Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

I think you ought to ban any rough play . Would you have felt proud if he beat her up ! I had 4 and hitting was not allowed at all. I'd have words with both of them and a warning that if it happens again they'll be grounded . Other than that it's a learning experience for everyone .

Sadly I have to agree.

This

Jesus christ. You are proud that your daughter beat up your son.

Check yourself. Something is hideously wrong in your family.

Your DS should NEVER have raised his hand to his sister. She definitely should have retaliated but NOT to the point that he was so hurt you had to carry him away.

These children are 9 & 11. Similar in physical strength and stature. I would say that your daughter sounds hyper competitive and possibly a bit of a bully ganging up on your son. He is growing up to hate his sister with possible long lasting impacts on his ability to sustain a non violent relationship.

You are lauding her violence and minimising his violence.

This sits SQUARELY with you. Don't feel conflicted, do something decisive about this.

EDIT: sp.

Oh and by punishing him on his birthday and letting her off scott free you are creating a perfect storm of resentment and being very unfair.

Arghhhh this thread has me riled. Perfect little miss getting her way, enabled by you at his expense. Preference screams from your posts. Your not so subtle gloat that she is better than him and you wonder why he lashed out.

Poor kid.

What on earth is this thread?!?

I've got 3 sons (24, 18 & 16) and do you know how many actual fights they've had?

None!! Not one! The younger two have argued a bit, they can snap at each other & wind each other up but actual, drawn out, physical fights?! Absofuckinglutely not!

I'm not some passive hippy or anything but I came down on them like a tonne of bricks if there was so much as the start of a scuffle when they were little. What happened in your garden would have made me lose my absolute shit at both of them for different reasons & your attitude is blowing my mind!

Yes this. He started it (bad) she went too far (also bad). Not something to really be”proud” of.

Content to know she can defend herself, yeah ok, I get that, but if she carries on like tbat, one day someone will flatten her back. I would not be happy with either of them.

I'm not even sure he started it exactly. From what OP has said it sounds like the two girls were ganging up on the boy, who eventually had enough and hit his sister. He should not have done that, of course but for his sister to then beat him up is appalling. 2 against one is never a good thing, it always leads to trouble. I experienced it myself at a similar age. My younger sister and the boy from next door used to torture me regularly and I was absolutely not allowed to retaliate, ever. In fact my DM found it much easier to assume I was lying. I was not. It only stopped when the boy's father caught them at it. Unfortunately sister dearest had realised that she could do whatever she liked and remain unpunished.
The boy grew up into a lovely, kind person. My sister did not and I am completely NC with her.

YABU to even consider punishing DD.

Your DS got his comeuppance, and your DD should be congratulated on walloping him.

Your DS needs a very stern talking to indeed on the topic of his entitled attitude and extremely poor sportsmanship, and how we do not take out our frustrations on others. I sincerely hope he learned a lesson from his little sister. He needs to apologise to her and to her friend for his bad behavior.

Agree!

The petulant boy couldn't cope with losing to girls and swung at his sister.

He got his ass handed to him on a plate, and he deserved that

This girl needs to be encouraged to stay as competitive as she feels like being, to run faster and to climb higher and to lift heavier against whoever she's competing, without regard for the feelings of whatever poor ickle diddums she bests.

The posters here who are complaining about the girls' competitiveness should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Where were you
How did you not hear a fight going on in your garden it must have been going on a while for her to batter her brother that much
They both need a firm talking to so that they understand that what they have done is totally unacceptable.
If you don't sort it now next time it could escalate and be much worse
What if your niece hadn't been there to run in to get you
What could have happened could have been so much worse

Absolutely none of the violence is good/ justified from either in any way or form. Coming from being on the receiving end of a violent childhood I detest violence in every way and form., it’s disgusting your actually even asking who is right and wrong. I think your son could benefit from professional help.

my exact thoughts, yet another example of how much hatred there is for boys on this site
it’s predictable but disturbing all the same

I would punish DS for starting a fight. Perhaps talk with DN and see if she can be persuaded that DS has learned his lesson (I assume he has apologised to both of his victims) and ask her to be discreet for his sake?

If you think any of the three children are seeing this in sex-based terms and making those kind of assumptions about what "should" have happened/who "should" have been stronger, I'd talk to them about how men have significantly more upper and considerably more lower body strength than women post-puberty so hat tthey understand that what has happened is likely due to their specific stages of development in flux, and is not at all typical of the relative strength of men vs women as adults. This may, and probably should, assuage DS's embarrassment a bit too, not that that should be the goal).

I’m so glad to read your post, as when & If brought up in any way or conversation, and I happen to say my sons at 32 & 27 have never ever hit each other or had a physical fight ever people find it hard to believe. Yes they’ve had disagreements of course from being kids but never physical., it’s just wrong full stop.

and daughter

The thought that I would be pleased that one of my son’s had been hurt to this extent is abhorrent
he is the OPs son
its a depressing world we live in

Do you generally favour your DD over your DS? Because it sounds that way and, if true, will be creating a poisonous atmosphere between the siblings. Parents shouldn't play favourites.

Punish your son, but not your daughter.

Your son should not be allowed think it's acceptable to batter females when he doesn't get what he wants.

Your daughter should not be made to think she is wrong for standing up for herself, nor that she should hold back her talents in future to avoid upsetting a male because she will suffer the consequences.

Absolutely disgusting on a site by women for women that some posters want you to teach your daughter subservience by the back door.

So beating up someone weaker than herself is displaying "her talent" in your world??

How about in a few years once puberty hits and DS is stronger than DD? Will it be ok for DS to beat her up and leave her injured on the floor if she dares hit him? After all it will be simply using his talents.

DS needs to be punished, sure, but so does DD for her completely disproportionate retaliation.

The daughter's talent is running fast. You must really want to make a doormat of her to have misinterpreted that so wilfully.

Your son started it. He lashed out physically at your dd out of jealousy. She defended herself. You cannot expect kids to know limits. Cognitively they lack development in impulse control. You can only keep telling your kids hitting is never the answer unless it's for self-defence and only to get away as a first choice, or subdue until help arrives.
I wouldn't cancel anything.

You're applying adult logic to children's underdeveloped cognitive abilities. Your reply is great in theory, but not for this age in development.

But she's not just defending herself, she's humiliating him and unable to control herself.
And he's not just competitive he's unable to control his emotions and thinks hitting is ok.
rough housing and wrestling is ok if it's play and agreed to, this was proper fighting by two unregulated kids.
You say you noticed that he felt bad about his sister and cousin being better than him - why didn't you respond to that with him to make him feel ok about it and himself and even proud of his sister.
you're proud of what happened? Have a word with yourself and apologise to your kids that you let it get this far - they will be competitive and hate each other if you do t promote them being happy and proud of each other. Jesus how did it get to a point of him being hurt that badly - is it normal for them to be like this with each other.

they have a phone each at 9 amd 11? Seriously let this be the line on the sand and be a physically and emotionally present parent who is responsive.

most 11 year old boys would not hit a younger girl because they would have strong messaging never to

Don't punish either of them, you should be sad not angry, they are both probably heartbroken