Lack of thought or am I being ungrateful?

[Wrongsideof50]

So DD age 13, asked what I would like for Mother’s Day, I suggested her (and her dad) making us an afternoon cream tea, fancy cakes, sandwiches sausage rolls strawberries type thing.. he took her to M&S and Sainsbury’s to buy stuff..I had already suggested, to both daughter and husband..them making nice sandwiches with bread or little fancy bread rolls with various fillings and cutting them small etc..just like you would get in a restaurant/cafe setting. Today whilst prepping lunch with DD she asked if had any cucumber, tomatoes to go with her lunch ..I said no we’ve run out but you’ve bought some for making Mother’s Day stuff so we can just use some from that …reply was oh no we didn’t get any cos we bought ready made sandwiches!!! Wtaf!! They bought a few sandwiches from M&S to cut up…I mean I get buying the sausage rolls and also cakes to cut up to save them baking but at least make the bloody sandwiches!!! .to say I’m disappointed is putting it mildly…zero effort, zero imagination, gutted 😞 is it too much to ask they put effort in and make it , it’s not like I’m asking for three course roast lunch it’s a few sandwiches! Am I being ungrateful and overreacting…not spoken to husband about it yet but have just been to shop and bought some rolls (and strawberries) so she can make some of it tomorrow! ☹️

Next year make your own sandwiches. Then they will be up to your standard of perfection.

I rather think its OP who has forgotten her husband is the main player here

shes completely ungrateful and controlling and passively aggressive posting on here instead of speaking to him about it (shes already made up her mind she is right)

I don’t care. You are determined to think the worst of a 13yr old girl and equally stubborn in thinking your sexist world view is everyone else’s so much so that you continue to twist everything I say. Cheers

OP has clearly said several times she will be having a word with DH. Unless DD is in a different house (or they live in a mansion) she WILL hear what is being said. Children are not stupid ...

Can you explain why you keep bringing it back to the dd when all my posts are about the DH stepping up and make an effort?

Talk about twisting what I say.

I don’t care

At least that’s honest.

Have you and DH never had a private conversation that your children haven’t heard? That’s very unusual and not normal.

I’ve brought an outdoor plant arrangement for my DM. I neither bought the pot or plants separately. I didn’t grow the plants from seed. I have grown plants from seed before and have arranged pots before. I bought the arrangement from a local stall holder where my mum likes to get her plants for her small patio from, so some thought had gone into the purchase. I hope my DM doesn’t think I should have grown everything from seed!

Good luck maintaining a relationship with your DD into adulthood with that attitude. I wonder how long it will be before she is on Mumsnet herself to complain about you…

My adult sons asked me what I wanted for md, I said I would love you both to cook a meal for me in my house. The look of horror on their faces. We're going out 🙄
It's the gesture, for me, that counts

Shame on you @Wrongsideof50. If your daughter saw what you have written she would be rightly devastated. I grew up with a mother who did not scruple to openly say these sorts of things to my face when I had made desperate efforts to do something nice for her and feel appreciated in any small way. The pain and humiliation have caused lasting harm, well into my 50s and ongoing.

At least pretend that you love and appreciate her, even if it's not true. And don't forget that, some years down the line, she will likely be the one choosing which care home you are placed in.

I know as a child, that many of the private conversations that my parents had were overheard by me. So I assume, as an adult, that children can hear private conversations that I have. I can be in a house and hear other adults talking privately - if you have reasonable hearing, it is difficult NOT to hear other people's conversations. In this situation, the husband is not likely to be happy with the conversation, so the tone and volume is unlikely to be low.

This will date me 🤣 but when I was little (primary aged) my mum kept singing the new Simply Red song that was out at the time. When we went into town I bought the single on tape for her with my pocket money. I decorated the outside of the case. I was SO excited to give it to her, I'd chosen it all by myself based on something I knew she liked and with my own money! On Mothers Day I gave it to her. I will never forget the look on her face. It was like she was confused and annoyed. So I explained that I'd been hearing her singing it. She just said 'yeah, I suppose' and put it on the side. Never played it. That memory has stuck with me. Now when DC make some monstrosity of a painted gluey mess and present it to me, I thank them, compliment their skill and effort, wrap them up in a cuddle, and give it pride of place on my mantel. I've always told them, the nicest thing you can do for me is wake me up with a cup of coffee, a cuddle and come read to me in bed. Its such a simple joy.

This isn’t the norm, plenty of parents manage private conversations.

Must have a much bigger house than I am used to, plus not have any disagreements and raised voices.

Wow you sound like hard work! M and S sandwiches are lovely!

I’d be happy with readymade from M&S, better variety and it’s the time together that’s important, enjoying the treats not how long they spent in the kitchen cutting up stuff. It’s Mother’s Day but you actually aren’t entitled to anything

Day old supermarket sandwiches will be soggy and limp and minging tbh.

Ungrateful

Only read the first page of bananas responses.

I know what you mean OP - she asked what you wanted and you said what you would like. You weren't asking for an expensive candle or cut flowers, but something she could manage for the price of a good loaf of bread.

Buying bought sandwiches full of salt/preservatives isn't making an effort! I would be disappointed too.

OP, just remember that in 5 years time your daughter won't be a schoolgirl, and she'll probably be off at uni and doing her own thing. Time goes quickly. Enjoy what you have now.

I grew up with a mother who thought like this. It's utterly exhausting.

Me too. Needless to say, I didn't bother much with Mother's Day after I left home.

YABVVU. I’ve bought all the elements of afternoon tea for tomorrow - including a lovely platter of M&S sandwiches - and will be making the scones in the morning. What matters most on Mothers Day is spending time with your offspring. Getting upset about the sandwiches not being homemade is ridiculous

This thread is mad…. And there’s me happy with my box of doughnuts and a plant from mine.

Unfortunately I have a really negative association of Mother’s Day due to huge expectations from my mum (and oddly my dad). I’m the eldest of 3 (small age gaps) and from a similar age to your daughter was always tasked with organising something for everyone to do.

Typically we’d cook a 3 course meal at home, each taking a course. I used to get constant check ins on what was planned to cook, if it wasn’t what my mum wanted she’d almost be begging me to change the course one of my other siblings was planning to make because they weren’t a ‘good enough cook’. Even at a young age I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t just happy spending a meal all together. Imagine your children actually thinking about you and doing their best to make a plan, cook something, and enjoying their efforts with them, but then being disappointed by that.

Maybe your daughter is more into putting effort into the presentation than making a sandwich…..

Please don’t kick up a fuss because your daughter might end up taking this as her memory of Mother’s Day like me.

Her life will get busy and she won’t be able to do afternoon tea like this when she’s much more grown up, so enjoy it while you can.