Lack of thought or am I being ungrateful?

[Wrongsideof50]

So DD age 13, asked what I would like for Mother’s Day, I suggested her (and her dad) making us an afternoon cream tea, fancy cakes, sandwiches sausage rolls strawberries type thing.. he took her to M&S and Sainsbury’s to buy stuff..I had already suggested, to both daughter and husband..them making nice sandwiches with bread or little fancy bread rolls with various fillings and cutting them small etc..just like you would get in a restaurant/cafe setting. Today whilst prepping lunch with DD she asked if had any cucumber, tomatoes to go with her lunch ..I said no we’ve run out but you’ve bought some for making Mother’s Day stuff so we can just use some from that …reply was oh no we didn’t get any cos we bought ready made sandwiches!!! Wtaf!! They bought a few sandwiches from M&S to cut up…I mean I get buying the sausage rolls and also cakes to cut up to save them baking but at least make the bloody sandwiches!!! .to say I’m disappointed is putting it mildly…zero effort, zero imagination, gutted 😞 is it too much to ask they put effort in and make it , it’s not like I’m asking for three course roast lunch it’s a few sandwiches! Am I being ungrateful and overreacting…not spoken to husband about it yet but have just been to shop and bought some rolls (and strawberries) so she can make some of it tomorrow! ☹️

Lucky you, I got nothing!

I gave the exact same suggestion to my kids and I said just buy the sandwiches and cut them into triangles. It takes a lot of effort to make dainty sandwiches which is why most people only have them when they go to a restaurant. Mine have ordered my afternoon tea from M&S but not sure what collection time is. I’d have preferred they just bought the components separately and I really wanted fresh scones. But hey if I want something done a certain way I have to do it myself or be grateful that someone is doing something nice for me. You sound ungrateful and I think you should eat the sandwiches they bought without complaint.

This - since you always eat home made they might have thought it nice for to have a variety of different sandwiches you sound hard work!

What time is teatime? 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿

I just don't like shop sandwiches as I don't like mayo. The ones without mayo are usually very meh.

Right. I've never had an M&S one with mayonnaise, so I wouldn't know. Otherwise, they're delicious 😋!

This is some real passive aggressive toxic shit that a therapist will make some good money out of in 20 years time.

I dont think anybody here suggested you should tear into your daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️

Growing up my mum was awful with presents, if I’d buy her something she’d tell me she didn’t like it. I’m 39 now and still feel that judgement.
So don’t mention the rolls you’ve bought, otherwise your daughter will think what she’s bought isn’t good enough.
Let her set up a nice spread, you sit down and eat it with her and tell her how thankful you are and praise her for how lovely it all is.
She’s probably feeling really excited about making you happy.
My daughter gave me a bag of sweets for my birthday and she was so proud giving them to me and I told her that I loved them and thanked her and her little face lit up, just go with it and enjoy your day, and maybe next year don’t suggest the cream tea idea - go out to eat instead.

It's the kind of toxic shit my mother used to come out with. Now, she doesn't understand why none of her adult children want anything to do with her, despite "everything I've done for them."

I think OP is making the same mistake and will suffer the same consequences.

She undoubtedly thought we would pile on her daughter and husband for not being grateful enough for all the effort she puts into milling the flour for bread and washing clothes on a scrubbing board in the river, or however she uses her days.

She might think being constantly dissatisfied will make them try harder to please her and at the moment it seems to be working. In the longer-term they will realise their efforts are futile and then she'll get jack-shit for Mothers' Day and wonder why.

Really? I can't bear homemade sandwiches. I don't really like bread. I have a lot of sensory issues around soft food. But I can eat sandwiches from M&S or Pret or similar, because they use a lot of tasty ingredients, which offset the blandness and softness of the bread. I guess you could recreate this at home, but it would be tricky.

I am also intrigued that the OP is so anti shop made sandwiches but seemingly OK with shop bought cakes. I have known families where a home made cake is absolutely the only kind of acceptable offering - no packet mixes obviously. It's all on the women of the family of course. Baking as a hobby even if you hate it.

So toxic!

Is this homemade and continuing to speak to say how much that means! How much same you are putting on that child!

And the daughter has already told the OP that their shop bought, so it would be bloody stupid anyway.

Hope you can have an overall nice day today, OP, despite the sandwich disappointment.

I strongly suspect that, had the sandwiches been homemade, the criticism would have been about the shop bought cakes. I could be wrong, though.

I can just see a 13 year old looking at the nice sandwiches and thinking, "Mum would love these".

Poor kid.

Yes, I can imagine myself at that age thinking the same - mum will love these, they look fancy compared to the sandwiches we make at home.

It knocks all the fun out of treats if we compare them to what we could've got if someone had gone to the effort of trying to assemble the same. This is something my own mother is an absolute pain for! "Your cakes are better than these." Perhaps, but I haven't had to dick around baking five different types of cakes and confections today, so let's just enjoy it...

I am the fussiest most high maintenance woman on earth but I couldn’t get upset about this! It’s important to put yourself in their mindset in a positive way, you’re probably assuming that buying ready-made is them “cutting corners”, they were at the shops and thought “oh great let’s not bother making anything and take this shortcut!” But what is just as likely is they thought “oh we never buy specially made things, we could get special m&s sandwiches as a Mother’s Day treat! Won’t she be excited to have such a lovely variety! And much better than we could manage ourselves!” - Hopefully if you keep the nicer assumption front and centre of your mind it will help you feel happier about their efforts.

In saying that, I did once get upset at DH for buying pre cut “Mediterranean vegetables” instead of courgettes, onion etc so I do also understand why the concept of ready-made doesn’t land the same as what you had in your head!

But this is definitely one of those times to smile and bear it.

And it would seem like DD is an only child, so the full force of the OP’s grumpiness will directed at her (plus of course her dad, but I reckon he’s probs my used to it)

@Attenboroughsmistress I am the fussiest most high maintenance woman on earth out of interest, why? What makes you think this?

You can tell your upbringing was hard from your post.
But I don’t think ops post implies any of that,

Well you’re in a minority there @Peony1985 and I most definitely didn’t have a hard upbringing.

Did you show her disappointed you were?

She was trying to do a nice thing for you her way. Maybe just not how you would do it but still something.

If I was your daughter and read what you have written, I wouldn't bother doing anything in future.

Definitely

@Wrongsideof50 seems to have then marched out to get ingredients so she make her DD hand make them but have just been to shop and bought some rolls (and strawberries) so she can make some of it tomorrow!

So basically you want to dictate not just your gift, but how your gift was made, and as it happens the way your DD and DH got it doesn’t live up to your exacting standards. You choose to home-make everything; I expect they thought shop-bought sandwiches were more special and would be a treat.

I wonder whether you realise how you sound.

Your question was "Am I being ungrateful and over-reacting?" The vast majority are telling you "Yes, big-time!" but that’s not what you want to hear.

I'm sorry, but from your posts on this thread, you sound awful. Passive-aggressive, petty and toxic. I feel sorry for your family, if you have one.