Lack of thought or am I being ungrateful?

[Wrongsideof50]

So DD age 13, asked what I would like for Mother’s Day, I suggested her (and her dad) making us an afternoon cream tea, fancy cakes, sandwiches sausage rolls strawberries type thing.. he took her to M&S and Sainsbury’s to buy stuff..I had already suggested, to both daughter and husband..them making nice sandwiches with bread or little fancy bread rolls with various fillings and cutting them small etc..just like you would get in a restaurant/cafe setting. Today whilst prepping lunch with DD she asked if had any cucumber, tomatoes to go with her lunch ..I said no we’ve run out but you’ve bought some for making Mother’s Day stuff so we can just use some from that …reply was oh no we didn’t get any cos we bought ready made sandwiches!!! Wtaf!! They bought a few sandwiches from M&S to cut up…I mean I get buying the sausage rolls and also cakes to cut up to save them baking but at least make the bloody sandwiches!!! .to say I’m disappointed is putting it mildly…zero effort, zero imagination, gutted 😞 is it too much to ask they put effort in and make it , it’s not like I’m asking for three course roast lunch it’s a few sandwiches! Am I being ungrateful and overreacting…not spoken to husband about it yet but have just been to shop and bought some rolls (and strawberries) so she can make some of it tomorrow! ☹️

This sounds over the top. I got a card and some chocolates and am perfectly happy with that. This afternoon tea things sounds like a lot.

mmmmmmm 🤤🤤 all this talk about sandwiches is making me want one now!

YABU

How do you know it's isolated incident?

My point was that if it was, then all can be forgiven. It's also quite plausible her Daughter wouldn't have taken it that way and see its cold rejection.

We have to be mindful of how certain underlying things could be at play that could contribute to how someone is feeling. We're all responsible for how we react etc.

Also what's everyone issue with going deep as if its something that should be played blind ignorance to. In my experience this is exactly the reason why "things in isolation" go unlargely unspoken for the sake of the "peace" at the time, which inevitably leads to what is bigger threat or implosion of smaller things that were uncomfortable that just went abide a abide. People are so uncomfortable with looking beyond themselves or assessing the why.

I would question, if it was just showing mild disappointment at standards of efforts over sandwiches, would it really implore OH to post about it on here or is it about series of events that led to this? I beg the latter. Of course it could just be the former but then I would conclude what real issue is.

I just knew somehow somewhere someone would predictably reply with "why does it run that deep or why do people have to go deep? 😅

Well, thanks for your contribution, next time I will simple be less ostentatious in my approach and cut it short to blunt "pack in in" or "get over it" remark.

Sometimes things are deeper than you think. Sometimes they're not and it doesnt need to be deep but granted lot of effort, time and energy to post a thread I would argue.

Also, it may well have been forgotten but its often the micro aggressions of lack of gratitude that kinda lead to resentments that OP is clearly auditing in her tone of her post. At least that's my take on it from just few of things they've stated such as efforts she goes to. So yes, it goes that deep. She said is gutted. That's a strong feeling that doesn't just go away. Therefore its necessary to absolutely go DEEP "ffs" and explore the underlying reasons and possible outcomes.

Wow how ungrateful are you!

You seap what you sow. It's the nature of beast, you can't come on AIBU thread and then also show annoyance at the vast range of differing response one might get. It's open public forum. I'm sorry but you don't get to choose the rules. Thing is people want validation so when they don't get it, they're surprised by harsh reality of peoples opinions.

You have to prepare to face uncomfortable truths. Not everyone is going to be kind.

I posted stuff on here and most of time it's made laugh, self reflect to also assess my own behaviours and attitudes and made me think objectively about tjay to my own betterment.

People are unfiltered and raw. If you don't want that on here, don't post, go to people who are going to be compliant in agreeing with you.

Honestly as someone who is quite soft centred anyway, it takes real sense of high EQ and self awareness to maybe look within. Generally the number of responses in your favour or against you will give you a perspective either way.

Come on they've done something. It doesn't have to be how you would do it always.

YANBU

I won't eat pre-made sandwiches, I've worked in food factories and have seen the very questionable hygiene standards of many food operatives 😬

Disappointing for sure. But I'd also be disappointed with shop bought cakes too 😞

Get a grip

I used to commute and buy M&S sandwiches because it was in the station. So I'm an expert in the sandwiches.

All the people saying M&S is heaven or elite-grade? They aren't that nice! Soggy and too salty. And if they were bought yesterday for today they would have been revolting.

The OP asked for something cheap that just took a bit of organising and effort: some grated cheese, some tomato, some cucumber.

Gift-givers should make an effort to give something the receiver would actually like - otherwise it's just going through the motions of giving something, anything, to relieve themselves of the obligation. And then the receiver having to be grateful for something they didn't ask for and which they don't value, because the giver ticked the box.

What I would love DH/the children to do is any one of a few cups of tea during the day; sorting some laundry to save me a job; or clearing the dishes after lunch. Not a small box of chocolates that I can't eat!

I've never had a soggy M&S sandwich. As with other ingredients, the salt levels are clearly labelled. I would question why someone would be happy to eat factory made sausage rolls and cake, yet baulk at eating the sandwiches.

Because home-made sausage roll and cake takes a lot more work than a sandwich! Puff pastry is tough to make. A sandwich only takes five minutes at home.

The salt being clearly-labelled doesn't mean the salt levels are fine. The sandwiches are expensive for what you get, and not that nice.

There are people living in war zones and you’re losing your marbles over sandwiches. Must be nice to have no real problems!

I think being gutted is an over reaction, but yes, definitely not a lot of effort. That's on the dh to help dd make a special effort. I'd likely be annoyed and say my idea was not a store bought sandwich.

Wouldn't be Mumsnet without sky-high readings on the Mother's Day Dissatisfaction Meter.

Congratulations 👏 your daughter will probably forever remember the mother's day her mum told her and her dad's sweet efforts were not good enough. Sometimes is it really worth breaking someone's spirit?

I remember saving and going to buy my parents a small anniversary gift when I was about 12 and my dad said he didn't want any more pieces of tat. Nearly 40 and it has stayed with me all these years

I'd love to have a daughter make me a cup of tea let alone afternoon tea with homemade sandwiches (unfortunately no children btw and not by choice). Some people......

OP, I know what you mean. It’s a special day and you asked for sandwiches with fillings and to be cut up nicely. When taking into account all the times I bet you did special treats and so on for other family members, this is something you wanted as the mum and they just did an easy option of buying standard, stock sandwiches.

I wouldn’t make a fuss though and next time would book a high tea at a nice cafe.

How many 13 yo do you think have honestly gone above getting a card and some chocolates willingly? Most have probably been dragged down the shops or dad has gone out and done it on their behalf. She had a daughter that had asked what it is her mom would like and then with dad’s help tried to make it happen. The fact it wasn’t executed to moms standards considering what she wanted requires several different parts such as breads and fillings I think it made sense to buy already made, as M&S have a good range of prepacked sandwiches with different variations in one pack. I think she was already winning with a daughter who tried to give her what she wanted

You asked for peoples opinions.

He took her and most likely paid for it. At 13 he’s done more than he needs to. A teenager is more than capable to provide gratitude for Mother’s Day off their own back within their own capacity. Even if that means just breakfast in bed with a homemade card, or doing some household chores whilst mom relaxes. This is not on the husband he’s already done his duty.

OP didn’t want “a” sandwich, she wanted an array of different fillings!

Yes. That's the problem. The daughter just tried to please the mother. It wasn't good enough.
Which is a shame.

..... don't appreciate their good fortune 🌹