delegate them, he gets 45. If he wants less then he needs to learn to manage the mental load of them too.

If you also automate the management somehow (Alexa reminders etc) then you can dramatically reduce your unpaid workload.

But why on earth would he change? He has a wonderful life.

A low stress job which he loves. All the fun times with his young child. None of the slog. He will want this to come continue for as long as possible. Why wouldn’t he?

The only way he will change is if he knows that his cosy life is about to change.

Have you ever had a conversation with him @StressedNeedCoffee66about what a separation would look like in practical terms?

Yeah - this will not improve. Been there. Either hire people to do the stuff he won’t do or leave him.

Does he eat your food? If so that can stop.

it’s not ok. I think you should ask him to move out temporarily until he can actually become a parent and partner.

The only way he will change is if he knows that his cosy life is about to change
I agree @Ohcrap082024
BUT OP has said that he gets angry and is contemptuous (accuses her of nagging) if she asks him to step up more.
I dont think he's going to change in the sense that he will apologise and start doing the right thing. I think a man like this will try harder to oppress & punish her if his cushy life is threatened

Much higher expectations of women though. And judgment.

Exactly by the poster who did the classic, “I’ve got ADHd and I manage to do X Y and Z”

ADHD is a massive spectrum like autism and more needs to be done to highlight the people who are desperately struggling

Did you find a way to get him to develop coping skills so he didn’t need mothering like a teenager?

@StressedNeedCoffee66
I ( a woman) have ADHD and for various reasons am unmedicated.
I suggest getting an assessment for this for your husband.
This doesn’t mean that things should stay the same, but it would give him much more information on how to maximise his potential. It would give him ways to manage his difficulties to enable him to do much more in the relationship.

Before understanding this I felt really shit because I simply couldn’t do “life” and wondered why everyone else could.

This would all give me the blind rage op. I guess my question would be do you genuinely think he'd want 50/50 responsibility and parenting time if you split? If that's the only thing keeping you together, which I totally get as your DC is so young. Have you tried having a conversation about what he'd actually expect/want if you did separate because this guy has "every other weekend Disney dad" written all over him and maybe that would be best for everyone?